What's wrong with me!

[IDK]

So I've been lashing out lately (well probably for quite a while now), like in sort of a blind rage for no reason - or at least the smallest little things will trigger it.  I just can't seem to help myself.  I just feel like I want people to think for themselves and stop bothering me.  I just don't want to have to deal with people in general.  I don't return phone calls or emails. I seem to self sabotage everything and push people away.  How did this happen?  

I don't feel angry all time, mostly I just feel flat and heavy - I have been attributing it to laziness and lack of motivation.  I used to know happiness and lightness once, but I remember this feeling of disconnection and flatness from way back when I was in primary school.

My husband and partner for the last 20 years confronted me last night about my short temper and lack of patience... so I googled for the first time "Why am I so angry?".  One of the first pages I came across said some things that rang true: Frustration, not being able to be happy, lashing out, being withdrawn and disconnected.  Apparently, these are all symptoms of depression.  I couldn't believe it, I'm not depressed, surely not!  I'm optimistic and not a negative type of person, how can I be depressed?  I have a girlfriend who suffers from depression and I have never been able to relate to what she goes through on a daily basis.

How can I be depressed? I'd always thought that the "D" word was some peoples way to get attention. To think that I was depressed was not right, surely. I don't wan't to be the attention of anyone, I just want to be left alone to do my own thing. 

 So I casually mentioned it all to my husband this morning, this "D" word.  He was very sweet and gave me a cuddle.  But then, when I dropped him off at work.  He said to me I should be grateful that I have a son and a husband that loves me and a roof over my head.  Things could be so much worse.  I know this, but all it did was make me feel worse, much worse.  I now feel guilty!  I cried the whole way home and most of the day.  So here I am... trying to find my way to the lightness.

[White_Rose]

Dear IDK

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I see from your post that you feel very confused and distressed. Why would I have depression? Unfortunately because depression, often called the Black Dog, is no respector of persons. It will bite whenever there is a smell of opportunity. Nothing to do with having a loving family, a good life, financial stability, enjoyable job. It's just because.

Now I do not know if you are depressed. I am not a doctor, but it may be worth your while to visit your GP and tell him/her your symptoms. Before you do, take the one minute checklist on the first page. It's not a full diagnostic tool, just an indicator. Be honest with your answers, after all no one else will see them. Then take it from there.

Also on the first page, next to the checklist link is a link to learning about depression. Go through the information available there. I think you will find your symptoms show up. Ask BB to send you any of the information you find interesting and appropriate. Ask for the literature for family and friends. It is really useful.

By now you are saying "but why should it happen to me? I have a good life. There are lots of people worse off than me." And this is what your husband said. There is no reason to have depression just as there is no reason to get the 'flu. It's your body's reaction, though I have no idea what it's reacting to.

One thing is certain. It makes no difference if you are the most unfortunate person you know or have what is perceived as a wonderful life. The Black Dog can attack. It's also true that everyone's experience of depression is different. Your friend may have a major depression, possibly combined with high anxiety. You may have a moderate depression, if you are depressed at all. It's different for everyone.

I don't want to sound like doom and gloom. Depression is not the end of the world although our culture seems terrified of the illness, which makes matters worse for everyone. It's just an illness you can get over with the help of your doctor.

Frustration, anger, withdrawing, feeling flat and lacking in motivation are all part of depression. You have not done anything wrong, you are not lazy and you are not a whimp. The more swiftly you get help the easier it will be to recover. Putting of going to your GP only allows the Dog to become more deeply entrenched. Point out who's the boss and bring it to heel.

Please let us know how you go.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi IDK,

Welcome tot he community here at Beyond Blue. Mary has given you some wonderful advice and suggestions here. I too find that the more I know about depression nd the stress that I feel, the better I am able to cope with my condition.

I've had depression since I was about 12 years old. Depression comes in many different forms and be caused by different things in different people.

With my family, it is in our genes unfortunately, I have many relatives that suffer from depression nd related issues. It can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now that is something that we do not ask for at all, like Mary mentioned, it just happens.

