Since I was 14 I have battled with depression. It seems to be mostly
seasonal and most of the time I have been able to live quite
successfully despite at times feeling completely flat. At the worst
times I have had temporary relief with medication an...
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Since I was 14 I have battled with depression. It seems to be mostly
seasonal and most of the time I have been able to live quite
successfully despite at times feeling completely flat. At the worst
times I have had temporary relief with medication and counselling. In
January 2012 I left my home country and moved to Australia. After a few
months of severe homesickness I finally felt good about what I'd
achieved. I have a great job, a nice little house that I rent, an
amazing partner of five years and I'm finally starting to make friends,
though I'm still finding it hard to open up too much or let myself get
close with anyone in particular. My partner has been my rock since
moving here and our relationship has grown immensely in the last two
years. At the start of this year I experienced panic attacks for the
first time. The attacks came primarily at night, I would find my mind
flooded with thoughts of a world riddled with war, famine, destroyed
natural environment, disease, drought and poverty. All I could think
about was how and when I would lose everything I have worked so hard
for, how my partner might drop dead and leave me alone in a strange
place, how my whole family would die all at once or how I might lose
control of my mind completely and end up in a padded cell. My thoughts
were of nothing specific in the long term, any scenario that could come
to mind would and I found myself unable to sleep, breath or keep myself
together. With the help of a psychologist I learned relaxation
techniques and soon I was without panic attacks. A couple of months back
I was feeling good. I was about to start taking dance lessons with
friends, we were all looking forward to having a laugh and meeting new
people. Halfway through the class the familiar feeling came back, my
chest tightened, my vision blurred, I couldn't breath properly and I
felt like I would collapse. I ran outside and was found later on in
tears by my partner and friends. The next week another attack hit before
class, so I never went back. Since then, any scenario out of my normal
routine has caused the same reaction. I cannot even go on my friends
boat, and I was partly raised on the water! Now I am worn out. I have
difficulty concentrating at work, I am constantly tired, I have no
motivation to exercise when before all this I was well on my way to
being able to run for half an hour non stop for the first time in my
life. I feel I have little control over my thoughts and I am scared to
make the most basic decisions. I cannot trust my own judgements anymore
and I forget things easily. Depression is once again taking over and I
fear I don't have what it takes to beat both depression and anxiety. My
biggest worry is that even if I do get better it will again only be for
a short time. I am seeing a psychologist who is again taking me through
CBT training (for the third time in my life) but none of it seems to
stick. I can feel myself getting worse day by day and I don't know what
to do about it, or if I am capable of doing anything about it! I am
tired of fighting, it's all getting too much, I just want peace.