I’ve reached a new form of low even for me...

[KC_xo]

No words can describe how much hate I have for myself or how ashamed I am of myself. I really do hate myself that much 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi KC,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Depression can have that effect on us where we will think the worst about ourselves or or situation. Yet the view about ourselves is different from those around us.

I am wondering if you might be able to fill out your story a bit?

Are you getting professional help?

Are you a student? Or working?

What are you hoping to get from the forums?

I want you to know that I am listening.

There are some thread on the forum that you might be interested in looking at on grounding and mindfulness that might give you some ideas to break the never end cycle of negative thoughts. And if that does not work, you can always call upon services like life line (13 11 44) or you could chat with the people at beyond blue (contact details at the bottom of the page).

And please try not to be so hard on yourself. Show yourself a little compassion?

Peace and love,

Tim

[Croix]

Dear KC_xo~

I'd like to join Tim in welcoming you back here. We would like to help if we can as you sound like you are struggling. Last year you did say that the way you were being treated had a lot to do with how you felt.

Is it the same now? If anyone is not treated with respect and kindness over a long time it's quite likely they will get really down, and think maybe they are not worth anyone's effort. Quite wrong of course, it is the people behaving badly that are the problem.

Tim's asked you a few questions, basically so we can talk with you without too much guesswork. You can say what you like here, we all have been though hard times and will listen with understanding.

Croix

[KC_xo]

Sorry for not detailing anything in my post, unfortunately I’m struggling to do that for fear of being judged for my actions, I’m not proud of myself, what I’ve done of late, and so I have to deal with this all internally.

i have only recently reached out to seek professional help as I hit rock bottom. I’ve had an initial session but that doesn’t even begin to touch the sides of my years upon years of hidden secrets and suffering.

I am a full time worker, but have not been able to go back to work after the Xmas break.

i just needed to get it out, say it out loud spit out some of my guilt and shame cause I can’t tell anyone.

I know I’m not a bad person and that people do bad things to me all the time and it hurts me so very deep, but two wrongs don’t make a right. But I did it and I can’t take it back I can’t chsnge the past. I should be used to it by now I mess up all the time.

i just ha e to hope I stop being this person and ruining the rest of my life I have left.

[Croix]

Dear KC_xo~

I guess it can be very hard if one does something one is ashamed or unhappy about, however that is par for the course. I would think everyone feels that way about some of the things in their lives, I certainly do, htere can be a lot to regret.

I'll also say that often we are our own harshest judges, and what seems a truly horrible act to ourselves is not as bad from the point of view of others. In fact judging ourselves is very hard, plus we are often not as kind or forgiving to ourselves as we might be to someone else.

I'm glad you have started with professional help. It sounds like a couple of things are eating you up at the moment. Can I suggest you talk to the psych or doctor about them? If you think saying out loud face to face is too hard just write down the basic points and hand the paper over. I've done that and it is easier.

I've found psyches are not judgmental and try to put things in perspective.

You do not need to stop being the prosper you are, seemly avid hte same traps in future, we all have learn from our acts.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hello again,

I can understand your hesitation I writing here, but I also want you to know that you will not be judged in this space. You are not alone and equal to everyone else in this community.

I am also a full time worker. Well, I have Fridays off these days. It is a complicated situation. I have been seeing my psychologist for over a year now, and it is a case of baby steps regarding improvements. Being able to talk to a professional can be both painful and rewarding. Painful in the memories you have to bring up, but once out there, I felt a lighter because I didn't have to carry the emotional baggage anymore. I am hopeful that you will have a similar experience.

As Croix said, we can be our own harshest critic. We don't know what happened, but we can sit with you at this time, until you make your way out of this dark space?

Tim

[Croix]

Sorry, pressed 'reply' before checking that last sentence, should say:

You do not need to stop being the person you are, simply try to avoid the same traps in future, we all have to learn from our acts.

-C

[2FeelReal]

Hi KC. I'm a newbie and you're my first encounter. I can strongly relate.

You are not alone here. I feel the same way as you. All the bad stuff I did it just kept on happening. I'd regret it, I'd hate myself for it especially when it came to people.

I would think to myself I'm not going to do that shit again I'm going to make up for it but no it didn't happen. I was on repeat just history repeating itself and I couldn't control it. The sick thing about it was that I would think that I've done nothing wrong when deep down I know its wrong, I did it and now its too late to fix it. We can all work together and help eachother. I want you to know that I care and I feel your pain too. It will get better in time.

Thank you for your story and giving me the courage to kick start this new journey.