I feel as if I am the ball in a tennis match

[iamsotired]

I feel as if I am the ball in a tennis match

i go from way on the negative to the net or just over and occasionally way to the positive side. But the positive side does not make me feel any better

last Friday I was awarded 3rd place in an international writing competition. Wow!

well my brain tells me that is great, but I just feel nothing, flat..........

i take lots of medication, work hard at alternative activities that SHOULD generate some positive inner response ( cognitive therapy and all

nothing seems to work...

does anything work?

it is all just tiring getting up and moving forward with no real enthusiasm  

[Dexter2748]

Congratulations on your wonderful achievement! That's truly amazing 🙂

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so flat, I can relate though I normally put it down as 'numb though I'm sure our situations are completely different.

I've heard that the medication we often take for our depression/anxiety issues can have the side effect of sadly taking away our natural highs from happy experiences. Sometimes after a great achievement I just get so frustrated with myself because I don't feel anything inside. Almost like my mind and body are totally separate. Does that make any sense to you? Do you feel this also?

I'm very unsure if this post is helpful in any way but I do hope you're feeling better soon. Always remember you are never alone x

[Neil_1]

Hi there iamsotired  

 Woweee … to me, in your tennis game you’ve just served a dozen aces (with regard to your Award for 3rd place in an International Writing Competition).  That is a huge congratulations to you, that is so brilliant.  Have you done much in the writing game before this?    Any books published?      With this award, is this something that you might wish to follow, with regard to possibly writing a book (if you haven’t done this before?)  

With regard to your medications and how you’re feeling … I know this is a common response/question, but when was the last time you’ve been to see your GP or your professional who prescribes you your medications?  If it’s been sometime, particularly with your meds, it just might be time for a review of them?  

But with what you write, you do sound an awful lot like me.  Taking different meds, working hard at doing all the “things they say you should do” to make you feel a bit better or to help combat this illness;  all for the purpose as you say to generate some positive inner responses/feelings.  

And yet each day you sit back and think, well I’ve done all this and I’m still in this shite place. 

So iamsotired, I am unfortunately right now, sitting in the very same boat as you.  So in a way it’s comforting to know that there’s definitely two of us … that’ll make our paddle just that little bit easier.  However, where we’re paddling to is a mystery.  

Again I’d just like to say well done to you for your award … that is such a huge achievement.  

Would love to hear back from you regarding your writing and books, etc etc?  

Kind regards  

Neil

[iamsotired]

Dear Dexter

You are spot on, it is reassuring to read my own thoughts. numb is exactly how I feel. Thank you, I am sorry you have felt this way to, but your post has helped me.

take care

[Jo3]

Hi Iamsotired

Well done in being 3rd in the writing competition.  That's a great achievement.  

I understand what you're saying though with expecting to feel different or better.  I am feeling exactly the same way with my issues.

It's so hard when we take meds and do everything we are meant to do to feel/get better but we aren't.  It's tough because we all want to see some light; to feel different.

It's so damn annoying, frustrating and emotional.

Jo

[iamsotired]

Hi Neil

Thank you thank you here are two of you (Dexter and you ) who unfortunately for you have felt the same as me. It is relief to me that I am not alone, but I am also sorry that you feel as I do.

As far as my writing goes, the adventure is in 'reality ' only 2 years old. I have always been a story teller and have a mind filled with characters that what to be heard.

But, I am dyslexic and my education can be summed up with dunces hats and statements like 'you could try'. I was denied the opportunity to do high grades in written subject because I was told I could not write.

Part of my effort to lift myself out of the pit of hopeless I was in and still trying to crawl out of, was to start something new. I chose to learn/develop a way to provide an avenue for stories that were demanding to be told a platform.

This text I wrote for the competition was an exercise for me to force myself to take a risk and put some of my writing out there. I am finding the result very surreal.

I am in the process of writing a series of stories for 10 to 13 year olds about characters who are different, who don't fit in and they do not understand what is wrong with them to result in this situation. They magically travel to real places in the world, where they have experiences that enrich both their own and the people they come in contact with lives. This is because of their difference, which also means they have gifts that others do not have. I am now looking for a publisher. 

Thank you for your interest and please take care

[Neil_1]

Hi iamsotired,

I've actually just finished responding to Dexter on her thread that she created and I actually responded saying that there's another one of us who has posted (iamsotired) who is in our boat.  As bad as it is, it is comforting to know that there's others out there with the same problems - and that's only an edge of the iceberg of each of our problems.

Wow wow wow, you should be absolutely so totally proud of what you've accomplished ... and I will say it, as you outlined it anyway, considering your background and that you suffer from dyslexia, to have achieved what you've done and are doing ... iamsotired, that is just phenomenal.  I'm shaking my head in awe of you.

That series of stories sounds brilliant ... it really does ... and even in what you've just mentioned to me, it sounds like it would be a movie wanting to happen!   When you described it, it transcended me just in that one paragraph.

I'm now a little confused though ... by you finishing so high up in that competition, are you not able to locate a publisher through that process??  I thought they'd be jumping over themselves trying to get to your next set of stories.

I'm in the process of writing 'my life story' which depicts, obviously my early days (no brainer) and then some life changing incidents that happened to me (and I delve into the three of those heavily) and from that I move into my battle with depression and also my love affair with weightlifting and how I am now into natural bodybuilding competitions each year, which assists me with my depression.  It probably doesn't but I feel that it does.  I've got a fair amount done - oh and there's a few other things as well and I'm quite pleased with it.  It's well, done in my style of writing which I'm told is generally easy to read.  So we'll see what happens there.

I've also completed 16 short stories for children, around the ages of 3-8yo perhaps;  of a boy growing up on a farm and he has two imaginary friends - and it's the story about the adventures that the 3 of them have.  I'm looking for a publisher on this one as well.

Great chatting and hope to speak again soon,

Neil

[Jo3]

Neil,

you are so talent.  You are amazing. 

I'm still 1/3 into my life journey book that I am writing, but don't know where it will go because I'm not sure if it is good.

take care my friend

Jo

[iamsotired]

Thank you for your positive comments, the reality is that it is very difficult to get published. Harry Potter was submitted to about 7 different publishers before one said yes.

All we can do is to keep writing and submitting.

In the writing classes I have attended they say that we should look at our life as fodder for writing. It sounds like this is exactly what we have and are doing.

May the power of words be with us as we keep writing.

Take care fellow story teller

[geoff]

dear Iamsotired, well that's an award that will stick by you forever, a fantastic achievement when you were under the pressure of this illness, so congratulations.

I have to say that this feeling of flatness or lack of euphoria can happen because in the back of our minds being joyful is frightening, only because in depression everything is dull and negative, so if for some reason that we get ourselves up to this top level of being excited, we fear for the drop back into depression, and this fall is like falling off the biggest building in the world, so that's why we just keep an even keel.

I have to say that I haven't been able to get to this highest level yet, and if I am complemented, instead I feel embarrassed, apprehensive for taking the elevator up to the top level, because I fear for this enormous drop. Geoff.