New start and new approach to this year

[HamSolo01]

The last time I made a post in these forums was in 2017. Back then I was probably in the darkest moment of my life since I can remember. I thought that I was beyond help and there was no hope for me going forward.

Here I am in 2021 and I have a job (even though I want to leave to something else), been on a couple of dates, travelled, finished my degree and also made some new friends. I guess these days my woes are different. I've spent a lot of time looking into my past and trying to see if I can get an explanation or reveal some home truths about myself and my experiences.

I have spent time in a psych ward, I've been on differing meds, I've spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've spent some time with mental health charities working with them.

These days I want some new challenges and new things in life - it's hard. I have desires to get a new job and to also go back and study again.

Today has been a quiet australia day - I would've liked to have done something social but that's been hard because i have lost some friends, struggled to make new ones, but on balance I have been trying to re establish contact with other friends from the past.

I dunno what I want in life and I have more questions than answers. But I guess I am here still

I will see my psychologist soon for the first session of the year now that I have a new Mental health care plan.

I am trying to do my best and I get the feeling that it isn't enough maybe.

Yesterday I was very depressed. It's a hard time. That's all. 😕

[ecomama]

Hey Hams

So are you learning anything at the Conference besides "public speaking"? lol.

Hmmm yep, sometimes they may KNOW a lot about a subject but can't "grade" the participants to make sure everyone learns alot and pitched at their level.

How did it all go today?

It's nice to kick back in a motel room sometimes.
Hope you have some nice experiences anyhow.

Sure thing, catch up soon!

EMxxxx

[HamSolo01]

Hi EM
and others here

Just sharing this from before

Had a bit of time this afternoon to process all that happened for the past few days.

The conference was good. It helped me. Now I need to read more about this area of cybersecurity and suss out where I can go with it. At least more than what I think I know atm.

First thing is first. I think I need more time out for myself. To getrid of any distractions and sit and read or type. The past few days afforded me that chance. Sitting on the balcony and having the noise even though there wasn't much of a view and the freedom to sit there and see what I could come up with after processing all that went on was a really beneficial thing for me.

[HamSolo01]

I learned how to enjoy my own company without worrying about what others think and do and say. Simply put, I got to unwind a lot of the bad thought processes that have been dominating my mind. Maybe now I can put them to rest.

Secondly, I am thinking about the conference on Friday itself and what was said and how it ties into where I can go in life and what I should look at to study. we had to do a group program presentation and I was left to speak which I normally don't mind but it seemed like this time around I was bothered by it because people didn't want to help or do it instead. By process of elimination it was me. I had to wing it. I ended up not caring, which bugged me a bit but I don't really know what else to think about it.

Thirdly, going to the beach on my own yesterday gave me the ultimate chance to spread my wings and just enjoy the day with no pressure to be anywhere by any time or anything. Freedom in other words - a bit like when I was away in 2018.

[HamSolo01]

I guess I have known this for some time now, but again it was confirmed - I need to have my own space and my own company is not something I hate. I actually prefer it in some instances - especially if I have had a long day of interacting with other people.

It more or less confirms that I am introverted by nature - I need time to recharge my batteries afterwards.

In regards to my current job well work is work and it is just work. Does not need to be bad or good. All I know is that the people I work with and have spent time with for the past few months have been very supportive of me and can trust me with what is required. This says A LOT about two things - firstly it says that many people i work with CAN'T be trusted for whatever reason

[HamSolo01]

It also says that I am reliable and they like working with me because I just do what is required. There are politics like any other workplacce but I think that in order to rise above work politics one has to be able to do their job well, but with the right attitude. As far as I am concerned, this is more important. My challenge for the next few weeks will be to rise above that stuff and also perform my job and also learn new stuff. It is actually quite difficult to describe what happens at my work because there are layers to it... silly really... but what can I do ?

I started writing letters to my "future self" as a way to reflect on what is happening now and so that I can frame it in a way that may well help me in the future.
I really like the idea of future self being the one I am always talking to - because that is when things begin to make sense.

I have renewed my list of things to do - my little brown book - and it looks better. It was looking a little bit vague beforehand.

Overall, it was a useful period to go away and both chill and investigate potential study options. I suspect I will sleep well this evening.

[HamSolo01]

Hi thread

Yesterday was a bad day. Another one at my current job. What's new about that right?

At about 3pm i felt very bad like i needed to go to the hispital. Fortunately, I had a psych appointment booked in last night so I was more than happy to not go to hospital and speak to my psych about the thoughts i was having

At about 3pm i got word about an opportunity from a recruiter. Fortunately, it came to me on a day where I was feeling useless like no one would hire me.I will wait and see whata happens with that opportunity. But I know for a fact that where i am now is not where i want to be forever and i have known that truth for quite some time now.,

So i brought this up with my psych along with everything else that has been going on for me in the past month.

I can only see my psych every month as he is always booked out. I'm okay with that.

I also spoke to him about my experiences in Adelaide. Particularly when I was at the beach and taking what i call 'maximum chill time'.

I have also started to take the time to write letters to my future self. I like this idea very much. It will give me a chance to process everything that is going on in my mind and life at the stages i am at. Maybe one day I can look back on them.

Today I will meet an old friend for dinner provided that the plans don't change again lol

Life is at a strange crossroads for me.

[ecomama]

Hey Hams

Those sound like really productive thought processes and experiences!

Lots of wisdom in there lol.

I love your letters to your future self idea.

I've done that in reverse time for myself since I was little, maybe 8-10yo.
Then taught my kids how to do it, but they need or use it alot less than I have! lol.

So I began it this way and just continued this way.
IDK why my 'future self' is always in the top corner of a room, I'd have to ask my 8yo self lol!

