The Reality of Hope

[Suzbj]

Hope is often lost in the worst yards of depression. When hope is lost and feelings no longer matter or exist - it is such a dark time. That is the place where some people give up. But what it actually is, is the dark before the dawn. When you get to that place, be excited, something great and revealing is up ahead. The dark before the dawn is such a profound place to be. There is some break-through imminent if you just hold on!!!! 

For me, this is the first Christmas I don't feel alone, even though I literally am re family. It is how I SEE myself and ME belonging to ME that matters. I, for the first time ever in my life since 5yo feel good in my skin. So the relationship we most need to be well with, is the relationship we have with ourselves. Does that make sense?

Love you all,

Thinking of you all

My love to  you all

Suz xxx

[Jo3]

Hi Suz

That was a really nice message.  To be able to feel ok with yourself is so good, I understand what you're saying.

Suz, I'm watching the xmas carols and i can't hide my sadness anymore.  I am sitting here with the family and all i can think of is my dad that i can't see.  Tears rolling down my face, I wasn't going to think of negative things tonight or tomorrow but it's already happening.

Certain songs are really triggering my emotions. I feel scared, alone (even though i have my children and hubby) but i can't work it out - why? why do i have to feel like this?

Not only was I abandoned by my parents 3 yrs ago but now my sister has abandoned me (the only sister that spoke to me).

So i have no family, im a nobody, Again i can feel the anxiety building up, the tears are coming more and more. When will the tears stop? The build up is not good,

Sorry Suz, I have just ruined your beautiful post,

 Jo xx

[Suzbj]

Hi Jo,  

You haven’t ruined my post at all! I get what you are saying and feeling. Part of being happy in your own skin, I am learning, is being just who you are, in the space you are in, with how you are feeling without beating yourself up for it! I hope you had a great Christmas yesterday. 

Cheers Susan xx   

[Jo3]

Hi Suz

You know being happy in your own skin is really confronting and difficult.  I find it very hard to love myself, let alone be happy with myself. And maybe once that happens then I would be able to let go and live my life. I don't think I have ever been happy in my own skin.

My Christmas Day started off very lonely and emotional as hubby was at work and kids were still sleeping.  But once kids were up and hubby home, we opened up presents and had dinner.  Kids decided to play table tennis competitions; it was good.

But again this morning emotions were back down again.It's such a roller coaster at the moment; but Neil recommended maybe my meds need reviewing/changing so I'm going back to the doctors this week.

Hope you had a nice day yesterday.

Jo

[Lillybell]

Hi Suz and Jo, I can relate to what you're both saying. Jo I was also sad watching the carols. I wanted to sob but I didn't because my children were around. I felt it would spoil it for them if I did. So I put on the happy face and sang along. But it ended up being real in the end! Christmas morning a song came on my christmas CD and again I wanted to sob. This time the tears did flow. What made me sad was missing my Dad who passed away 5 years ago. But there is also a general sadness at Christmas time that I can't quite put my finger on. It can be really overwhelming but I never want it to impact on creating a happy christmas for my family. And.. as Suz says hope is always nearby. It is hope that allows me to keep going when I'm down and life seems bleak. Hope in what, I'm not sure, but it points to something positive and the beauty to be found in life. Or the belief that, to quote the old cliche, every cloud has a silver lining. Despair never wins the day. To quote another tired cliche, there is no rose without the thorn. And I've learnt or am still learning that life will always have its thorns but the beauty in life is still there along with the thorns. I also agree with Suz that the key is in being comfortable in my own skin. And yes the most important relationship is with yourself. I want to live for my children and those I love but I also want to live for me. 

[Suzbj]

Hi Jo,   

You’re right! I forgot how confronting it is being happy in your own skin. Looking back, it is only in the last year that that has happened for me. I tried for many years before. That does not mean it needs to take anyone else many years – that’s just my story. Thinking for a bit of how it actually happened... I know this may sound strange but I got to a point where I ‘noticed’ myself flinching at everyone and ‘walking on egg shells’ – reliving my past I guess. I suddenly thought, “I’m a fully grown woman! I don’t have to answer to anyone! What am I doing?” That was the turning point for me. I stopped living in my past.   I’m not a criminal, I’m not out to hurt anyone, I’m just living my life and hoping to input positively into other people’s lives where I can. Nobody else around me ‘flinches’ and ‘walks on egg shells for being who they are’. So I made a conscious decision to remind myself every time I went into that mode, that that is not real and not worthy for my life.   This is my life! And I am entitled to happiness and feeling self-worth.   So that was my 2013 mission and I think it is working. It is three steps forward, two steps back at times. But definitely going forward.   So no disrespect meant to you re my previous post. We are all on our own journey. And I wish you well. Obviously, your husband recognises something very worthy about you as do your children! So maybe that can be a starting point for you to recognise that you really are worthy!   

Cheers and lots of love Suz xx 

[Suzbj]

Hi Lillybell,   

I’m hearing you.   To share a bit more of my story, I fell pregnant when I was 19yo. My partner and I broke up when my daughter was five weeks old by mutual agreement. It was so hard and so tough being a single mother of my beautiful daughter without any family support and being completely on my own. I remember moving to a country town when she was 7 months old and a few months later I was sitting on the steps one night listening to music and fun happening near-by. But I couldn’t be a part of it. I had my daughter to look after. Then she woke up for a feed and I held her and couldn’t possibly understand why I was feeling so sad and lonely when I had my beautiful daughter!   I get it now. And I get how hard and how much is demanded of you in parenting. They are beautiful and perfect and so worth every minute, but that does not mean parenting isn’t hard, draining or easy.   We just do the best we can with each day we get. Some advice I got from older people at that time (my age now) is, this doesn’t last so long so enjoy every minute you have. I tried. But I was so broken and so sad and so lonely and suffering from depression/anxiety. I tried the best I could and my daughter and I were like best friends until she met her husband at 20 years of age.   We all need. And we all need a way to fill ‘us’ that is appropriate as well as being there for our children. What we dream of for our children should be our dream for ourselves and our example to our children. Easier said than done, but yeah, parenting is tough. There is no license that comes with children that says ‘You are now perfectly equipped to parent.” No rules or regulations. The only thing I can offer is be kind to them and listen to their dreams and if you can, do what you can to make their dreams happen as well as your own. To do that, you need some kind of support too. Believe in yourself and your children. I wish someone had shared this with me when I needed it most.   Lots of love Suzie xx 

[Lillybell]

Hi Suzie, while reading your post, my immediate response was to think how difficult it must have been for you when your daughter got married. It was you and her for all of those years and then you had to take a back seat and that is incredibly difficult at the best of times. Your bond with her must have been incredibly strong. I hope it is still that way. I have six children and yet letting go of my eldest has been extremely difficult. Every major event in her life has always brought with it for me, mixed emotions. She is now almost 25 and has just had her first child. I am overjoyed by this but again there has been the grief! I came into her room just after she'd given birth to my grandson and it was such a beautiful moment. But as I left, I remember looking back at her, my son-in-law and beautiful grandson and feeling sad that my baby girl had grown up! But of cause it is how it is meant to be and I wouldn't want it any other way. My eldest daughter will always have this affect on me because she was my first. But having said that, all of my children impact me in different ways. It is a huge balancing act to be there for each one when they need you. And sometimes that means that the other children have to take a back seat for a while. All the best Suzie. I'm glad too that you enjoyed your Christmas, which I read about in another post.