Failing and Falling

[Mares73]

Hi all Things are pretty hard at the moment. I've been trying so hard to achieve at least one thing each day that needs doing. But I'm feeling very low about myself. I think I'm really stressed with Xmas so close.

I've only been the shops once and was so overwhelmed by the busy pushy people in crowded shopping malls. But I've got so much more shopping to do with the kids etc and I'm stressed its getting so close and I have so much to do.

I still haven't tackled the pile of mail and am now getting messages on my phone from lawyers chasing outstanding bills. I wish I could just phone them and get it over with but what do I say about why I haven't called or paid earlier?

Also I've always made a big effort at Xmas for the kids cause my childhood was so awful but this year I'm so stressed I'm not going to make Xmas as good as I want to for the kids.

My husband just wants things "fixed" and is very frustrated with me as he doesn't see why things that I need to do are so difficult.

Also I'm dealing with things from the past. My sister who is a year younger than me has told my mum she was abused as a child by my dad and my mum believes her. Yet she never believed me.

We are not a close family at all. When I was ten yrs old I went to my favourite English teacher and told her about my dad abusing me. I kind of had to as she had read my essays and asked to see me and said she could tell I was the girl being abused in my stories. I begged her not to tell anyone.

The next day my sister and I Re called to the Principals Office. We are shocked to see my mum and dad sitting there. The Principal said "Mares you have made some serious allegations and stories about your dad" and then she asked my sister is she agreed with me or if she was being abused in anyway. My sister just sat there unable to speak. The Principal then said "you are both very lucky to have such cari g and forgiving parents. Mares your dad has e planned that you make up stories for attention especially when you want to get out of chores or have late homework. I think you should go home and think about your actions and how lucky you are to have a forgiving father".

I will never forget the smile on my dads face. He was an alcoholic yet could be incredibly charming when he wanted too. We were very poor. Oh and of course it was a catholic school.

Shortly after this my mother took us both to a dodgy Dr to put us on antidepressants because we were both bedwetters and her reasoning was that the antidepressants "would sedate us at night so we wouldn't be afraid of the dark and cry for the light to be left on".

Ill stop there-I could write a book of the dark childhood and trauma but its over-what I need now is to learn to live with my anxiety and depression and high expectations of myself which then turn into thoughts that I'm a complete and hopeless failure of a person.

Just feeling dark and down today. Overwhelmed by all the things I need to do yet immobilised by them as well. I sit here going over and over what I need to do and by the end of the day I've achieved nothing.

And with only few days to Xmas I'm so anxious and worried-I just want the strength and motivation to take a tion and Do things instead go thinking about them. I know so many people are finding this a difficult time so it's not just me and there's people in worse situations. I need and try to practice humility.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares  

Your story of when you were ten years old ripped me right to the core!  I think I’ll keep my thoughts to myself about what I think of your father and of the school principal and your English teacher and your mother for that matter as well.  

Mares, now is such a crazy, busy time but there’s still quite a number of days to go yet.  And nights (for night shopping, possibly).  And without wanting to create anything between you and hubby, I’d try to suggest to him, in the nicest possible way that if he feels that they’re not so difficult, then perhaps he could either (a) do them himself or (b) possibly get in and help you out with them?   

Make a list of the things you need to do … who you still need to buy for and if possible, what you’ll be buying for that person.  That way if you’ve got that, it might help as when you get to the shops, you’ll have written down the exact shop(s) that you need to Target (pardon the pun).  That might save you from wandering from shop to shop and making things even more stressful.  I’ve done that in the past and believe me, it IS NOT fun.  

Even grab some of those junk mail catalogues and go through them with your list … that might make things possibly easier?  

Ps:  every time someone mentions that they should write a book, I would really encourage them (you) to try and do it.  Get on the computer and start to put things down … doesn’t have to be in any particular order at this stage … just get your thoughts down … be they from the past;   from your youth or from how you’re feeling now.  Oh oh and keep saving that document.  The last thing you’d want is for some weird computer crash or virus to take away all that you’ve written.  Back it up onto a thumb drive or whatever they are these days.  