Some people are depressed because of their life circumstances, and for them, being able to change a few things can really help.

I too suggest you go and have a chat with your Dr.

If you do receive a diagnosis of depression, it is not going to be the end of the world for you. It can actually help to open up a whole new way of viewing life and your loved ones.

Once you get your head around why you are behaving the way you are and you are on the road to recovery and finding different ways for doing things, you will feel much better.

It may be helpful to keep your husband and son involved and informed on how you are feeling and what you are discovering so they too will be better able to understand you and your current issues. They will be better informed on how to help and assist you as well.

It sounds like your husband cares for you, so that is a great start!

Wishing you well.

Cheers for now from Lauren or Mrs. Dools

[__Melbourne_Aus_Guy]

over 4 Years  ago  I   went  thought full depression Had No Idea  How  to Get out  I thought to Myself  I  wont ge though this   I attempted  to take my own Life     if it was for  a Police officer   seeing Me  and talking me down I would Have  done  it  

 after nearly   2 years Of the struggle and seeing one of My Best freinds struggling with depression I started Blogging  on  Youtube  putting  my story Up and  sharing it on My Social media Profile  

My video got  20 shares and 300 views  and I thought  to myself I am out of the woods  But  I have had  currentley  a return to the aniety sided  of depression and  I didnt relaize  until again I spoke Publically  about   finally seeking help  via My social media Profile as I  beleive rasing awarness is important 

that  i had over 120  comments on my   video I put up of freinds and family    telling me how proud they where of me after  I   seeked   help   as  years ago when I tired to reach out I was to embarassed to   seek help 

I feel really good and I recomend If You can get a full Mental health check   and see  some one to talk to do it its been the best thing  I have ever done 

also  our  Woolworths stores  has  been raising   funds for Beyond   blue  and   its amazing eganging with the community and selling out off   5  boxes of  beyond blue bands( with 50 in each box)  within the first  week it has made me feel really good   that Im giving something back to the community and I  recommend any one going though   depression to engage with the community tell your story 

 blog   that your struggling because you know me reaching out   to my social media profile  made me realize  I am not alone and there is a Light at the end of  this tunnel .

I had  freinds    telling me how  amazing it was that some one  is talking about   depression and there story publically and how they went thought it  or are still going though it and struggle every day 

You know there is Not alot  we can do for   a freind of family But  we can give them 100 percent of our suppourt  sitck by them   make them laugh  🙂  because showing some comapssion could save some one life 

I thank you for Your time    

[little_pepper]

Hi IDK

 I just want you to know that you are not alone. In hind site I am probably someone who suffered undiagnosed depression on and of from my childhood until adult hood. I had a relative that suffered from depression with all the "classic" symptoms so even though i knew something wasn't right i still felt that i didn't deserve help because i didn't know what was wrong with me and i was just making it up because it didn't match my expectations of what depression was.

I also remember being quite snappy and angry at the tiniest things almost like i was going to explode and there were things that felt hyper real like noises being to loud or lights were to bright. I didn't socialize because i thought that it was just apart of my personality and felt incredibly guilty that i was 'using up the planets resources. When I was unwell it took longer to do things and i felt more tired. Im at a stage now where i can look back and notice the symptoms that are specific to me and work on a treatment plan that i am comfortable with, which includes medication and therapy (now cutting down on both after two and a half years.)

I am still constantly amazed by the changes in all areas of my life and as strange as it sounds i think experiencing depression (now that im better) has made me a more aware of whats going on around me and made me a more kind and compassionate person. 

I hope my story gives you a bit of hope and definitely go and see your GP. If you feel that something isn't quite adding up -then thats probably the case. 

Wishing you all the best

[Mike_101]

Hi IDK

Depression can affect people in different ways and be caused by different things for everyone, so your comparison to your friend might not be a good one because as you have said you can't relate to her daily struggles. Yes you can be depressed but it might affect you in a completely different manner than her.

