This probably won't interest anyone but I felt it was the appropriate
place to let some stuff go, so I'm ok if no one reads it. I am a just
turned 60yo man who cares for his Mum in a very small country community
in Western Victoria, gay, educated and...
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This probably won't interest anyone but I felt it was the appropriate
place to let some stuff go, so I'm ok if no one reads it. I am a just
turned 60yo man who cares for his Mum in a very small country community
in Western Victoria, gay, educated and just an ordinary sort of a bloke
really, albeit one who has a depressive/anxiety condition with an
increasing need for isolation. Quite the opposite to what I was once. I
am unable to mix with a crowd now or even a small gathering where I make
excuses to leave. I just don't understand the psychological changes that
have occurred over the past 10 years or so and I find it hard to find
anyone who has the slightest idea of what I am talking about. Friends
and family try but I can see that they don't get how I am feeling. I use
an elephant analogy whereby my depression and anxiety feels like an
elephant sitting on my chest and when there is some respite, the
elephant hops off and wanders into the jungle and gives me a break. He's
always there though, peering at me through the trees and when he's
ready, he comes back and resumes his position on my chest. I would never
have thought that a psychological condition could have such a
physiological impact as it does. The weight is constant. Funny that I
don't look for sympathy at all as being in awareness seems to help me
cope, its the lack of understanding from those near and dear that
frustrates me but then again, how can they walk in your shoes. They just
think I'm a fruit loop as I do at times. The other companion I have is
the daily thoughts of suicide that invade my space. I've had a
preoccupation with it for many years and don't know why. I'm safe while
Mum still enjoys oxygen, but not so sure about it later on. There was
another tragic case of youth suicide in this town last year and I was
astounded at the comments I heard following his death. You know, the
same ole ... "how could he do that to his parents", "had everything to
live for", "who would have know" the same old ignorant commentary that
surrounds suicide. So I decided to write to the regional newspaper
explaining depression and how it can lead to suicide. I commented that
it is not so much the taking of life that is the tragedy, but the
inability to live it. It got published in several newspapers and it has
helped this community by way of understanding a little bit. Anyway, its
been good getting this off my chest and as I am running out of allowable
space to write this, I will say thanks and goodbye. beyondblue's
clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on
issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general
supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have
concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service
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