my depression is ruining my relationship

[Long_neck_19]

my moods and depression is ruining my relationship.  All I'm doing it pushing my partner further and further away because I don't know how to deal with it all- and he has had enough of trying to help me that I just cant talk to him about it anymore because I know even though he loves and cares for me he cant deal with my problems anymore. 
Because we cant talk about it without it turning into a fight I cant convince him that my problems stem from me constantly letting him down and feeling like a useless sack of shit because of letting him down. 
I know I should walk away and let him live his life before I ruin it anymore- but I just cant make myself as I know he is the only thing keeping me slightly sane and giving me something to love and want to be better for.   
Not quite sure where to go from here other then back to the doctor tomorrow and hope this time I can get the help I need and not quit as soon as I feel slightly better. 
I just hope he will still be there as its getting less and less likely he will keep outing up with my shit!

[Neil_1]

Hi there long neck

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and providing your post.

Wowee, I can resonate with so much of what you’ve written – and here I am in a relationship of 21 years and two kids (two beautiful and wonderful children, now into their teens).

I do have a lot of mechanisms in place to help me through and I think without these, I don’t think I’d still be in my relationship.

Now, you’ve mentioned getting back to your doctor.  I hope that they are able to help and guide you professionally with this?   Do you feel well supported by your doc?

Have they placed you on any anti-depressants?   Or have they provided you with any referrals for possible counselling as well?

I find the counselling side of things to be crucial, as I’m talking with a trained professional (my psychologist) and I can unload there to any degree that I want and from that, I’ll receive constructive feedback as well.   This is in place of me trying to unload at home, where it can and has caused differences of opinions and arguments with my other half.   And then I’ve got to the stage where I stop from saying anything at home, for fear of bringing her down by what I have to say.

Other aspects that I have in place (for me) are that I go to a gym regularly (like 6 days a week) and try to keep as fit as I can possibly be – though I’d like to be even fitter, but there’s a four letter word that begins with “w” that gets in the way of me increasing my fitness levels to where I’d love to be.  Stupid thing called work!

Eating sensibly and clean is also a must for me – though diversions can also be had – I guess it all depends on your makeup and what goals you have set.

Setting goals is another thing.  Thinking about the “immediate” future and making little goals and only you can know what they are, but little ones means that they are achievable.  This is crucial, so that you can achieve them – success rather than failure.

I’ll send this now and would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Long neck,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

The problem with depression is that what we believe is not always the truth; we just think it is because our thoughts are so negative.  We can think that we are pushing our relationship away, and we can think that we aren't loved, or that we are useless but it's not always necessarily true.

If your partner loves you, he will work with you through this.

Seeing the doctor is a great first step and I'm also interested to know how you get on and if he/she helped.

What sorts of things do you need from your partner?  Do you want space?  Do you want to be cuddled?  Do you need to be heard?  Sometimes it can really help to try and start those conversations - and just talk calmly about how you are both feeling and what it is you need from each other.  Maybe your partner is feeling frustrated because he doesn't know how to help - that doesn't mean you are useless it just means that they need to understand more what they can do.

🙂

[geoff]

dear Long neck, hello and it's great to let us be able to talk to you.

This is a concerning problem for you that seems as though it could be going around and around in circles, in other words you may have an argument with your boyfriend, or disagree on an issue which is never resolved, so your mood changes and then you become solemn, and eventually this leads you down the road to depression, and the relationship then becomes flawed, so you are stuck in the middle of not knowing what to do.

Sure we all have disagreements, it's part of life, but when our partner won't accept what is happening to us and doesn't want to be involved in helping us, then is the relationship worth pursuing, and remember there is a lot of water that has to pass under the bridge in any long term relationship.

There is always a common problem here in that 'not to quit as soon as I feel slightly better', and the same applies with antidepressants, because what is important is that once we are well we still have to look after ourselves, as our mood will fluctuate because life is always a challenge.

Good luck when you see your doctor. L Geoff. x