On saying that, you could just be fed up with daily hassles and not be depressed. When your husband showed compassion after you told him you felt depressed I'm sure that was a real mood improver - when you dropped him off and he made the snide off-hand remark of course that would depress anyone - or belittle how they are feeling. So its understandable you cried because your partner of 20 years wasn't understanding of what you are going through. Did you pick him up after work that day or let him walk home? 😉

When was the last time someone did something for you? Dropping your husband at work, your mention of your son, while I don't know your personal situation maybe your burned out and need a break. If your frustrated about people not thinking for themselves, or not doing things for themselves then maybe it sounds like your physically and emotionally in need of some pampering for a weekend - with or without your husband.

While you may be depressed and im not dismissing that - maybe you might also just be emotionally and physically drained and need to let the boys (husband included) fend for themselves for a day here and there so you can have some recovery time. A good way to gauge this is to make a mental - or written - note of when the last time someone did something for you that made you feel good, without the guilt-trip (or the "you should be thankful" speech) attached to it.

Kind regards
Mike

[Sunshine_lollypops]

Hi IDK, 

first, thank you, I can identify with a lot of what you've said. The snappiness, getting angry quickly and feeling like I've got no good reason to react the way I do sometimes and feeling guilty because of how I feel.

I spoke to a counsellor a couple of times who told me I wasn't clinically depressed during our discussion. 

All I can think is well what is wrong with me then? Is it really that I'm just ungrateful and need an attitude adjustment? I don't buy that, I'm not ungrateful, I know I have a great husband and daughter among other things. There seems to be a lot of underlying stuff that I just don't know what to do with (both past experiences and changes in my life) that leave me feeling conflicted, upset and lost. Plus there is a major part of my life that I have no control over and have to deal with aggression, negativity, judgement every other day. it's a part of my life I'm stuck with dealing with for at least another 10 years.  It's tiring. But that isn't my whole life and why am I punishing those that love me and mean the most? I am searching for some answers and I hope you find the help you are looking for soon.

Thanks for helping me to not feel so alone. 

Take care

sunshine&lollypops

[Doolhof]

Hi Melboure Aus Guy,

Thank you so much for your message. It is amazing to read how you have managed to change your life around. Congratulations to you.

I'm not too sure about the using the social media the way you have as I have enough trouble with this site and emails! Ha. Ha. It is wonderful you have managed to get your story out there and people have been so supportive. Well done.

It is excellent also that you have found a way to feel like you are giving back to the community. I have had many volunteer roles in my life and do find them to be very satisfying as well.

I care for the elderly in their homes and try to be there for them in an emotional supportive role also.

I'm wondering if your work mates and bosses know that you have/had depression? I recently had three weeks off due to my depression, including a week in hospital as my Dr thought I was talking about suicide a little too much for his liking.

I had a phone call from one of my bosses telling me that if I had any more time off work then I would be out of a job! I wanted to tell her why I had been in hospital, but thought she might tell me then and there that I was fired!

I wonder if her reaction would have been any different if I had told her that I had cancer or even severe diabetes? Who knows. Maybe not.

Congratulations again to you for being out there and standing up for the rest of us!

Cheers from Lauren or Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Little Pepper,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story here.

I hope you continue to make improvement and find something to be thankful for each day.

Being able to look back and see what has happened in your life, accept it and move on to something better is a huge achievement.

For me, depression and other illnesses have certainly opened my eyes to the suffering of others.

I hope you continue to grow and move forward.

Cheers from Lauren

[Doolhof]

Hi Sunshine and Lollipops,

Do you have the opportunity to chat with a different counsellor? Have you tried the phone help line here at Beyond Blue or the webchat on this site?

Sometimes life can become quite over whelming, so I hope you are able to find some answers as to why you are feeling as you are and also to find strategies on how to feel better about life.

Hopefully just sharing your struggles here might help you to get your thoughts out of your head. Sometimes just writing stuff down can help you to better understand why you are feeling the way you do.

Have you tried any cognitive therapy, that might help you sort out some issues as well.

Hope some of this helps. Cheers for now, from Lauren