I never thought I would join a forum to share my deepest thoughts and
darkest truths but this really is my last hope at trying to save myself.
I don't want to make this all about my history, like many my childhood
was far from wonderful and I have no...
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I never thought I would join a forum to share my deepest thoughts and
darkest truths but this really is my last hope at trying to save myself.
I don't want to make this all about my history, like many my childhood
was far from wonderful and I have no doubt that it was the early years
of my life that set me up to be what I am today. I am now middle aged
and lead a completely double life. I do all the standard acting, smile
when you should, say the right thing, be supportive and caring, be the
go to person for everyone else, the strong, reliable, responsible one
who helps anyone with what ever is needed. I am constantly aware of my
behaviour, body language, speech and reactions so that I always come
across as how I want and NEED to be perceived. The reality is though
that I am falling apart inside, everything in my world is a struggle but
never will I talk of this, not to my husband, adult children, family or
friends (I don't really have friends, never let anyone get that close to
me). I spend my life supporting everyone around me and making sure they
are all happy and well taken care of so for me it would feel like an
incredible weakness to share my problems with them. Honestly, they
wouldn't understand, they would be totally judgemental and no doubt
quite angry about some things. Which also wouldn't work for me given I
hate confrontation. During the last 40 yrs I have done therapy, spent
time in a psychiatric hospital and taken the medications. The therapy
and meds still continue but are no longer enough to get me through. I
have completely ruined my life and those closest to me, my life is one
big lie, my husband has no idea of the person he is married to, my
children have no idea of what I am, knowing will serve no purpose so
that part of me I have been successful in changing but it's the other
things I need help with. Behind closed doors i am always in a state of
depression and quite suicidal, I feel like my world is closing in on me
but I can't share this with anyone not even my therapist. I feel like a
total failure and am so so tired. The other thing is that I have
financially ruined us over all these years. We have lost our home, have
debt galore and are now heading into crisis mode but still no one knows
as I can't stop the need to protect them from sadness at all cost. So
what do I do from here, my own thoughts are just too irrational so I
have turned to you all for some advice beyondblue's clinically-trained
moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to
suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from
the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or
self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.