Tomorrow is another day … Christmas is still the middle of next week … please don’t stress and don’t worry about things that you can’t control ie:  people who might be worse off than you.  I know it’s easier said than done, that’s why I said it.  (insert BIG cheesy smile here)  

Cheers (hic)  

Neil

And no, I haven't had a beer yet, but beer o'clock is about 3 hours away!

[geoff]

dear Mares, this is atrocious the way it was handled, absolutely disgraceful, but it doesn't surprise me coming from a catholic school, as so much has been pushed under the carpet.

I wish that you hadn't stopped where you did, because there are too many problems associated with all of this and these are still keeping you snowed under.

The way you have explained your traumas at this time of the year is how so many other people feel, plus the fact that you also have to meet with other people who you would rather be as far away from them as possible.

Your father if he's worth calling that is despicable and even the thought of performing an act like he did many times is incomprehensible, and it's one that I never had to endue, but this doesn't mean that I can't relate to what you had to go through, and also includes all the other people who had to suffer as well.

Xmas and shopping is bedlam all the people who do push and shove is something that I certainly don't miss at all, it's a terrible and horribly expensive time, and whether we buy a present that the person wanted or likes is like the flip of a dice.

Nothing can be fixed so easily, so really your husband doesn't understand the trauma involved, firstly by your depression which then leads into the pain of doing everything needed for this time of the year.

On top of this is that I am worried about your finances, and I wonder how much debt you are in at the moment. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Hi Mares

I just want to put my arms around you and give you a big big hug.  I feel for you so much.  I can read the pain you have been through.

It's disgusting what your dad did to you and how the principal acted.  I'm sorry that you went through all that, I totally understand.

Mares, don't worry too much about Christmas and presents.  You know I feel that Christmas time here far too commercialised.  It's not about rushing around buying presents, writing down lists of what to get for whoever, stressing big time because money just goes so quickly etc etc etc.  Christmas time is a time for spending it with your husband and children.  And even if you just have a nice meal, sitting around the table altogether, chatting, eating, drinking and just having a laugh - just being with the most important people you have - that's Christmas.  It doesn't matter about the presents, the running around etc etc - that is just so stressful and it increases our anxiety levels.

I understand what you're saying about worrying about finances.  About 2 yrs ago we were so down in our finances I feared of losing our home.  I cried and cried and each time I saw my psych that's all I could say - i was so damn scared.  But with reassurance from my GP and psych and advice from psych to phone a govt dept that would help me with the finances.  I can't remember who they were now but we went to see this lady and she helped us with our finances, bills, etc.  We finally got the help that we needed.  So Mares, i would just google and see what you can find in your area.

Does your husband know of the financial worries?  If so, well maybe he could take control of that and seek help, as sometimes it gets too much for us and having someone else do it takes the pressure off.

Mares, I feel for you, I wish you all the best.  Please let us know how you are going.

I'm thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

Jo xx

[Mares73]

Hi all

i hope this post works as I seem to have difficulty with the BB site today.

Firstly--Neil. Jo and Geoff-you are a constant source of inspiration and support for me-I can't thank you enough as you three seem to respond whenever I post and it means so much to me.

Re my story about my Dad the irony is that at aged 60 (2yrs-ago) he was living homeless on the street, drinking metho, depressed and no support services could help him. He died by chocking on his own vomit whilst severely intoxicated.

I later found a short note he had left me saying simply "sorry" and that he couldn't stand the pain of life anymore.

Anyway back to today, my husband is in an awful mood and has been saying all morning that I have taken any chance of happiness away and that my anxiety and depression mean he doesn't feel like he has a "normal wife" even though if you were to meet me you would never know my battles.

I have always been able to "put on the right face" for people and function highly usually. But yes I do have anxiety and depression and low confidence and some days I don't get the washing done or dinner ready but I try my best.

I hate asking him for help as you may remember he has battled leukemia and only went into remission this year. So I have been a career and when he says my depression or anxiety worry him that they will cause his leukemia to come back I feel so hurt.

