Not fitting in.

[Durban]

The feeling I have today is nothing new. just existing.

normal childhood, struggled in school (adhd) dropped out to persue my swimming career. It was the one thing I could do good! Swimming and lifesaving was my life and entered a career as a professional beach life guard in early 20s. That's when it all started. Experienced a case of discrimination being the only female on the team and over a year of severe bullying. Stood up for myself but at the end all I ended up with was my confidence and belief in who I am shattered. This was the start of my "depression" and health issues. 

At the time I was lucky to meet my husband and marry and now have 2 kids. It has not been smooth sailing. Husband worked away at sea for 3 months at a time.(at home for 3) Many bumps along the way, always being the one to pick up the pieces. 

Loosing my dad to heart failure and dealing with it alone as my husband was at sea. Then 4 years ago I was in serious heart failure ... And my husband was away. I'm just tiered and couldn't even be gravely ill without worrying about everyone else. I survived my heart failure. I had to because I have tue beautiful boys who need me. 

Realising a relationship like the one we had could not continue, we immigrated to Australia to a shore based job in rural wa. We have been here almost 20 months and it has been hard. Although my husband now comes home every night, he is tiered and withdrawn and if I speak to him it is no more than 5 minutes a day. It's as if he is out on the ocean and not home at all! 

I have given up my home, where I had a job(swim teacher at my home pool) and everything I knew(good medical, which I now have to fly 2 hours to get to) and my family. Life was no peaches there but I had a life. 

Now in a small rural town, and nothing is working for me. I am not able to teach swimming cause my qualification is not recognized here. I have no filter when it comes articulating myself and I ruined the other love of my life which is working with children in scouts. I struggle to make friends, yet I would be your best friend. 

i just want to be me and be accepted. And loved. 

[white knight]

Hi Durban, welcome to beyond blue forums

I can see clearly some crossroads you've taken haven't ben the best route. Sometimes we make decisions we need to acknowledge were the wisest at the time, back pedal and try again.

Firstly your husband. I think it would be really hard to change routine and mentality from his working lifestyle to a more conventional land based job. He is detached from you somewhat due to this I think and possibly due to your own state of mind. These things feed off each other and seem worse when they do. You and your husband need to do some serious talking.

Any Aussie base din the city that heads off to the rural zone seeking a new life and employment change would find it really hard to fit in. So you'd be worse. I've lived in the city and in a regional area and now live in a town of 200 people but we are 13 minutes drive from a town of 4000 people with hospital, supermarket schools and most importantly less that 90 minutes from a big city (Melbourne). Beyond that distance things change, people are more isolated. Being of 2 or 3 or more generations in the same area is different....you are then a real local.

I suggest you reconsider your location and think about the benefits in moving to a large town or city fringe. You could seek out Australian qualifications for your swimming teaching and you both could feel revitalised by the move.

Some food for thought. In the meantime visit your GP for a check up and mention your depression.

Tony WK