Needing to be proved wrong.

[Nick86]

Hi all,

New member in need of guidance and support and basically to find my happiness again. I have a daughter who is my breath of fresh air and my reason for holding on to the my small thread of happiness. i am her hero and she has unconditional love for me which is a feeling that keeps a real smile on my face as opposed to a drawn on one. I have been on anti-depressants for a little over 4 years after experiencing my first anxiety attack. All stemming from past family history and the break up of my past relationship with my daughters mum ( who surprisingly is the driving force behind me finding myself again) She is happy and has moved on and is engaged, i am happy for her as she deserves the world. guess the problem is that i am holding on to the small amount of happiness i once experienced and finding it hard to let go and move on with a healthy lifestyle . i don't know if want to get into my past family history just now but i can advise that my childhood had multiple contributing factors as to why i am not happy. I apologise if my thread is a little confusing and cryptic... basically i feel as though i don't deserve to be on anti-depresants and in my own point pf view feel as though i am weak for seeking help to find happiness and don't want to spiral down the dark hole of chronic depression. i am no where near that stage and don't want to ever be near the edge.

thanks for listening

Happy Friday 🙂

Nick

[White_Rose]

Dear Nick

Hello and congratulations for finding your way to Beyond Blue. Welcome and thank you for trusting us with your story.

As you have been taking ADs for some time I presume you meet with your doctor regularly. How do you feel about these visits? Do you feel your doctor is helpful and able to assist you to find your way? It is very important to have someone who can, metaphorically, hold your hand at times and be able to coach and mentor you through this depression.

Also, do you have any other professional help? You sound very sad and I wonder how much your grief is contributing to your depression. If you feel your doctor is not helpful then find another. Click on Find A Professional at the bottom of the page and go from there. A counsellor skilled in helping people manage their grief may also be helpful. You can ask your doctor for a referral.

It's fine to keep your history to yourself. Only disclose what is comfortable to you. I notice you say you are looking for happiness. I'm sorry to tell you that this will not work. Happiness is a by-product of being comfortable with yourself and the world. Having belief in yourself, a full life doing the things you enjoy and care about, eating and exercising well, being on good terms with the people you interact with and enjoying the company of friends.

I know this sounds all very predicable and possibly even a cliche. But this is really where it comes from. It's great you are happy for your ex partner and you obviously adore your daughter. That's a good start. What else do you do with yourself? I imagine you work. Do you enjoy your job? If not, can you change? Dissatisfaction in these areas does not help depression.

Please read all the information available on Beyond Blue. Click on the blue tabs at the top of the page and explore the drop down options. Have any of the information sent to you or download it to your own computer. Being informed about depression, AKA the Black Dog, is important. It really helps you understand the whys and wherefores.

I expect other BB folk will be along to chat with you soon. Please continue to write in.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Nick, nice to be able to talk to you, and it's obvious that your daughter is your proud and joy, and I can relate to this with my 2 sons and 2 little grand-daughters and daughter in law, sorry gone off the point here.

It's very admirable that you want your ex to enjoy her new life, because this would never be an easy decision, but now that she has become engaged again she wants you to start to enjoy another start and perhaps relationship, but this can not be an easy choice to make, maybe you may feel as though you are letting your daughter down and feel a bit guilty and if so it's quite understandable.

Nick your past is your own, but can I please suggest that if it is causing you great harm and dissatisfaction, just certain bits and pieces you may want to talk about, but this decision is only yours to make.

I suppose that you have to gain our trust and this won't happen in one or two posts, but you could read other comments to value our respect.

Taking AD's doesn't mean that you or any of us show a sign of weakness, we only want to try and improve our life, from being depressed to being able to learn on how we can cope, so there's no weakness at all.

Life throws daggers at us and sometimes we can avoid them, while other times we are the target, which means that it can drag us down slowly or rapidly, it doesn't matter either way because the end result is that we end up in the black hole, and that's certainly a place I try and avoid.

Your life is heading in another direction, and personally it's not what I ever wanted, but in hindsight it's the best direction I have taken, and with you it will take awhile for you to find your way, but the main issue here is that both you and your daughter have each other, and in the many years ahead she will ask you for so much advice, and the love will prevail.

Take care. Geoff.

