Lost, lonely and lacking purpose in life

[MoonlightShadow13]

I am a long time viewer but first time poster. I guess I am feeling lost and am hoping opening up on here might help a bit.

i am 30 years old, male and living with hiv (undetectable and healthy as can be given the circumstance).

i find myself very lost and lacking purpose in my life. I recently relocated home after moving interstate a few years ago, I needed a change as I felt trapped and found that I was more lonely interstate than when I left - struggling to make friends or connections and being in a environment that was too stressful to cope with.

i moved back so that I could save money and reset but often found myself here questioning my mental health. My family has a history of bi polar, depression and anxiety and I have definitely felt traits of these in my life - but they come and go.

I do know I need to see a professional and get help but I am worried it’s all in my head and I will just find myself on more medication on top of antiviral medication. I am hesitant as it does not seem to help my loved ones and instead I see a decline in their overall health as they struggle with day to day basics.

is this what it is? Is that what will happen to me? Is it beneficial to keep avoiding professional help because I lack the financial availability to do so comfortably? I always seem to feel trapped and that my life has no purpose. Most people are/have been married with children and I really have very little to show for myself other than a life of trying to be independent since mid teens.

I do want to travel and see the world, but I see this as another hurdle financially and another ‘sign’ that what I want is always too far out of reach,

I’ve never considered suicide or anything like that but I sure as hell feel low and very mundane. I hate not having a motivation for many things or a confidence to do the things that most people seem to be able to do.

Apologies if this is posted in the wrong area - I just thought I’d write it all down and go for it as I feel there’s very few who can relate.- or atleast in my life it feels like everyone else is too busy with their own problems to have the the time for me in return. I hide it quite a lot as I am your classic cheerful person on the outside.

Anyway, appreciate any advice that can be directed my way,

[PamelaR]

Hi MoonlightShadow and warm welcome to our Beyond Blue forums

It’s good you’ve found your way to our community of caring, supportive and non judgemental people.

I live with PTSD, anxiety and depression and have managed to improve my life considerably over the years.

I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to be living with hiv. It must be difficult, though I have read that these days being HIV is no longer a death sentence in the developed world. That’s really good to hear.

Though in some ways it sounds like you are struggling as you find yourself lost and lacking purpose in life. This can be very hard. Are you contact with the services available, e.g. AIDS Councils and People Living with HIV (PLHIV)?

You also indicate that you know you need to seek professional help but are concerned about going on more medication. Dependent on your mental health condition, it might be that you can avoid taking anti depressants for awhile. Look at other forms of support? My thoughts are - go to your doctor and talk about it in the first instance. Say you don’t want to take medication, but maybe a health professional could help? You can get a mental health plan that gives you 10 visits to a health professional (that bulk bills) in a calendar year. So there is no financial worry at least. The only difficult part is finding someone that bulk bills. Your doctor should be able to help there.

You say you are 30 and is this what it is? There is a long life ahead of you and things can change. I’m in my 60s and when I look back at myself at 30 - I was a pup, a very young pup with lots to learn and a great many things to do. I started university when I was 38 and never backpacked until I was 40. So don’t give up on yourself just yet.

Be kind to yourself. You are going through a lot and perhaps the antiviral medication has a depressive affect also. Maybe something to ask your doctor?

Keep reaching out here MoonlightShadow if and when you want to. You’re not alone.

Kind regards
PamelaR

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi MoonlightShadow13,

Great to see you posting on the forum. It takes courage to put yourself out into this space. I am glad to hear that your HIV levels are undetectable and are living well with antiviral medication.

It sounds as though you are a bit stuck. I understand your fear around seeking professional help and being pushed to take medication. This is actually a really positive thing to acknowledge as if you seek support with a GP or psychologist then you have already outlined one of your goals. Goal #1. Improve mood with out using medication.

The clearer you are with how you want to receive treatment, the easier it is going to be to find a solution that works for you. Medication is one of the ways in which there is evidence to treat low mood but there are also several other treatments with a solid evidence base including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) Exercise or Mindfulness to name a few.

The more traditional path to gaining support is typically going to see a GP and ask for a long appointment so you can gain a mental health care plan. There are also many other ways too get support, (some that are free) and I have listed a few below:

1. An online program called Mindspot has worked for some people. It is CBT online and some telephone support. There are several different courses of treatment. You can access this program at www.mindspot.org.au

2. NewAccess - developed by beyondblue is low intensity CBT for low mood and worry. It is free but only available in some areas of Australia but you can look here to see if you are in catchment for this program https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/newaccess

3. There are many suggestions on the forum to read the book (or complete the 8-week program) The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris - I have not personally read this book but it is very popular to get people starting to think about changing towards a more positive mindset and what it truly means to be happy.

Taking small steps that don’t burden you financially may help you build up some motivation and determination towards finding a counsellor/psychologist.

You situation is not uncommon and as a forum observer, you would have seen many others going through the challenges of trying to find the right treatment plan. You have already taken the first step by posting. Now to take the next one which could be writing down your goals and finding a program or counsellor so you can get your confidence back.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn