Overwhelmed, but I barely leave the house.

[Saddened]

Thank you for opening my post.

I'm 20, female and living in SA with my mother. I have depression, severe anxiety and agoraphobia. 

I've become very numb, not because of my medications but because of my mind. I can feel my body is physically reacting more than ever now and it scares me. I have a wonderful boyfriend but I can't even go on a date with him because I get too scared leading up to leaving the house and if I do leave, the whole time I can't stop looking over my shoulder and looking around and my heart rate goes crazy and I can't think, can't get comfortable, and I don't want anybody to see me or look at me.  

Today for the first time in 8 months I went out and had coffee at a coffee shop with a good friend of mine, who knew I had these disorders. I tried my hardest to calm myself down and be relaxed and the best I could do was seem stressed, it was awful for me inside myself though, and leading up to knowing I was going to do this was awful.  My friend hadn't seen me like this before because I only see her at my house or hers, inside small spaces, a familiar safe area.  Once she saw I wasn't my normal self she started treating me different, and got very annoyed that I wasn't my usual self.  She wouldn't smile or make conversation with me and it made me feel so guilty and horrible and alone.  I tried to explain to her again what having agoraphobia means and she just seemed really put out, I even apologised for my condition to try and make her feel okay and she just laughed.  

I am very saddened by this experience. When I got home I laid in bed like I always do and thought about hurting myself but I felt so heavy I couldn't move. I fell asleep, like I always do, and then woke up, and lay here, like I always do.  

If you have read this far, thank you.

Yesterday my dad got in contact with me and said he's leaving for england on sunday and won't be back for two years.  He's given me an hour to see him on saturday before he leaves. I never see him, I miss him, but he doesn't care about me.  Even my mother and my sister tell me this.  What if he dies while he's away? Tomorrow is the last few minutes I might ever spend with him.  

I'm sad. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Saddened

I've gotta say firstly, that I LOVE your pic that you've displayed.  I believe you should use that dragon to help slay the inner demons that you're experiencing.  It's a positive sign.

Thank you for coming to beyond blue and reaching out with your post.  It was a detailed post and it's kind a 'good' thing to be able to do this, as I find it therapeutic in a way to be able to get things off your chest and written down;  and especially doing it as there's so many wonderful fellow sufferers who will post back to you with advice, guidance and above all support and understanding.

Saddened, it's now Saturday morning when I'm posting this, so I'm guessing it's about this time that you're seeing your Dad.  Is he ill?  Is he going to England for a job?  Does he (or actually, does any one in your family) know of your mental illness that your dealing with?

That's extremely disappointing for you about your friend.  To laugh at someone when they state they have this illness ... well to me, they certainly aren't much of a friend in my mind.

You have mentioned that you are on medications.  Which is good, although, with all the severe symptoms you're currently describing, I'm just wondering whether these medications may be in need of a review?   Is it your GP or your treating psych who prescribes them for you?

Do you have regular appointments with either your GP or your psych?

Saddened, I think it might be a good idea to see if you can get yourself another appointment as soon as possible ... all the issues you've raised are concerning and I think you need to get them out on the table in front of your professional treating person to discuss.

Just one other thing before I go ... how long have you and your boyfriend been together?  Does he know of your condition and does he provide you with support;  a shoulder to cry on or lean on;  or just an ear for a sounding board??

