SOS

[Girl_Anachronism]

So this year has been pretty terrible for me.

This was due to a combination of :

• losing my job midway through the year when I suffered from gall stones, got initially misdiagnosed and ended up having to go into emergency surgery to have my gallbladder completely removed;
• ongoing medical complications which lead to me not being well for months afterward;
• both myself and my husband having no job of  the same past few months resulting in centrelink payments which can cover rent and food but not internet bills, car rego or electricity;

• losing my passion for studying my uni degree which transformed me from Distinction level student who did all the extra reading and research for projects to someone who couldn't care that i did an assignment half assed or when times got really dark, not handing in assignments at all
• failing both units in both semesters this year
• a rocky relationship with my husband as i lied to him about failing units leading to almost divorce (not that either of us could afford to separate- one of us can't keep up the rent payments)

...and the biggest elephant in the room, finding out early in the year that my father sexually abused both my older sisters between the ages of 12 to 24 and I never knew. I don't know how I didn't notice but I am now looking at all the times i can't remember anything about my childhood- memory gaps with a new light. Conversations I thought strange but shrugged off now seem to make sense.

When I was in my teens, facing the TEE and a verbally and emotionally abusive father I struggled with depression and suicidal tendancies. I fought my way out somehow. I told myself I would never go back again. Turns out I lied to myself aswell. THis year....I still fight every day to stay here. For years I haven't felt this emotionally void and yet out of control. I feel like there is a glass wall between me and anything I touch, watch or read. I acknowledge what a reasonable person would feel but feel...nothing.

To this end I broke my silence on it and talked to both my counsellor at University and my GP. I have been started on antidepressants for the first time in my life, three weeks in now. I can no longer access the counsellor as I am notattending University next year. I can't afford to see anyone expensive. I have an appointment with someone free in the New Year but they had nothing available before Christmas.

I just don't know if i can hold it together until then. Everyday is so hard. I  am back in that dark place again but I don't know if I will be able to pull myself back from the edge.

So this is me. Calling for help.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA  

Whoa, that’s some heavy issues that you’ve had to deal with and continue to deal with.  And it’s so great that you have broken your silence on it all … the bottling up effect can be devastating. 

It is good that you’ve been able to find someone available, albeit in the New Year … getting something over the Christmas period is, as you’ve experienced, very difficult.  Hang on to that appointment and even prepare for it if you think that would be something good to do … prepare to the point of jotting down on a piece of paper some of the issues that you’d like to raise and discuss.  That might help so that you don’t forget something and think later, “Oh bugger it, I should have mentioned that as well”.  

Is it not possible for your GP to possibly recommend a psyche for you through doing a mental health plan?  I guess though, that they don’t always come cheaply, but there might be some that either bulk bill or that you can get a decent portion of it back via Medicare??  

There are some great people on this site … and I hope you can get some further advice from others … I hope I’ve started the ball rolling for you.  

Please do get back to us at any stage with how you’re feeling and coping. 

This is an extremely important matter and I am concerned for you when you wrote those 3 words, “Calling for help”.  

Cheers  

Neil  

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi  Neil,

First of all thankyou for replying. It's nice to hear more than my own echo when I call out in a dark room.

If I make it to New Year, given we are hosting Christmas dinner with my now fractured family, my wedding anniversary on January 2nd and my husbands birthday on january 6th; I intend to go to that appointment. I am dreading having to tell the whole story all over again to someone new. I sort of wish they would magically know everything that's been going on so I didn't have to verbalise it but that's not possible.

My GP talked about a mental health plan and referrals but wants to wait a couple more weeks on the medication. I have an appointment to see him the week after the psych.

As for how I am feeling and coping, the answer is I'm not. I haven't been sleeping well when i can get to sleep lately, and then oversleeping during the day when I am utterly exhausted. I was up until 5am after this post because I couldn't sleep. After a few hours sleep this morning my greatest achievement is doing the dishes. My day is no less dark than my night.

Tonight may be another sleeepless one.

Part of me knows I should fight this. It keeps saying "Just one more day." Normally I can listen to that voice but after the rollercoaster ride that was this year, I am so tired. When I think of the family events and stress I am going to have to go through, to pretend everything is ok for all of them; I just freeze. I'm going to have to get through that to get to January and help. Right now, I don't think that I can.

I just want it to stop. I don't know if I can stomach another day of this.

GA

[Chris D]

Hi GA,

Sorry to hear that you have had to deal with all of those things, in particular regarding your father and older sisters. I don't reply much mainly out of fear of saying the wrong things or not understanding the individuals situation in which they have or are experiencing.

I don't know what else to say.

I will say this though. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family that things will get better, it will take time to consume what your father did to your siblings.

I will always be in your corner ready to pick you up when you fall, ready to give advice, encouragement when you most need it and ready to help you win your own personal battle.

Kind Regards

Chris

[Neil_1]

Hey GA

Create a HUGE tick for yourself, as you DID achieve something today ... and I don't care what it was, it was the fact that you.  But you sell yourself short, because you've come on here and to write out another post.  That takes effort, that takes huge effort.

I so hope that you can find some rest tonight and get some valuable sleep.

Keep listening to the part that wishes to fight ... they know what they're talking about.  You can get through this ...

Hey, do you have someone who you might be able to confide in?  By the sound of it, family might not be available?  What about a friend that you may feel ok in telling how you are.  This is important, cause you're in a very nasty place at the moment and you really need some kind of close assistance.

