Need help

[laura86]

Hi everyone,   

I’m new to sharing here but really needed to reach out for help.   

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for many years now and am currently in a massive low period. I recently left a horrible workplace for a better job- this is a good thing and I am proud of myself for moving on. However I now work for a very small business and don’t have anyone to really talk to on a day-to-day level and this had effected me more than I thought it would. I feel as though I have lost most of the friends I had despite trying to keep in contact and everyone else seems to be overseas, away with work or just too busy.   

A couple of weeks ago I had a big meltdown while

I was home alone.  For the first time in years those truly dark thoughts came back where I couldn’t control my pain and emptiness and thought seriously about taking my life.  The worst part was having no one to reach out to. I felt totally alone and worthless. Although those really bad suicidalfeelings are not as strong I wake up every day with horrible anxiety and sadness. I often don’t know how I’ll get through the day at work and cry whenever I’m alone.      

Since then my partner has come home from his business trip and has been really supportive even though I’m just

sad all the time. I just wish it was over but I feel like it is just getting worse every day.  I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist and in my local area there isn’t like a community-based service that is cheaper. I suppose I feel lost, alone and desperate.     

Anyway, I thought I should try to reach out here and see what happens. 

Thank you for listening and for your support   

Laura

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[laura86]

Hi all,

I just wanted to touch base with everything this morning. I'm actually feeling not bad today- I'm not sure why exactly but I'm sure all your amazing advice is starting to sink in and maybe my meds are starting to work too. 

Tomorrow (or even later today) may very well turn into a downer but for now I'm feeling ok, looking forward to lunch for the first time in days and am managing my anxiety as best I can. 

I hope everyone is ok and I'll speak to you soon

xx

[Jacko777]

Good to hear you are feeling okay Laura. Keep on keeping on! Did you get some meditations to do? There is lots of stuff on Youtube too if you want to put your headphones on and meditate.

[Doolhof]

Hi Laura,

 That is excellent news! May the force of wellness continue with you, and if it doesn't and you hit a bit of a bump on the road, just dust your self off and try again.

We all have days which aren't so great now and then, so pleased to read a good day has come your way.

We are all here to support each other when the going is tough and ever so thrilled to congratulate you when the going is good.

Cheers for now, from Dools

[laura86]

Hi All,

I hope everyone is having a good week and has great plans for the weekend.

I woke up today feeling pretty grumpy and my anxiety has set in. I sometimes feel like it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back but I know we all feel like this at times. 

My dad and family came home from Europe last night so it was great to see them. and get to talk to them. It was a bit difficult listening to them regaling their happy summer holiday tales when I've been here not feeling the best. I know that is so incredibly selfish but who wouldn't be jealous of 5 weeks in European sunshine?! lol

My friend messaged me and said he was still coming to the ball with me which I suppose is a good thing. I'm taking all your advice and backing off the contact for a while. I know I get too clingy and needy when I'm feeling low. I just feel lonely sometimes and end up put too much pressure on people to help me. 

I've been trying to reach out to other friends that I haven't seen in a long time just to catch up for coffee and laughs. So far so good, I'm seeing a couple of people this weekend.

Anyway I hope everyone is ok and having a good week.

Laura

xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Laura,

Thanks for wishing us all a good week. We all have days where we don't feel so crash hot, the thing is to not punish yourself for it, but to try to move on through the day the best way you can.

I can understand the feelings of being a little envious and jealous of the wonderful time your family had in Europe. I think that is only a normal reaction as well, it is when we act negatively on those actions and start to take our frustration and disappointment out on ourselves and others that our thoughts become unhealthy.

My bestest ever friend is married to a lovely lady, but I still wonder "what if" sometimes and feel like I let him slip out of my life when we were younger and think how life could be if I was with him and not her. Not a very healthy way of thinking at all! They are presently on holidays and show a lot of pictures on Facebook. Some days this upsets me, so I need to get back on track and be thankful for everything I do have in my life.

I'm pleased your friend is till going to ball with you, that is excellent news. One step at the time, he is still your friend and wants to spend time with you, so that is great.

Good on you for reaching out to other friends as well. I have done the same thing and will be catching up with a girl friend tomorrow for a coffee and chat in a delightful plant nursery. I'm going to invite some other friends over for dinner next week as well.

Wishing you all the best for Friday and the weekend!

Cheers for now, From Dools

[laura86]

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted here in a few days. I feel like I'm descending into a dark place and haven't been doing so well. I feel very alone even when I'm around people and really don't look forward to things anymore. 

I'm considering going to a mental health support group tonight because I feel like I can't shake these horrible feelings. I woke up today with terrible anxiety and just lay in bed praying. I can't stand the thought of having to be at work all day but at the same time being at home by myself would be so much worse. I have called the BB help line and the person I spoke to was very nice. But I guess they can't fix my problems and they can't take these feelings away. I feel like my body is dying from the inside out, like I'm shutting off from the world and giving up. It's as though the only feelings I've had in the past couple of weeks are sad ones. 

I don't know, I just feel hopeless and like giving up lately.  Everything just makes me feel sad

[Neil_1]

Dear Laura

Thank you for coming and posting this post.  I say thank you because it’s really awesome and brave of you to open up like this.  Please please, keep doing this – these are things that need to be aired and let out of ourselves.  Take the weight off your shoulders and post away.

