Losing hope

[Butterfly91]

Hi there,

 I have struggled with depression for most of my life. At the beginning of this year I seemed to have a grip on things and was doing pretty well but after a couple of months once I decided to stop taking my medication I fell into a dark and inescapable hole. I isolated myself and found it harder and harder to reach out to others. To this day I've tried three different types of medication and while i know it's not a cure, I'm still not feeling much improvement. I feel disconnected and barely like myself. I struggle to talk to others when I was once always sociable and optimistic. It feels like I am trapped and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make me feel better. In the new year I want to further my studies but even finding motivation is really difficult. It feels like I've completely lost myself and I don't know what to do. Please help 😞

[Neil_1]

Dear Butterfly

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for sharing your post.  A quick digression if I may - I've written a manuscript of my life so far;  and my journey with depression.  In it, my partner wrote a short piece that defines things a little from her perspective.

She wrote something along the lines of:   "Neil was the kind of person who when taking a lift in a building would get to know someone in that short space of time, that he would generally be on first name basis by the time he got to the floor he was going too".

Butterfly, and now, I'm in a lift and I can't wait for it to get to the floor where I need to go.

That's depression, that's mental illness.

I shared that as you said you were once sociable and optimistic, but now, the mental illness has taken you over.

Are you able to share what 'outside' assistance you've been able to get for yourself?  ie:  any counselling or doctor's appointments?  I'm assuming you must have been to a Dr as you've mentioned you've been on different medications.  And are you on meds at the moment?   I do agree with you that yes, they aren't a cure (what a shame about that, because whoever comes up with that miracle, they'll be multi millionaires, I would think) and not being a cure, we know we've got to keep on doing other things to help us through.

Things like:  counselling, talking it out, and now even coming on here - you've seen obviously how many posts I've done - so you can get a quick idea that for me being on here does help me.  But I've also got the gym to go too, which is a great release;  I try to eat well and drink loads of water each day.

I will shut up now as I'd really like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Butterfly,

So many of us here can relate to your story. Thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling and welcome to the family here at Beyond Blue. We are a community of people all with some sort of mental health issue or know someone who has one.. A lot of us come to just read what others have written, some people end up staying for a long time and others just flit about and maybe don't stay at all.

If you don't mind me asking you some questions, do you see your Dr regularly for the medication changes or are you under a Psychologist/Psychiatrist? Have you asked the professionals if there could be something else going on for you other than just depression?

I don't mean depression is not bad enough, but I am wondering from what you have written if there may be  something else as well. I am not wanting to concern or distress you in any way. I feel that if we know what we are dealing with then we can combat and conquer it.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and once I realised that, so much of my ways of thinking and behaving made sense to me and I was able to work around those issues and make life better for myself and others!

For now, think of the things you used to like doing and try to partake of some of those activities. I enjoy craft, so have a small basket with simple projects I can tackle without feeling like I need to complete the whole thing perfectly!

Do you like to read, go for a walk, do some gardening, paint a picture or just doodle on some paper? Start slowly with things you would like to do. Ease yourself back in to it.

If you find communication with family and friends difficult, try to avoid the big group things for long periods of time. Ask an individual to join you for a coffee somewhere or for a walk. Google ways to help yourself through depression. There is so much information out there these days to help ourselves, but ask for help and assistance as well. We all need someone to lean on at times.

One day I might be able to do "short replies" Ha. Ha.

Take one day at a time and little steps also. I too know the Merry-go-round ride of medications! That is another story! I wish you well on find medication that works for you, or that you can feel confident to not need any at all and manage your life well. Keep in touch with your Dr and mental health supports!

Hope this has helped, from Mrs. Dools

[grandma]

I don't think I can face another 20 years of waking up every morning with a knot of anxiety in my stomach.  I have suffered from depression/anxiety since I was 9 years old.  My life is "perfect" - happy marriage, two grown up children and four beautiful grandchildren.  On Christmas Day I kept having these waves of anxiety coming over me.  I take medication for both my anxiety and my depression.  It keeps me functioning, but I can't say I ever feel truly content or happy.  I see a psychiatrist every six months and have consulted with psychologists over the years.  I know I need to go back to a psychologist, but having to go back to the start and tell them all the crap I've endured over 55 years is prohibitive.

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandma,

Maybe it would be very useful for you to return to the psychologist. Have you tried writing down how you are feeling? No one needs to ever read it, you can even write out a months full of rotten stuff, then rip the pages up, throw them away and never read them again from the moment you have written them down.