If none of that strikes any postiveness, I say to hell with what the GP said about waiting a while ... I say get back there and let them know EXACTLY how you're feeling.  This is too important to wait on ... YOU'RE too important to be held up with getting help.  I feel you screaming out ... I'm hearing you ... as I'm sure are many others on this wonderful site.

Please come back to us here GA ... and I hope some of my above waffle has made some sense.

Cheers

Neil

[geoff]

dear GA, I can only say how deeply sorry I am for you, as so much has happened none of which has been much good.

I'm pleased that while I sleep there are people still carrying the forth and looking after you all.

There have been and still happening so many issues that are keeping you in a depressed state.

Your father is a total disgrace to the family and how dare he physically abuse your sisters, his daughters, to the point of being a sexually crazed father, who took every advantage he possibly could have, and still he could be reported to the police, however this may cause a greater strain on yourself, your sisters and the marriage, so it's a decision that has to be weighed up.

Just regressing at the moment, I am sure that he has messed up your sisters lives and I would think that they too would suffering as well.

I tend to believe that you are protecting yourself by telling a couple of little white lies, which is understandable, but you just have to be careful as your marriage seems to be on shaky ground, sorry, just saying.

Can I suggest that you print out what you have posted, because telling your story over and over time and time again, is always tedious, and it gets so frustrating, and you don't need any of this, you need support from those that care.

I am worried for you about the Xmas functions and in January, because at the moment your coping ability is not how you would like it to be, because your struggling for some strength and every corner you turn there's always a problem that is causing your depression.

Can I also suggest that you make a list of 3 or 4 psychologists and perhaps book an appointment with them, you can always cancel them, but I just want you to find someone who you can relate to, as this is the primary concern.

I am only mentioning this because it's important that you get the best psych who can help you, and please keep in contact with us, especially over this period.  L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thankyou for all your replies.

Another day, another 3am.

If it were up to me he would be in a cell for the rest of his life. I would personally put pictures on every street pole i came across, decrying the monster he is. Despite being a very private person, I would go through the trauma of a court case and possible media. However as my sisters were the ones affected, I decided that they should decide whether or not to do that, and if they decided to then only when they were ready. I would support them whatever way I could.

Understand I am not angry at them for deciding not to, I can only imagine what hell they have been through. Most of the year though, he was available  if they changed their mind. As of a couple weeks ago he fled the country when he found out that the rest of the family knew.

I hadn't lied to my husband about anything else. I just felt so ashamed that there he was, working ( this was earlier in the year when he still had a job) so that I could go to uni full time and finish my degree sooner after moving universities. There I was, unable to force myself to lift a finger towards my studies. Not because I didn't have the time or materials. Because I'm a terrible person who was too weak even to do that.

Obviously I told him what happened, on the advice of my counsellor at the time. There were some very dark days where he was too angry to even speak to me. We agreed to try work it out but the trust is gone.

If my marraige fails over this then I only blame myself. It's entirely my fault and he's better off without me. At this point, with everything else so screwed up, it would be just one more blow. Soon it won't even matter.

I couldn't complete my studies for myself or him.

I couldn't work.
I wasn't smart enough to notice what my father was doing.
I couldn't protect my sisters from him.

What use am I, if I can't do any of that?

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Thank you for getting back to us ... and I know that it is exhausting to be telling the story over and over again, I think Geoff's advice to print out the posts that you've made here and take them along to your counsellor is brilliant.  Firstly it stops you from re-telling it all, but what you've written above is blow by blow accounts and straight from your inner self.  That will give valuable assistance to your counsellor to try and hopefully breakdown and work with you about it.

I'm going to try and put this out there ... is there any way that perhaps you could get in touch with your sisters (or just one of them) to talk.  I don't know your relationship with your sisters, but if it's an ok one, that could be something that might be worth pursuing very soon.  I also realise that you aren't angry with your sisters, but if you can please, just take a step outside of your body and look back.  Look back ... you were their younger sister.  You said it commenced when they were 12.  So you're 11 or younger.  I believe there is NO WAY that an innocent young child should ever be able to pick up on something so terribly awful as this.  Children of that age shouldn't have to.  You are in no way to blame yourself for not picking up on something like this.  If you can take one positive out of my message, please try and say to yourself that you were not & are not to blame ... not for not noticing and not for not protecting.  You were just a child yourself.  I have just tried to help out here, and I sure as hell hope I haven't made anything worse for you.

GA, I'm really concerned for you ... are you able to please get back to your GP or even to contact BB about how your feeling.

I really want to help, but over this medium it's difficult to say the right things and I also don't want to feel like I'm pressuring or badgering you about this.

Please take care ...

Neil

[geoff]

dear GA, your post is a concerning one indeed, but Neil has made some good points.

At the age of 11 and your sisters were obviously older, maybe they were trying to hide the fact that your father did what he did, and hoping that he wouldn't do the same to you.

Physical abuse I detest and when it's incest there is only one direction this should go, and I know that you know what I mean.

It has affected you all, and I am wondering on whether your mum knew as you haven't mentioned her.

My other concern is that now he has fled the country that his unlawful ventures will definitely wander elsewhere, and it would be an easy option to do so.

I'm sorry GA this reply seems to be all about this man, I certainly wouldn't call him my dad, and your post is one that needs to be addressed, and I will do it on another reply. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thank you for trying, all of you.

I am sorry I couldn't be stronger like you all are.

GA