coming to terms

[poida1]

Hi, I'm new to this website and am not really too sure what to do so I guess I'll just spill my story. I don't want to drag on but it's a long story so I apologise in advance.

I was in my first year of an adventure tourism course in New Zealand which I moved from Australia to do when, about 5 months ago, I had a very vivid near death experience at a ski field on the South Island that haunts me still today. I went through a horrific experience that lasted about 5 hours and was terribly injured and lucky to be alive. The injuries I sustained were to my hands and arms and took over 3 months to heal, limiting what I was able to do greatly. 

I should note that before the accident I was about the most pro-active go getter around and NEVER wasted a free moment. I was excelling in my training and every aspect of life. I always made the most of everything and was very into physical exercise and activities. I was/am known as the happiest guy who can easily find the bright side of everything and a pleasure to be around. All of this has changed since the accident happened.

The mental problems started shortly after the accident, about a few weeks I guess. I started to lose sleep which went away pretty quickly and then started to get mood swings which was not like me at all. I was under a lot of pressure with study as well which was not helping. Then the fatigue started to set in. I spent most of the day trying to keep my eyes open and felt like I was being swallowed alive by a black cloud that I just couldn't shake. At this stage I was in denial about my problems and was pretending to myself and others that everything was ok because I didn't want to appear weak and I was terrified that I was changing from the winning person I was. The dark feelings that I couldn't shake were eating away at me and leeching all life from me. My ability to be happy had vanished and I was a shell of who I was. I lost interest in my hobbies and sometimes couldn't even get out of bed. Then the numbness to my emotions set in and numb is the only way I can describe it. To this day I still feel this numbness and those dark feelings come and go, it's a roller coaster! 

A week ago I made the decision to stop what I'm doing and get help before it's too late. I was working as a sea kayak guide in New Zealand that requires complete focus, professionalism, lots of energy and the key: happiness! Which I don't have. I'm now in Australia just hanging out and getting my head back together before I have to continue my training in New Zealand in February. I haven't been able to share my story with anyone other than friends and family and am dying to speak to a professional about what happened and the problems that have come from it, but due to the time of year, most shrinks are on holidays. I've only just come to terms with what's going on and have only just been honest with how I am to those around me so I've taken the first step but have been stopped in my tracks by the whole everyone being on holidays thing. This is why I am sharing my story on here. I hope someone reads this (sorry about the length!). I just want someone to talk to about this and some help!

[amamas]

Hi Poida

You went through something very traumatic!  Well done on sharing it!  Even through you expressing your pain I can still feel your intense desire to recover and get back out there.

Since you are having trouble getting therapy - Have you tried the online clinic/courses with Mindspot.  They are free and you have psych support.  I'm doing one of their courses at the moment.  So far I highly recommend them.

Take care!

Keep in touch

Cheers Amamas

[geoff]

dear Poida, thanks for joining us and welcome aboard.

It's very disappointing that a great time turns into a disaster, and now leaves you with injuries that will always remind you of the accident.

It seems as though you are suffering from PTSD and with this you do lose the interest you once had with most of you hobbies, as my life has turned a complete circle, and all those hobbies and what I did in my work and past time have all gone, and I don't care at all for any of them any more.

It's sad because I once loved them all, but now I don't care for them one bit.

This may not happen to you, but there's a very good chance that it will, it's disappointing, but like myself I have moved on.

As well as Mindspot which Amamas has suggested there is also the 'web chat' which you see at the top plus another phone number which is available 24/7.

I can understand the distress and disappointment which you are experiencing, but while the pro's are on holidays you can also post on here.L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Poida

Good on you for being able to post your story on here … and I don’t know how much you know about the forums on Beyond Blue, but it is an incredibly supportive and caring place.  We are moderated by good people from Beyond Blue and the responders on the threads are people also suffering from this illness (be it depression, anxiety, bipolar, post-stress traumatic disorder and any number of other horrible things).  So if you feel the need to be in touch with us during this time of year, when most other places are closed down, then please post away and for the most part, you’ll have people around who will be able to respond back to you.

As Amamas said, I too can feel the passion that you had for being a person who had boundless energy and enthusiasm … I can feel it under the surface.  Are you able to (or have you been able to) make an appointment with a GP so you can commence on the professional road to hopeful rehabilitation for you?  They should hopefully be able to guide you to a psyche who will be able to assist you and help you get back your mojo.  (insert smiley here)

Please take care and post back to us as often as you want too.

Cheers

Neil

[poida1]

Hey guys, thanks for your replies. 

Yes Amamas I'm desperate to get back to some normality. My career and life in general is basically on pause until this happens. 

Geoff, from the research I have done it does looks as if I am going through PTSD. I have lost all desire to do the things I once loved to do which kills me to say.  Can I ask, how have you moved on? What are some of the things you've done to help cope? and are you suffering from the same 'emotional numbness' as I am?

Also, the problems I mentioned before in my post are heightened by anxiety, which I have suffered from for years, so juggling all at once is sometimes impossible and I lose the plot. I wonder whether or not the PTSD has or is leading to depression also. My symptoms all point to depression, but I guess this is why I'm so desperate to see a specialist, so I can finally have a proper diagnosis rather than have a self diagnosis from the research I do on the net.

Cheers