I'm back from a small holiday with the boys and my now ex. It was great being able to spend time with them all. Until on the way home to realise that once we got home that we will all be moving and it will be my first time away from the kids and first time I've ever lived on my own. Its worried me so much I've made myself sick over it and getting my usual tight chest feeling. The more I think about it I just cant do it.
I have been unable to find employment locally but have managed to find a good job over 7 hours away. Just don't think i can not see my kids everyday. My ex says that i lived closer i could see them when ever i want but if she doesn't want to live with me now why would she want me around everyday and its still not the same I love seeing them going to sleep and seeing them wake up with huge big smiles that just melt your heart first thing in the morning.
I have no family that i can talk to and just feel so alone nearly all of my so called mates cant be bothered to talk to me anymore as they are too busy and don't really give a stuff about keeping in contact anymore. I just feel so alone and isolated and worried or nearly certain I'm going to do something very stupid once i move. I feel lost and numb i cry everyday i just want it all finished and not feel like this anymore. All most can tell me is its going to be a long tough road ahead but i don't have the will or the energy for that tough road I'm afraid to say.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I will write more when I'm able to it just hurts so bad I cant do much at a time.
