No hope this week

[Mares73]

Hi all

i think I was about to go for my appt to see the Acute Team Pysch when I past wrote. He turned out to be yeRs young & arrogant. I think I was more self aware than he was used to so he tried to criticise the meds I'm on but then saying he can't sdp, change or recommend anything-as long as I went suicidal he was going to ph & refer me bk to my own private pysch. I was supposed to see her last Thursday but I hadn't slept for 41 hours & I couldn't go-I couldn't think straight & I knew I needed to be able to lake things in when I saw her. So now I have appt for mon 10 Feb but cancellations usually come up so I should see her this week. Several people have said just to stop taking the stimulant med as it's been a drastic decline last 2 wks. This wkend meant to be going down coast to stay for my husbands friends wedding. But as I keep telling him I'm not in a state to go to a wedding with no one I know & I'm not even looking forward to going away as home is my safety net comfort zone. My mind & thoughts are scattered, I can't concentrate or remember things. Even my mum is saying I don't talk like me-I'm unclear, finding communication difficult. She is concerned at my mental state as she's never seen me so unwell. She says to just tell my husband I can't go-he can still go, but he'd be so mad at me. I'm just feeling alone & had hoped to have advice/changes by now. But I may try lower dosages of the stimulant because someone like me who is generally always anxious-what benefit for me is there in taking a stimulant. Anxious, down, lost & feeling it's all too overwhelming. Anyway to sum up I feel awful. Exhausted beyond words. So my dear friends I'm wondering how you all are & I carry you in my heart. Lve Mares x

[Mares73]

Yes I'm an idiot. Yes I'm alive. Feel so stupid-I noticed that Neil was posting yesterday at same time as me & thought we could chat on here. Yes BB  it's not fair of me when other members (ie Neil) himself are going through so much themselves-I did receive & read the email from BB. I guess I didn't think it through-I just saw he was online & is a friend & needed/wanted to chat to someone who understood and he was the only friend I have that was online at same time. I have good friends here it could of been any of them but it was him because I thought he was there & because we have a good connection. I feel so so embarrassed & stupid.  I'm sorry Neil-I really am. I hope you are ok. I'm not great but I'm not going to do anything bad. Feel like I don't even deserve to be on here. Sorry to BB as well. It's almost impossible not to form connections with each other & I know other members who have a close rapport. But in this instance -I just feel rejected & stupid. I'll be ok. You all take care. Love mares x

[Neil_1]

Mares,

Can I ask a favour?  Can you get Beyond Blue to delete your last post.  Why?  Because you have gone over the top to beat yourself up.  You've said things about yourself that aren't true.   Or at the very least get yourself 3 things;  a piece of paper, a pen and a shovel.

Write down these words on the piece of paper:  "idiot"   "stupid"   "embarrassed"  "bad"  "rejected"  and while we're at it, "sorry".  Ok all written down ... now go outside and bury that piece of paper ... bury it deep ... because I don't want you (or anyone on this site) to use those words again - especially when they're referring to me... whoops, I mean themselves.  Slight entering into a tiny bit of humour there, while doing a serious post.

Maresy, EVERYONE deserves to be here and be on Beyond Blue.  Everyone here is looking out for one another ... and my only suggestion in times like that, is to throw open a 'baited post' to everyone ... can someone talk ... cause you know if I'm about I'll be jumping up straight away.   But at the same time, there'll be so many others ... and yes, I know we've built a connection over the time, but we've done that through posting and getting to hear how each other is suffering, etc and that can be done with so many others as well ... and you do have so many others on this site who absolutely care for 1000%

Can I please ask though, what your plans are today?

Neil

[geoff]

dear Mares, Neil would totally understand what you are going through at the moment and the alliance between you both is a warm connection, and that's always good to have someone that you can connect with, because you know they will respond back to you.

These young inexperienced psych's, think that they have the answers to everything, know what to do and what to say, b*****t, they have a long way to go before anyone can honestly and sincerely trust them.

You can't finish the uni course and get a degree and believe that what you have learnt is the way to go, IT'S NOT by any standard, because every case is different, people have different issues and these are not text book material, so this fellow needs at least 20 years in the field, and even this might not mean he is any good either.

