The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life and your dad's life which sounds so incredibly challenging on many levels.
I have to say, when I read your post, I could not help but think and feel how blessed your dad is to have you in his life. You're such a beautiful deeply caring person. As a parent myself (to a 19yo son and 22yo daughter), I've come to recognise the incredible qualities a child can possess: A guide through parts of our path where we can be feeling so lost at times, a light that illuminates the way, a support when we can feel our self collapsing under pressure, a teacher when what we're trying to learn through a challenge that can feel impossible to understand and even a comic relief at times when it feels like there is absolutely nothing in life to laugh or smile about. The list goes on. So many things all rolled into one, you are a gift to your dad.
Personally, I'm one of those 'mind/body/spirit' gals. I've found over the years that a lot, when it comes to addressing mental health, can relate to who I'm speaking to. If I'm speaking to someone who believes 'All that soulful stuff is bull***t' or 'All that psychological jargon is a made up load of cra*', then I'll come from a largely physical/chemical perspective. In other words, I'll cut out the mental and soulful stuff. So it would be along the lines of 'Okay Dad, healthy levels of dopamine are a must unless your goal is to be depressed and I imagine that's not your goal in life. How are you getting your dopamine hits or 'highs' in life?'. A matter of fact approach might be depressing for some but for others it can come as a wake up call. It could go on to sound like 'Are you getting your highs from seeing your mum deteriorate in certain ways? Are you getting them from not being able to go out because mum struggles to get out of the house? Are you getting them from the disappointment you feel or from you staying at home so much? I imagine the answer to all those questions is 'No'. You need to wake up to the depressing lack of chemistry that you're feeling the side effects of'. On a scale of 1 to 10, the question becomes 'What would give him a hit or a high that he could relate to?'. It may not be your cup of tea but even if his thing relates to going to the pub for a beer and even if it only registers as a 1 on the scale, that 1 can be felt as a difference (between that and zero). In no way am I advocating that alcohol is the answer, just the experience of feeling a difference. Btw, I relied on alcohol regarding depression in my earlier years and it was far more destructive than it was constructive.
When it comes to not taking 'No' for an answer, the tough love approach of 'I'm going to be an absolute pain in the backside until you agree to come out with me for an hour' could be worth trying. Sounds very manipulative but if he's able to feel a sense of guilt, you could try guilting him into coming out with you. Something like 'I need someone to speak to. If you don't want to come out with me, I'm going to have to go to the pub alone or go to that cafe alone. Imagine seeing me alone'. Make a sad face if that's what gets things over the line.
From my own experience, with a husband who isn't interested in doing much at all in the way of change and a father who's experiencing a physical and mental decline in an aged care facility (he has progressive dementia), there's a lot of grief to be felt in those experiences. So much grief at times. While we can be focusing on trying to manage the grief, we can forget how to live. If not for my kids, their wisdom, their support, their love and determination in helping me to evolve in life (by seriously pushing me on occasion), I can feel lost to the grief of things at times. Kids are truly amazing people who hold the potential to shift our focus. As a parent, it's my experience that sometimes kids know what's best for their parents and sometimes parents can be very stubborn people who are of the false belief that they know better than their children 😊
