My cheating partner

[Amber88]

So my partner thinks I’ve cheated , which I haven’t, I’ve told him multiple times I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise this rship, but every time we have an argument, he keeps bringing it up saying oh you’ve cheated. His exs have cheated on him in the past, because of that he thinks I would do the same, as he keeps saying all girls are tied to the same brush, he does not trust me at all, he’s got trust issues, I’ve showed him he can trust me but doesn’t . So because of getting accused for something I’ve not done, I’ve stopped being so affectionate towards him, I’ll still do small affectionate things like kiss him on the cheek and that. So lately because of this, he decided to download dating apps ‘to keep his options open’ so he’s been flirting with other girls behind my back, i told him I want to work on us, but I said that he needs to delete the dating apps and close the ‘open options’ he doesn’t want to do that , so I’m literally living with someone who’s interested in talking to other girls behind my back… 

[Sophie_M]

Hi,

Thank you for opening up and sharing what you’re going through, it sounds like you’re in a really painful and confusing situation. Being accused of something you haven’t done, especially by someone you care about, can be incredibly hurtful and exhausting. It makes sense that you’re feeling drained and unsure about what to do next.

You’ve shown a lot of patience and effort in trying to rebuild trust, but relationships can’t really move forward if one person refuses to meet you halfway. Constant accusations and “keeping options open” can leave anyone feeling small and unwanted, and that’s not okay.

You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety. If this situation is starting to wear you down or impact your confidence, it might help to talk things through with someone outside the relationship, maybe a counsellor or someone from 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732 or 1800respect.org.au) who can listen and help you work out what feels right for you.

You don’t have to figure this all out alone. Reaching out, like you’ve done here, is a strong step toward looking after yourself.

Take care,
Sophie M

[Amber88]

As our phones are linked, I can see all pictures/videos he does as I get a notification ‘partner sharing’ just seen a video he just did a note with his number so he’s giving out his number 

[therising]

Hi Amber88

I feel for you so much. I feel great upset and compassion towards you, given how honest and committed you are in the relationship and how he's betraying that honesty and commitment. 

While I believe there can be a part of us that is nurturing, consoling, compassionate, understanding and tolerant, there's also another part of us that needs to come to life on occasion and perhaps this is one of those occasions. Of course, this is up to you. Within us, there is an intolerant facet to who we are, a part of us that doesn't tolerate questionable behaviour from others, doesn't tolerate a lack of commitment, compassion and more towards us from others. This is a part that doesn't tolerate an overstepping of boundaries that can lead us to great emotional sufferance. It can be an upstanding part of us that challenges others. Whether they want those challenges or not is a whole other story. Whether they rise to those challenges determines whether they want to graduate through the many stages that can come with developing a relationship. 

If you were to tap into that part of yourself that refuses to tolerate you being treated this way in your relationship, what would it say? Would it say 'You deserve better than this' or 'You need to draw a line/boundary' or 'You need to end things in favour of finding the kind of mutually considerate relationship you want to share with someone' or maybe something else? What would that part of you say to him? Would it perhaps say something along the lines of 'While facing the challenge of developing this relationship and moving beyond your past experiences, you choose not to rise to this challenge. Instead, you choose to cause me pain'? While some may say this is a bit harsh, it could also be considered as 'tough love', in other words saying to someone 'I love you enough to raise you through challenging you to become more conscious of your behaviour, beiefs and ways of thinking. Are you going to accept the challenge and raise yourself or remain lacking in consciousness in order to serve yourself in some way, through avoidance/ignorance (avoiding/ignoring what shouldn't be avoided or ignored)?'. Becoming more conscious can involve a lot of hard work in some cases. The question becomes about whether our partner is prepared to put in as much work as we are. ❤️ 

[Picture]

Sorry to hear this Amber. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me. If he isn’t committed to you, it may be worth considering if you should be together. You deserve love and respect.