Mary do you remember awhile ago when you first posted about the wedding, I suggested that you tell your husband that you won't be able to go, and my belief is still the same.

Firstly by altering your medication hoping that it may get you through is not the way to go, because if you hit a bad patch then you will be fumbling around taking meds that you shouldn't be taking, and the possibility would seem like you are drunk, sorry.

I mean no harm in saying this, but you don't want to go, and in your best interests I don't believe you should, just an old man's opinion. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Neil I don't know what I'm doing today. I'm in the "self hate" mode. I can't believe I'm 40 & until I was 34 or 35 i was such a high achiever. IPeople relied on me, I has big responsibilities. And I got confidence through that. But now I'm a diffrent person-isolated at home, no plans or direction (although I know I need to work on that) & no friendships as they were all work based. Now I'm isolated & my only contact is you guys on here & a pile of self help books on depression, mindfulness  & ACT therapy. I've got the lot so if anyone wants info I could scan to BB maybe. Anyway  -Neil I don't want to do anything or see anyone-I'm afraid the monsters are coming back. Mares x

[Mares73]

Ps I should explain my personality type. I get close to people, especially those in need very quickly. I would give someone my last dollar. I'm very sensitive but I'd do anything for people. I'm very generous & giving & would help anyone. Well I've always been told that about myself. That my heart rules my head at times. So I hope you can understand my emotions & how easily I form bonds with people-which is so ironic given the types of abuse I've got through x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares,

You know I sense that about you ... but I sense that about so many people on this site.

In fact, it'd be a very interesting survey to do;   something along the lines of:  "Do people who suffer from mental illness have personalities where they would give their last dollar to someone in need or the shirt off their back if needed?"

I'm not trying to make it sound nasty to the rest of the population, but "Do depression sufferers exhibit more compassion, caring and sympathy in their demeanour than others?"

I'm glad I raised it here, because I feel I'd be shot down if I raised that amongst the general population.

Cheers

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear Geoff thank you so much for your advice. You know I've actively been looking/waiting for the appropriate place to thank you in a similar way to how I responded to Neil. You have been with me all the way on this journey since I joinedBB & I always check for replies from you. Because like Neil-I feel you are such a huge part of my support system & your advice & support & wise words mean more than I can describe. You are a genuine friend who I feel connected to & who I admire so much. Ill never forget my fear & hesitation in joining this forum & you & Neil being the first people to welcome & reassure me & provide ongoing support during my difficult times. So I really hope you get to read this & know how much I value & care for you. I often wish I could sit down & have a chat with you. You are a big source of inspiration to me. Re the wedding I agreed to the drive down the coast & to stay at the hotel but I've made it very clear I won't be going to the wedding. I've brought my ipad so I can talk to you guys & some books. My husband has accepted that so ill have a quiet afternoon/evening in the hotel room reading & going on my ipad to talk on this forum. I'm glad it has worked out & we came to a resolution. I think he is realising how unwell I am. So ill close for now & be back probably online around 3pm. And Geoff-please remember this msg was written for you-to say thankyou for being the wonderful, wise, kind, supportive person you are-and in particular-being so special to me. Lve Mares xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

Just a quick note to say that I'm so pleased that you're not attending the wedding.  And it's good that hubby has accepted this. 

Down the coast huh?   Is it possible for you to have a wander along a beach while you're there?  I guess it all depends on where you're staying but if you can get a chance to do that I reckon that'd be really nice.

It's good to hear that you've got your ipad and some books as well, to keep you occupied - treat it like a little mini holiday.  🙂

Cheers

Neil

[geoff]

dear Mares, here Neil and I jumping up and down and putting another shrimp on the bbie.

I too am so pleased that the both of you have come to an agreement because if you did go to the wedding itself then everyone would be asking you all sorts of questions those which are none of their business, but which would put you in an awkward position, and this then would make you feel worse. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

I am glad to read that you didn't go to the wedding and that your husband realised that you are not in a good place at the moment.

Just take your time, take it easy and just do what you want to do.

I'm not much for words, sometimes really not knowing what to say to people for fear of being judged or laughed at,

I'm sorry Mares, I need to go now I am crying.  Jusst wanted to say that i am thinking of you and hope you okay.

take care

Jo xxx