But I ask my 10 years older self WHAT I need to do right now, what is the BEST decision for me to make right now.
I also ask how she's feeling because she's ALWAYS SMILING at me!
And kind, and considerate and understanding.

But she's a straight shooter lol.
She'll tell me things I might not want to hear nor face up to.

The funny thing is that WHEN I've taken her advice, it's worked out every single time for the better.

Hams, we do need others because we're tribal by nature.
But the other very important thing is that we are "alone" with ourselves our entire lives.
So empowering that human being, meaning ourselves, is really the most important work we can do over our lives.

You're coming into this now... knowing what you need, knowing who you ARE.
"Know thyself" cannot be over emphasised.

Hey my workplace is wrought with politics and tbh it can still take me by surprise lol!!
I doubt there's a workplace that isn't.
Hopefully the group can still be productive and work together.

WHEN you find colleagues or a work situation devoid of small time garbage and RICH with positivity and rising to new challenges TOGETHER, truly appreciating each person in the group, well magic happens.
Synergy in the workplace and even within relationships CAN happen.

Just like that feeling you had when you swam in the ocean, this synergy is FREEING and in those times, marvellous things can be achieved.

I think you're on the right track!

EMxxxx

[HamSolo01]

Hi EM

Thanks so much for your positive message

I agree with you on everything you said. You know this week I have a job interview. Not for the thing I mentioned in a previous post here, but for something I applied for about a month ago. They rang yesterday and I booked in the interview. Will see how that goes, but it was reassuring to get THAT news on top of the recruiter ringing me up and telling me about that other thing.

Things look slightly better from here. I wrote another letter to myself this morning too.

Yeah - I want to stay on this path

I have also been speaking to a girl I went on a date with about 3 years ago as I still had her number. I played it cool like I didn't know who she was lol. Hopefully we will meet soon again. Idk - as Shakespeare said, all is fair in love and war.

I remember writing the phrase "work is work and it's only work" when I wrote another short letter to myself when I was in Adelaide. That's all it is. Nothing more.

I can see myself moving on from my current role soon I hope - patience and fortitude of mind and spirit I think are needed. Even if that means I have a cheeky sneak at job ads at work * lol *

Anyways. I have a relatively calm weekend planned - seeing some uni friends again haven't seen since halloween 2019. 2020 was a royal screw up wasn't it?

Atm I am lsitening to chillhop music, which really calming.

Will check in later on today maybe... after i am off this cloud lol

[ecomama]

Hey Hams, you can STAY on that cloud for as long as you wish!

Why not hey?

What positive news. Mostly about your developing and changing perspective I think.
I love your strategies!

YEARS ago, like IDK maybe almost 3 decades?? Can't remember, I bought a book called "Don't sweat the small stuff (at work); and it's all small stuff", I can get the author if you like?
BECAUSE all these years later I STILL have the daily calendar on my desk at work.
I think it's 10yo lol!
I read the one for today but already forgot it, it just assimilates into me now.

Like "I've got this!"

Are you going to ask that girl on a SECOND date? LOL!
3 years apart even?
Is she in a relationship?
Or are you guys only in the "friends zone"... funny thing I read years ago, that women think they can be in the friend zone with a man but the man doesn't actually think that way.
IDK, what do you think?

2020 hmmm personally I reacted to the death toll around the world pretty severely and the news etc. My anxiety sky rocketed due to loved ones being in really dangerous situations esp my boyfriend in the U.S.

I mean I've had to "get used to" the high risks he faces every day he works.
Add Covid then I wasn't too good all over again.

But it led me to BB and the forums.
I'd decided to get some intensive individualised therapy for C-PTSD.
AND DO STACKS of "work" of my own volition through research and tons of reading.

I'm deeply grateful to still be here tbh.

I didn't want Covid to worsen my mental health.
I kind of used the time (I took lots of leave) to repair, recover from C-PTSD and rejuvenate our home.
Instead of hoarding anything lol, I SPENT all my savings!

So Covid in a way was a springboard for my mental HEALTH.

WOW YOU ROCK!
Fancy getting so many positive responses to your work!

So are you talking about getting more of a work / life balance, even mentally?

My kids usurp my non working life, but tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.
In a "minute" they'll be gone and I'll miss them to Billeo!
So I'm trying to be present and "be there" for them while they still want me to be in their lives.

Just treasuring every moment.
They're ALL at work again tonight lol.
Just me and the dog, cat and chickens.

EMxxxx

[HamSolo01]

Hi thread

Tomorrow is the 3rd Monday in a row that I have been dreading. A trend perhaps?

I am taking the path of least resistance. Go where they say - bar 1 exception which is where bad things happened last time. Nothing can be done about that and if they send me there I politely remind them what happened last time and that they have an obligation to uphold.

So yeah that's my approach to work. I don't care for any of it so why kick up.

My colleague was happy to provide a reference and she was understanding - good.

My catch up/date from last week said she wasn't interested in dating as its been a while. I'm okay with that. I am happy to let that go. But it was nice to explore if anything could transpire after losing contact after 2 years. Life is funny like that isn't it.

I believe I am looking for more atm - not in just a relationship context, but in a life context. I need a new job that's clear. I need to get the ball rolling on study- which is dependent on getting a new full time job. Lots going on.

I am happy to date around. See what happens. Its what you have to do.

My friend today told me that he recently ended a relationship because his ex gf father was too controlling.

People are curious creatures and I see this all the time at work both with the people there and colleagues.

Atm I am bbqing some chicken and putting it on a pizza.

Its quiet and cool atm. A good time for reflection methinks.

I hope to sleep well this evening