Maybe for some of us, the depression/anxiety/stress and other mental health issues we suffer from  do not give us the capacity to feel the HAPPINESS we desire to feel!

How do you measure happiness? How do you measure contentment?

Maybe considering letting go of past hurts and burdens will help. Being able to forgive others and myself has helped me heaps and has released all kinds of tension and difficulties. I am not saying a cruise around in a perfect bubble of pure joy, but I am learning to cope with the negative stuff and not let it out grow the positives in my life.

Try and let go of a little bit of the stuff from the last 55 years. That is all behind you. Think of tomorrow and what you would like to achieve. Think of three things you are thankful for each day. If three is too hard, then choose just one! There is a post here where you could record your ideas or read others.

I don't know how to link you to that, it is beyond my computer understanding. Ha. Ha. You could start up your own Thankfulness Thread or a journal at home.

Give it a go!      From Mrs. Dools

[Butterfly91]

Hi Neil

 thank you for your reply. I have noticed a couple of your posts and seen how you've been able to share your experiences and help others through theirs. That is I guess what I hope to do too. At the moment, I am not seeking much outside assistance, besides the few trips I've made to my psychiatrist who recommended my medication. Since then I've also been trying to do more exercise and meditation which seems to make me feel a bit calmer. I'm relatively new to the country and so I thought it might have been the adjusting thing that might be what's getting me down, but yet as I said previously I was doing well up until now. I think what I struggle with the most is frustration. I'm frustrated at myself for being like this, and constantly beating myself up about it even though I know it's not my fault. Is it normal to feel like you just don't know how to talk to people anymore? 

I'm pretty glad I found this forum, as I do believe in the power of unity and we all know more or less the pain and frustration of depression/anxiety and hence we are able to help each other through. 

[Butterfly91]

Dear Mrs Dools

 thank you for replying to my post. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. Though it is a feeling I don't wish upon anyone. 

To answer some of your questions, I am not seeking out any treatment at the moment as it is quite costly and I don't have Medicare to cover the costs. However, I have been to a psychiatrist in the last couple of months and plan to go again in another few. I'm not really sure if I've for anything else besides depression, but I don't think I do. Though I can't diagnose myself ha ha.

Some of the things I love doing are horse riding, talking long walks and being in nature but even finding the motivation to do that is hard. 

It just feels like I'm disconnected from others and I've never felt so alone. Anyway I hope to stick around and hear what others have to say and hopefully help along the way too! 

[Butterfly91]

Dear grandma

I can understand what you're going through and it often feels like a struggle to have to consult with a new psychologist again. But sometimes they really do help, especially when you find a good one. 

Have you tried taking a walk or trying some breathing exercises whenever you're feeling anxious?

[Doolhof]

Hi Butterfly,

It is great to catch up with you again! I used to like horse ridingf as well and there are actually three horses on the property next to us, but we don't know the people at all well. I have never seen anyone riding the horses. Maybe one day I will try and have a chat with the people and see what is going on with the horses!

One good thing about enjoying walking is that it hardly costs anything! A good pair of shoes for support and you are pretty well set! I too enjoy walking and am very thankful we live in a country region where I don't have to walk in peak hour traffic all of the time.

You also mentioned you are new to the country, so changing where you are living for what ever reason can have many different effects on a person. We have moved from the city to the country. A good idea, but I still miss a lot of the things from city living and some of my friends think we live so far away now they never visit us, but I am always travelling to see them.

Regarding walking and finding the motivation, can you discover if there are any walking groups in your region? Do you work or study, can you ask people around you if they would like to go walking with you? I would be a lot more enthusiastic with my walking if I had someone with me at times.

 Sounds like finances could be preventing you from seeking all the help you would like regarding your mental health. Have you tried the phone chat lines or the webchat site here at Beyond Blue? Some Church groups and organisations have free counsellors or at least people you can see for a gold coin donation.

You are always welcome here to seek out help and advice, and in turn you may be able to help and advise others. I have benefited greatly by trying to give people my time, attention, suggestions and ideas that may be of some assistance.

It helps me think less of my own problems, and in some ways helps with my own concerns as I think about the advice and thoughts I share with others and how I can incorporate them in to my own wellness.

Try a couple of the phone help lines and see how you get on there!

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Butterfly91]

Dear Mrs Dools

thank you for your reply and for the advice, I really do appreciate it. I've been trying to make small changes and I've been going for bike rides out in the park and even doing that makes me feel a tiny bit better.

i haven't tried the online chat here yet, but I plan to do that soon! 

I know how you feel about being so far from friends and it feels like you're isolated but hopefully you've been able to meet new people that are there and share the same interests?