New start and new approach to this year

[HamSolo01]

The last time I made a post in these forums was in 2017. Back then I was probably in the darkest moment of my life since I can remember. I thought that I was beyond help and there was no hope for me going forward.

Here I am in 2021 and I have a job (even though I want to leave to something else), been on a couple of dates, travelled, finished my degree and also made some new friends. I guess these days my woes are different. I've spent a lot of time looking into my past and trying to see if I can get an explanation or reveal some home truths about myself and my experiences.

I have spent time in a psych ward, I've been on differing meds, I've spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've spent some time with mental health charities working with them.

These days I want some new challenges and new things in life - it's hard. I have desires to get a new job and to also go back and study again.

Today has been a quiet australia day - I would've liked to have done something social but that's been hard because i have lost some friends, struggled to make new ones, but on balance I have been trying to re establish contact with other friends from the past.

I dunno what I want in life and I have more questions than answers. But I guess I am here still

I will see my psychologist soon for the first session of the year now that I have a new Mental health care plan.

I am trying to do my best and I get the feeling that it isn't enough maybe.

Yesterday I was very depressed. It's a hard time. That's all. 😕

[canonwart]

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[HamSolo01]

1) Uni starts back today. The structure is after hours classes and I am super unsure of how they will manage with that. I have to set my expectations a bit lower and hopefully they surprise me in a nice way. but overall I am looking forward to getting back into study. I am doing a data and information management subject which will be using the same side of my brain as I am using with this job I am in atm. I expect there will be a lot of reading as well. I heard last semester that the lecturer is not good - well I'll have to wait and see. Plus I will only have a short period of time with him as this term has been shortened by the institute due to class structure changes. Lol.

2) Job. It ends in October and covid is making everyone super nervous. I don't want to distract myself with bad thinking and bad situations that will come up in October. My plan is to actively start looking in late August and early september when the majority of the work is done. After that month a lot of what we do will be feedback and loops associated with that. But the experience is what I am learning from. People are stressed out and when that happens they get affected. Best thing to do is to just do what I need to do.

3) Internship. It looks increasingly like I won't be carrying on after early August. I expect by then I will be shut out of the system because they are bring onboard 2 new people. I'm okay with that - I just worry that my time with them wasn't as well spent as it could be. but then this is the nature of what they do - which is very niche. I guess again from the experiential side of things it is far better. I have learned a lot about myself, what I am capable of, where I can go and I also now have a reference from an international employer. that's gotta count for something

4) Life. I guess lockdown has been hard on me. harder than I thought. At the time I didn't think much of it at all and I was probably a bit too ignorant of the effects of it on me. I have grown tired of the whole process of lockdowns, case numbers, clusters, vaccines. My priority is to get vaccinated. That's all I can do. Everything else is on everyone else. I am over the politics and all that.
the social aspect of life took a nosedive as a result of the lockdown but I am in good company in that regard. Onwards and upwards. I was really looking forward to going to a new meetup group (that did not involve alcohol) and going on a hike but that didn't come about due to the lockdown. Point is, there is an opportunity in that. Look to the future.

5) Self development. I am trying my best to grow as a person and I have recently found some helpful podcasts, interesting things to read and just some good music that is healing for me. In terms of self development, I have read about mimetic desires. It's the idea that we desire and want things because other people have them - it means i am able to ask myself if I really want something or that I just want it because society expects it of me.

See you around