[Nick86]

Thanks Geoff and Mary,

appreciate your responses. I guess being 29, i'm in that mindset that i can overcome my demons on my own without assistance. But its obvious that this isn't the case at all. I have sought professional help through work (Employee Assistance Program), i attended a few sessions with a psychologist which was more so based around my childhood, suppression etc. There were a few coping mechanisms offered and it seemed beneficial at the time. unfortunately the process isn't a quick one. And you are right, i have a great deal of admiration for my little girl and i am always at my best when she is in my care. Nothing but smiles, fun and make sure she is safe. Regarding interaction with friends, this is definitely something i need to do more of in my spare time. or possibly join a club of some sort. I try and stay in shape, eat healthy and take the dogs for walks etc. But i need more interaction with people. I have a great housemate who i chat with but she only knows that i am on AD but not why. I tend to get in to a  routine of work, home, dinner and chill out in my room. I am not a fan of being alone with my own thoughts because i read into things for no reasons, unintentionally think things and feels as though its just to annoy myself ( sounds weird) . I feel as though i need to justify myself as a person and prove to myself that i am a good, normal guy. If there was a tablet that could erase memory and illogical thought i would buy it in a heart beat. My daughter was 10 months when her mum and I broke up, she has adapted to the change but as i'm only seeing her every second weekend, she gets very upset at seeing me go and doesn't want me to leave. The thought of having this little human have so much love for me and so much adoration makes me feel a great deal of pride and justify's my worth. 

Regarding my past.. I experienced a few accounts of child abuse by a family member at the age of 10. i Suppressed this for 16 years all for the sake of keeping the family together. i had told no one. but then a situation arose where i had to reveal my past. eventually the entire family knew and i tried to part ways so that i 

[Nick86]

could live my own life and not be burdened anymore. unfortunately it wasnt that easy. i guess the annoying/upsetting thing is that the family member is still within the family. and its as if we are just try and move on. My mother is my best mate, and one of the wisest women i know and yet for her to remain with her husband after finding out what he had done was quite hard to understand. i never speak to him anymore if i can help it. its hard living my own life with constant reminders when seeing my siblings and my mum. But i dont want to disregard them for something they didn't do. i would never abuse my daughter or make her feel betrayed the way i was. but i feel as though i have to constantly remind myself and justify that i am not HIM and that i am my own person and will never be the monster and he was. my life is my own and i just want it to remain this way. i dont want drama, i have ruined many relationships because of my trust issues and insecurities. i just want to erase my memory and believe in myself and know that i may have his last name but i will never be him. 

my main aspiration in life is for my daughter to live through her years with constant admiration for me, requesting advice and knowing that i will always be here to help her and to assist where i can. i want her to know that i am and always will be her hero and the one father figure that she can always rely on. but proving this to myself and eradicating the problems is half the battle. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Nick

Abuse is disgusting at any age but so much more so when it is a child that abused. EAPs are great services but usually have a limited number of paid visits. The effect of abuse on the rest of your life can be horrendous and impact on so many areas of your life. I can understand this as, although I was not abused as a child, I survived a 30 year abusive marriage. The long term effects from this are still part of my life and include some of the same outcomes as yours, such as lack of trust.

It seems to me that further counselling would help you. I know Anglicare have a specific program for male survivors of child abuse. It is called Living Well and the web address is http://www.livingwell.org.au/ They do not charge for their services so it would be a good idea to make an appointment to see someone there. Unfortunately I have a feeling it is only in Qld but worth a phone call to check. Unless you happen to live in Brisbane.

Alternatively there is Relationships Australia who charge little or nothing for their services. The contact number is 1300 364 277. There is a MensLine which is available 24/7 on 1300 789 978. Phone contact only I think but can give advice about where to go. And of course you can phone BB on 1300 22 4636 also 24/7 to get advice.

Your GP can write a mental health plan for you which allows you ten free sessions with a psychologist. After that you will be paying the costs but if you have private medical insurance this will help. Your GP can also refer you to a psychiatrist whose fees will be covered by Medicare to a large extent. Your GP will discuss the best option for you.

Getting out more sounds great but don't set yourself too many goals at once. See how the counselling goes, if you decide to follow this option, and look at what happens there. It may help you with making more connections and having a better idea of what you want.

Take care

Mary

[Nick86]

Thank you Mary, i appreciate your help on this .

 cheers

Nick