Hi. I've posted on here before, and I thought I may of been getting
better.. But I was wrong. Just to recap, I never really had my mother.
She left when I was around 4, so that left me with my father. When I was
around 8, he molested me. Took me unti...
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Hi. I've posted on here before, and I thought I may of been getting
better.. But I was wrong. Just to recap, I never really had my mother.
She left when I was around 4, so that left me with my father. When I was
around 8, he molested me. Took me until about 2 months to tell somebody,
and that turned out to be my guidance counsellor. I moved out pretty
much straight away. Even though I had been living with it for years,
when it was out in the open it proved to be too much for me. I stayed
with my aunt (his sister) for a while. As I grew up, she was the closest
thing I had to a mother figure, so I turned to her. But about 3 weeks
ago, I made the decision to 'visit' my mother. This turned into me
moving in. I had previously lived with her for about a year 13 or 14
months ago. I left though because I was really unhappy. Now, I'm sitting
here in my bedroom, unhappy as ever. I tried taking an SNRI for a while,
but the symptoms were too hard on me. Made me have to miss several days
of school, and me being in my second last year of schooling, it didn't
work out. So, based on my new doctor's suggestion, and my mum's, I got
off them. I feel really bad now though. I have for weeks. I've been off
them pretty much since I arrived here to live with my mum.. I'm having
increasingly bad suicidal thoughts. I go into detail with my thoughts. I
envision afterwards, how my family would react. Sometimes it doesn't
bother me how they would see it. At least the pain would be over.
Selfish, I know. But at the same time, wouldn't my family be just as
selfish, expecting me to go through pain just to please them? I
shouldn't look at it that way, i know... I guess what I'm asking for is
help. Last time I felt like this was 2 years ago. The way I dealt with
that was by self harm, smoking, drinking, chroming, drugs. Running away,
the whole lot. This time around, the only thing that's stuck is the
self-harm. I've stopped recently, but I'm afraid if it doesn't get
better, I'll start again. To be honest, I'm thinking of suicide more and
more often. I feel as if I'm drowning, slowly. I feel like I'm
screaming, and that no one can hear me. Dramatic I guess. But it's the
only way I can describe it. I'm 16, and I don't want to feel like this
anymore. I feel as if I don't get 'more' help soon, I''ll end up
snapping. In a really bad way. Before I moved, I was seeing two
counsellors. Now I'm seeing pretty much, 3 doctors, arranging to see
both a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I don't want to turn down a bad
path.. I DO want a future, with a good career, a husband, kids, the lot.
I don't want to mess that up based on how I'm feeling now. It's just,
this bad mood, this sadness, has been constant for the past 2 weeks. I
swear, I can't get a break. I hate it. For those who have bothered
reading this, thankyou. x