You’ve done positives even in your above post.  You said you just lay in bed for a long time – but it appears you DID get up – you DID get ready for work and it seems that you are at work.  You also phoned BB and chatted.    Laura, my friend, I’m just acknowledging all this because you DID it.  It might not seem much to some people, but when we’re in the lowest of low places, just to be made aware of some things, can be a boost.  You should be damn proud of yourself for that.

Not sure how long you’re at work for, but is there any chance of getting off early?   Or indeed when you do finish, is it possible to go to a place (not home straight away), but to go to a place that you feel comfortable in;  a kind of picturesque kind of place – somewhere by the water, or up higher with views, or a lake, a park – maybe you already know of a place.  Just to go there for a while and just sit and watch.  Look out for birds – and possibly any other animals.  Just something that looks nice to occupy yourself, even if it be for a short time.

Also, if you’re able to get along to that support group tonight, that would be HUGE for you.

Don’t give up;  don’t shut down or shut off.  The world needs you Laura.  We NEED you.

Neil

[laura86]

Hi Neil,

Thank you so much for your post- you're so kind. Really, you are such a good person.

Right now I don't feel very brave. I feel like the only reason I get out of bed is because if I stay at home alone I'll break down again. I think though I will go to that group tonight, just to see what it's like. I just wish I could start feeling better. My poor partner has been so nice about everything, I'm sure he'll get sick of my sadness soon though. He has offered to come with me tonight but I think I'll just go alone. There's no obligation to talk at these meetings so at least if I want to I can just listen. I'll let you know how I go if I end up going tonight.

There are some places I can go after work, I'm just worried I'll just start crying and embarrass myself. I feel particularly weepy today.  Thankfully my boss can't see my face while I work because I've had tears running down my face all day. I will however go to the park at lunch time today and sit by the river- who knows, it might just help.

I'm seeing my spiritual healer/hynotherapist this Thursday as well so maybe she has some ways I can start healing myself. I've only seen her once before so I'm still a bit closed when I talk to her. Again, I'm worried I'll lose it and start crying in front of her- I don't like to do that in front of strangers if I can help it.

Again Neil, thank you so much for your kindness- you are truly amazing and we're so lucky to have you here. 

I'll let you know how I get on.

Lots of love,

Laura

xx 

[Neil_1]

Dear Laura

A bit of light-heartedness to start with:   my suggestion is to get your crying over and done with before you see your therapist – otherwise, she’ll be charging you to provide tissues.  🙂

I was going to ask about your partner before – he sounds like an absolute champion.  Offering to go along tonight.  That’s really awesome to hear.  And that must be a huge load off for you as well – just to know that he’s got your back in this situation.  It actually pleases me so much to read that.

Also I was going to suggest that for tonight, that whoever runs it or convenes it, if you could go to them beforehand and let them know that you’d love to sit in, but if your role tonight could be just the silent viewer/watcher.  So that’s good that you’ve already addressed that.  Also, not sure for how long they go for – but perhaps to mention something beforehand, so it might give you an “out” if you start to feeling too overwhelmed, even just in a silent role.  Sometimes things can just get to you – so if you’re able to just up and leave, I’m sure that’d be fine.

Oh, how awesome that’d be to be where your boss can’t see you.  🙂  🙂

But here again Laura, you’ve excelled.  You’re in a low low place and yet, you’re at work and YES you are being brave.  I know you think not, but you are.  The black dog is at your heels, but you’re stepping forward, trying to outrun the mutt.  Keep moving forward Laura.

That sounds great about your upcoming appointment this Thursday.  With things like this, I always find it kind of comforting to know that something is coming up during the week.  Something to hopefully assist.  Some little goal to work towards.

Hang in there lovely lady – there’ll also be others here in no time for you as well.  🙂

Neil

[Doolhof]

Dear Laura,

Hi. I have recently returned home from work and started to look through the posts here on BB and found yours. I'd like to say that I agree with Neil, you have shown great determination and courage to keep going and to put one foot in front of the other.

I am so pleased you are able to connect with people here who really care and are supportive, acknowledging your suffering and hurt and offering advice and encouragement. We all need help some times. We all have some days where we feel like it is difficult to get out of bed and get going, so good on you for having the strength to keep going.

Neil mentioned a few idea of places you can physically go to when you need to get away, experience some piece and beauty in your life, it is wonderful you have somewhere to go.

During a visualisation/meditation session I had many years ago in a group, we were all instructed by the leader to close our eyes and to think of a peaceful place we would like to visit. It didn't have to be a real place, it could be something your mind thought up. I was sure I would think about the beach, but no, my mind came up with a pond at the bottom of a waterfall. The idea is that on occasions when you can not physically go to a peaceful place, you can do so in your mind.

When I first started this technique I would tell my husband I was needing to do my visualisation/ meditation quite often because IO really liked the feeling of the peace and tranquillity of my special place.

I do hope you are able to attend the group tonight. I will be interested to learn how it went if you do attend. Once again Neil has given you some great idea on how to get the most out of the evening.

Remember that small steps are better than taking no steps at all! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I have found encouragement through your determination to continue and to seek further ways of helping yourself through this rough patch. Well done!

Keep us posted on how you are going. We are here for you, keep up the great work. Cheers to you, from Dools