I have no family support and no friends who remain in contact. I am very lonely and isolated and he made it clear this morning that he didn't want to hear my problems.

Yet even when people are around me I still feel alone. I'm feeling worse each day Xmas gets closer. I hate this illness, I feel lost. I just want to curl up in bed and cry but I can't even cry I just feel numb but also in so much pain that I'd do anything to escape this hollow feeling of dread.

Sorry for my misery.

Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares,

Firstly, I'd like Beyond Blue to put a little quote up near where the important telephone numbers at the top are ... "On our site NO ONE needs to say sorry".

Mares, you wrote at the bottom, sorry for my misery ... but please please don't be saying that.  Here there's no need for apologies.  This is what this place is for.  To le loose and say whatever it is that's on our minds or whatever it is that's causing us pain.

However having said that, Mares I'm going to say sorry for saying this (how hypocritical am I), but I think what your husband has said to you is downright low and so awful.  Totally unnecessary.  This is the thing though isn't it ... people who don't suffer from our affliction don't understand.  Because they can't see it, they just don't understand.

You and me Mares are in a similar boat at the moment ... we want to cry, but can't.  I still reckon peeling onions could be the trick!  We both want to just curl up in bed and cry and we feel numb and have a hollow feeling of dread.  I'll bet your also on edge and feeling nervous around the home as well.  Maybe you're not, but I am.

I can't remember if you've been to your GP recently or if he/she is aware of how you're going ... but I really think you should be trying to seek out some professional help with what's happening.  I think this is way too much for you to handle on your lonesome ... which is to me, how it's shaping up.  And I so wish it wasn't being this way for you.

I've found a link to information that "might" be able to help you.  It's a Government funded initiative to support people with mental illness;  I guess it just depends on where you're situated in Australia and your eligibility, but hey, it's worth investigating:

Ok, damnit ... for some reason it won't allow me to insert the link in.  Could I suggest you please google "personal helpers and mentors" and it's an iniative run by DSS.  I'm sorry about my computer technological skills aren't quite up to scratch.

http://www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/mental-health/programs-services/personal-helpers-and-mentors-phams

The phams is:  personal helpers and mentors;  and from what I can gather if everything is ticked, then people can come out to assist you and be there for you.

Also, one other thing that I forgot in my first post to you ... have you access where you live to something like the "home shopping" thing, you know where you can shop on line for groceries, say at Woolies (ps:  i have no affiliation with Woolies whatsoever) and then they'll shop for you and deliver it for you.  It's just a suggestion that might assist in beating some stress at the shops.

Please take care Mares and I hope you get this post fairly soon,

Cheers

Neil

[mari73]

Hello Mares73 its Mari73! WOW! that's close!

After I read your name and your story I felt connected to you just a little. My ex husband is a complete psychopath and I am in court trying to protect my 4 year old daughter from him. He has destroyed people throughout his life.  He has had multiple families and is a very abusive, dangerous predator. Not the type you want to run into on a lonely track or anywhere actually. What spoke to me was the devastating effect of having a man like your father in your life. My daughter's father is extremely intelligent and manipulative. Reading your story is powerful because it gives strength to people, like me, who need to fight for the safety of a child.  Write your book. Society needs to know your story.  You have strengthened me to sacrifice all and do what I need to do for my child. 

[Jo3]

Hey Mares

God I feel for you, your husband doesn't need to make you feel guilty for how you're feeling.  Depression is something that we sometimes can't control.  I can't imagine how hard it's been for you.

Mares I would love to chat with you, feeling lonely and isolated is a horrible feeling.  It's something that no one should have to go through.  And even though you say you feel lonely when people are around you - I totally get it because that's how I feel.  Maybe it's because we know how we feel, they don't, they don't have depression or know what it feels like and even if we explain it they still don't get (well my husband doesn't anyway).

If only you could just sit and cry, let it all out.  I have cried so much over the past 3 yrs i thought i had no tears left, but they still come.  And when they do, I just let it all out.  

Sending you a big hug

Jo xx