Not sure what's going on

sxnflower

Hi everyone, I'm new to these forums and to seeking help in general.

Right now I'm just sort of confused. I have what I consider a pretty good life, stable education, a friend group and partner (who was the one to encourage me to get help), but lately I've been struggling with intrusive thoughts, low motivation and general low moods or a struggle to feel happy, even in things that are fun. These feelings come with frequent anxiety and dissociation, like I'd rather be anywhere but in my own body. I've just started uni and I'm worried that with the added stress it might make these feelings worse and I really just want to go back to feeling alive again.

I've been avoiding telling the people closest to me because I feel guilty for this, like I don't have a 'good enough' reason to be feeling down? And I'm afraid of being a burden to my friends, who are all struggling with their own problems, I'm afraid that if I concern them with the stuff going on in my life, I'll just stress them out more.

I just don't understand what's going on with me. I haven't had these ideations or urges to hurt myself for years, though I never actually dealt with them, they just somehow faded with time. Now, they're back again and I'm struggling to not give in. I don't like being alone anymore and I do take opportunities to meet with my friends, but when I don't, I feel empty. I'm not a danger to myself and I'm doing all the tasks I need to do - school and work, but other than that I seem to have no direction.

I apologise for being so vague but it's a struggle to open up properly, it just seemed less confrontational to do in a forum rather than a one to one meeting. Why has this started affecting me again now? I hope someone has some advice or reassurance for me going forward because I'm tired of these thoughts and of feeling this way. Thank you for reading.

Happylife

Hello and a warm welcome to the forums. Really sorry to hear about the challenges you are going through. You have definitely come to the right place where it is safe and non-judgmental.

From what I understand after reading your post is that you have a pretty stable life and people around who love and support you. Looks like only recently you have been feeling this way.

If I may ask and if you feel like sharing, is there anything particular that happened lately to make you feel anxious and overwhelmed?

Please don't feel guilty for feeling sad, sometimes you can have it all and still feel depressed. It doesn't mean you are unworthy, weak or ungrateful. It's always good to talk to someone (friends or family) whom you trust and share your feelings this will really help.

It also seems that you may have some unresolved emotions or feelings that are deep down which have not been dealt with fully. These can contribute to stress and anxiety.

Please don't feel alone, we are always here for you. I would also suggest that you speak to your GP or seek professional help before it gets worse and starts to affect your daily life.

You are always welcome here and I am happy to listen and support you if you feel like chatting more.

I really hope you feel better and please let me know how things go with you...

Take care

Happylife

sxnflower

Hi, thanks for responding.

Thank you for the kind words, I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around how depression actually works.

I do think everything's been pretty stressful lately, I've been through a lot of change and I've never been very good at handling it. I don't think I can pinpoint anything specific. It's been family fights, job insecurity, my friends venting to me and me worrying about them, figuring out how university works and how to make new friends, I was also ghosted for a few days by my partner which really had me panicking. We talked about it though. Also, I'm not certain about this, but I'm on a new contraceptive pill which has mood swings as a side effect?

I don't feel like I can tell my friends about this to the extent that I want to, because I don't know if they'll be able to cope with knowing this about me. Like, if it stresses me out to listen to them talk about death then surely it would be like that the other way around. I don't want to be the reason to exacerbate any of their issues. Also, I don't know if I'm close enough with anyone to be talking about my mental health, I have a particular mindset around friends and about who I have strong or weak connections with. Most of them I've only known for about a year and the older ones I don't talk with often anymore. I know I need to talk to a professional but I'm really scared to open up like that.

It's just been a lot. Maybe since I never dealt with my problems before, now that I've been put under pressure, they've all popped up again?

I really appreciate the chance to talk.

therising

Hi sxnflower

I feel for you so much given all the challenges you're facing, including feeling incredibly down. For those who've experienced depression before, there can be a fear involved in returning to that place, which can be and added stress or upset. From my own experience over the decades, I've found something that makes the biggest difference to me is people who'll wonder with me as to why I'm finding myself back in that place. When there's someone wondering with me, not only am I not left alone to wonder, there's also a chance of being fast tracked out of that place.

I've found a whole stack of different reasons for periods in depression over the years. They've related to mental challenges, physical challenges and soulful or soul destroying challenges. So, 3 key categories.

Mental challenges can relate to depressing belief systems, depressing inner dialogue (that can sound so convincing), depressing external dialogue from others, a depressing sense of identity or a lack of identity, not being able to make sense of what certain life challenges are about (feeling completely lost) etc etc
Physical challenges can relate to issues with chemistry, for example. I've experienced depression based on side effects from the contraceptive pill, a significant B12 deficiency, a depressing level of sleep apnea and a depressing lack of dopamine and all that other happy chemistry
Soulful kinds of challenges can relate to a lack of the kinds of things that serve the soul such as social connections or a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, a sense of inspiration and so on. A unique way of looking at sensitivity is 'the ability to sense'. A lack of understanding and developing our ability to sense can also feel soul destroying. For example, if your an empathic type who feels deeply for others (aka 'being a bit of an empath'), knowing how to emotionally detach at times so as not to feel too drained is incredibly important, otherwise you can be left feeling like a flat battery. If life is the feeling of plenty of energy running through us, to not feel or sense that energy can become depressing

Sometimes we can be ticking things off from all 3 categories, such with experiencing a chemical/physical deficiency that leads to terrible inner dialogue which then leads to a soul destroying lack of positive energy all 'round.

The thing we felt as depressing 5 years ago can be a whole different thing from what we may be feeling as depressing now. It can also be a whole different thing from what we may feel as depressing in 5 years time. So, while someone may tell us 'You're someone who's prone to depression' (which can be a depressing statement within itself, kind of like you're doomed), I much prefer to look at it as 'You have the ability to feel what's depressing'. Yes, definitely an ability that feels more like a curse at times. The ultimate challenge can come down to gaining a better sense of what that thing is that's leading us to feel the way we do. ❤️