I hope you're doing ok today and that you had as good a time as possible with your Dad,

And I do hope that you can get back to us, as long as you feel ok in doing so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear Saddened, I'm so so glad you have reached out on this forum-you will receive unconditional support, care, advice & no judgement. It's a truly lovely group of people & they (as will I) try to support you as much as we can. You sound like things are really tough right now. I can completely relate to you not feeling ok to leave the house-I too am experiencing difficulty leaving the house at the moment & even though that has created a situation where I am lonely & isolated, it's a very vicious cycle. I saw an acute team with a psychiatrist for the first time last week. I came away thinking I would put a very small goal in my diary each day & aim to achieve it on 2 conditions- firstly a small way forward ie can u go for a small walk each day, even to the end of your street & back. Therapy would most probably benefit by dealing with the issues as to providing you with advice & techniques to apply with your parents & others. Its great your boyfriend is so  understanding & supportive. That would be a great help. And I can't help commenting on your so called "friend". A stranger would show more compassion.  I'm sorry I don't want to offend you-but that is no way to treat anyone let alone a friend. Her lack of care, concern, compassion & even a simple ability to listen to what your experiencing-seems beyond her & you definetly don't need people in your life like that at the moment. I appreciate your Dad leaving for 2 years may be very distressing & you will need support & care during that time as I imagine you may feel a sense of loss. Are you seeing a good GP? Are you able to ask the GP for a mental health plan which basically covers up to maximum of 12 sessions with a Pyschologist? On this website there is a list of GPs & Pyschologists in each area (so you will find some near you), who are trained specifically in mental health including training sessions from Beyond Blue-I'd highly recommend you look at the list or simply call the BB number & they will give you contact details immediately. It's very hard when you can't leave the house & the fears tend to build & built. Pls know you are not alone-I & many others will relate to your situation & provide as much support & advice as they can. You've taken a big step coming here & that shows your courage & strength even if you can't feel it. And you are so insightful in describing your situation-so you are strong & I believe with support can take the next small step-getting help with the symtoms & triggers. I will checkin later to see if you have posted an update. Hang in there-you have already shown your strength-now it's getting support to take the next step. I'll be thinking of you. Mares xxxx (Mares73) xxx

[giggles]

dear Mares73

I too love the dragon picture I recently saw the Hobbit and hope you get a chance to see it if you are into the lord of the rings things. I followed all the movies but someone said the book is different as it has more in it. so I thought "Oh no really now there is a mission to read all of them" Perhaps one first will do.

But I am sure that loads of people have similar advice for you that directs to breaking things down.

I know what you mean by people treating you differently because of the new information that you give about your state. I personally have never shared my health concerns to others because of this problem. while my heart by pass is obvious by the tops I wear still no one ever approaches me about it and the diabetes is unseen. Either way I purposely never tell people unless it is relevant to the conversation or I want to talk about it.so I get it I was shocked to see you are so young to have this placed on your shoulders.

What I have leant about other peoples responses is that they are not equiped to deal with this and have a personal uncomfortable feeling going on in them and it of course is obvious to the person expressing something important to them.

so I get it but have learnt that it is always really about us and what we end up doing with our things but I am sure you have been wondering about this for long time.

I do not know what it is like to be outside and experience those feelings at such an intensity that you do and have been so far in life.If you feel safe at home then I reckon that will do for now and hopefully someone will come along to help in those areas that you desire.

It is ok though and I hope what I wrote about others helps because no one can control how others will respond to a condition like yours and I know for a fact that they will not have the patience to either. so hopefully no blaming of yourself I have for whatever reason always always imagined what it is like for others going through something it does not mean I want to be them but just considerate really,

You mentioned your father leaving and how you feel about this and gosh I don't know how many people go through loved ones moving on and leaving them when they do not wish for this to happen. But again it is always about them looking after themselves first regardless of what is happening to family.

Now imagine if you recover to the point of actually going over there one day and being everything you desire what a day that will be for you. But in the meantime if you can focus on what will help you perhaps get up a little longer some days then that would be to me a sign of progress.

what do you enjoy doing something keeps you here is it dragons?

Must admit I was disturbed when Donkey mated with the Dragon in Shrek but man their babies are so damn cute. Wrong though lol

Butterflys, frogs, birds,animals,and you have a boyfriend how did you manage that one if you do not go anywhere lol.

Write back as we all seem to say here someone is reading not always replying but still perhaps they should rename it beyond the courage zone.

all the best young one

giggles