where do i go from here?

[houseofwolves___]

ok here goes...

I'm 25 and just come back from a overseas trip, my first since being on medication, i thought it would be okay, i good opportunity to overcome my fears but i really struggled. i was out of my comfort zone and unable to call home and unfortunately as much as the country was beautiful the group of 20 somethings were really quite judgmental and bullies. since coming home, i do feel a little better but there is this niggling feeling at the back of my mind and lots of "what if" thoughts. some days i have really good days and others like today i just feel like i don't want to be here, i know i wouldn't act on these thoughts but it still scares me nonetheless. my doctor said i should up my medication but i don't want that to be the answer to my problems.. i just don't know what do to... i exercise, drink lots of water, eat healthy, have some amazing best friends yet i still feel alone.. and right now life kinda sucks.

[Neil_1]

Hey Houseofwolves (cool name by the way)

Yes, life is very much like a vacuum cleaner ... it just sux.  Sorry, that's a very poor joke.

Good on you for doing the overseas thing and while it may not have turned out for you as well as you were hoping, I'm sure you have some lovely memories (I hope) of places that you saw, and perhaps some photos as well.  However to be stuck with a group like the ones you described, that would have made it very uncomfortable.

Isn't it weird.  We suffer from this illness  ... we take our medication, we exercise, we eat right and look after ourselves as best we can ... you know, doing all the things that the journals and pamphlets and interweb sites tell us what we should be doing to help us with this illness, and yet, WE STILL DAMN WELL FEEL SHITE !

Houseofwolves, I just don't understand it either.  Perhaps you should up your meds though ... I know almost 2 years ago, when I was sinking away, my psyche upped my meds, to a pretty high dose now and it did help.   Although nowadays, I'm not so sure.  I did have a review a little while ago, but when you have these awful feelings almost all of the time, it makes you wonder.

Houseofwolves (I'm gonna have to come up with something a bit shorter I think) :), please hang in there and you are definitely not on your own with this.  You also say you've got some amazing friends, which is very helpful.  Can you choose ONE who you think you could really confide in, and then go to that person and then be able to unload to them?  If you can, that will become a great thing for you, because in the future, you don't actually need to see them if you don't want ... you can send an email or whatever.  They will know your situation and may be able to provide just something a little helpful at a time when you really need something.

I hope I've given something positive above for you,

Cheers

Neil

[geoff]

dear Houseofwolves, I can sort of relate to your situation as I had planned to go OS but I cancelled it, as I have never been OS by myself.

I also have the same fear in meeting people who are argument and controlling, it's like being out of my own space.

It's the same as PTSD where I prefer to go to other peoples places so I can leave when I want, rather than them coming to my place, and I can't get rid of them.

Some elderly female wants to come with me if and when I decide to go OS, but already she has planned the month, so this only indicates what the trip will be like, and how do you overcome 8 nights away without my puppie, one night is terrible, so if I decide to go, I will have to talk myself around this problem.

Can I say that by increasing your medication shouldn't be a fear factor here, because the purpose of this is to stabilise your brain into an even keel, so this then allows your thoughts to be rationale, rather than continually having negative thoughts, and once you even them out then you could start to decrease them.

If you don't increase them then your mind will still be with the wolves, sorry.

Even if we do have some amazing friends, we are unable to relate to them, because we are on a different level to them, so the communication goes above their heads. Geoff.