The Spiral

[ShelbyC]

I want, nope, need to rant a little. I don't even know which category I fit in anymore but i'll post here in the depression section cause I guess that's where it all started and where it will probably all finish.

I was diagnosed with "severe depression" in high school at around the age of 14/15 since then I have been on all the usual anti-depression medications on and off till last year when i was told by a GP that I was misdiagnosed all those years ago ( I'm now 35 ) and what i actually have is Borderline Personality Disorder. I was also informed at that time that Anti-D's were not going to help what i need is constant psychotherapy. 

I've given up seeing doctors when i feel crappy because i expect the answer to always be the same - see a shrink. 

I really cant say that i have a horrible life situation. I'm not homeless, i have money, i have friends and i have a solid job. But no matter what, I always end up not being able to be satisfied. My situation at the moment is that:

I live away from my wife and kids ( 2 step and one my own )
The eldest stepson ( 17 ) moved up here to live with me
I moved away from all my friends to take this job ( which pays really well ) 

I ended up with a shoulder injury which required the use of over the counter pain killers ( containing codeine ). Now i seem to have developed an addiction to them that i cant seem to shake alone. I know its not even a serious drug like heroine, but for me the withdrawals are horrible and i keep giving in and getting back on them. 

Now i find myself once again, losing self esteem rapidly after repeated failures to shake the addiction all while dealing with the long distance relationship with my wife and the isolation of being without my friends. Before i left my home town, i was told by my shrink that this move was a really bad idea even if it fixes our money issues. I now believe her. 

I once wanted to be an advocate for beyond blue ( when i felt like i was beating the years of depression ) but now i find myself on the victim end of depression once again. I feel this wont be my last post here, its probably only just the start, but i needed to vent so maybe i can sleep now. 

Why is it that after 20 years I still cant shake depression when i feel like things are starting to work out. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Shelby

And welcome to Beyond Blue – thank you for coming here also and being able to share your post.

A rant or a vent or an unload are things that are very good to do;  and sometimes just getting things written down can be a bit therapeutic in itself – I hope this has been that way for you.

May I ask how long has it been since you’ve moved away?  And, are you having any kinds of support where you are now?   I think I read that you’re no longer on any anti-depressants?   What about seeing a GP where you are?

I guess your psyche would say that moving away was going to be a bad thing for you – but the fact is, you still had your mental illness where you were (before you moved) – but perhaps the depth of it, has gotten slightly deeper now that you are away from your loved ones and your usual comfortable living environment.  As Christmas is fast approaching, will be able to get back to your family for some time back “home”?

Would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[ShelbyC]

Ive been away from my family now since 05/14. Over christmas ( christmas eve and a few days after ) my wife and kids are flying up but working in the entertainment industry I dont get much in the way of time off except for christmas day itself ... so ill still be working. 

No medical support since I moved up here been too busy with this job and the usual "extra" sleep hours that come with depression. Being a different state ( NT ) Im not even sure how the mental health system even works up here. I was using QLDs mental health plan thing that you get refered into by doctors. 

This addiction seems to be the thing thats breaking me down at the moment. I cant believe I was stupid enough to get myself I  this predicament In the first place. Im usually really careful because I know I have a really addictive personality. 

[Neil_1]

Hi Shelby

Thanx so much for your latest response.

Not sure if you know or not, but on this site, Beyond Blue have a listing of GP’s throughout Australia that can be searched for.  The thing with these guys is that they are all experienced (very) in dealing with mental health issues – whereas, there are doctors out there, who when faced with someone with a mental health condition;  will just write them a script and get them out of their door as quickly as possible.  But these GP’s will provide you with a quality diagnosis, plus if need be they’ll be able to provide you with a referral to a counsellor or psyche in your area – someone specialised who will be able to help.

I mean that’s just a thought for what you might be able to do – as you’ve said that it’s been a while now since you’ve had any kind of medical support and things by the sound of it, aren’t really getting any better for you.  They would be the best people to ask also in regard to your particular addiction that is troubling you as well.

Hopefully I’ve provided at least some things to think about for you.

Please write again.

Neil

[ShelbyC]

I think at this point in my life, im over dealing with medical professionals. I seem to now just be comfortable with the fact that this is who I am. I just need to not get myself into stupid situations that can trigger my depession like this addiction seems to have done. After all these years of depression, I jave learnt that no matter what happens ... when I start feeling super great about where my life is heading ... something, whether situational or caused by myself, will come along and I'll be back to the bottom again.

I know I can keep clawing my way back to a "normal life", ive done it so many times before. But the problem is I know that its just going to happen over and over and I get sick of fighting back again. I hope I dont grt ibto that situation where im so low that I just decide to not fight back once more. 

 Im currently studying my diploma in community services ( to try help others ) but when I cant help myself ... helping others seems pointless. Ive stalled in course progress once again cause of this feeling. 

Thanks for talking with me Neil, I do appreciate the fact that im not venting into thin air.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Neil_1]

Hi Shelby

I’m so pleased that you’ve been able to reply back and is great to hear from you.

I totally understand your thoughts on the continual fighting and clawing your way back – the ongoing battle to try and get on top of this illness;  and yes, it affects us all.   I read that you said you get yourself into stupid situations – I personally wouldn’t have labelled it as that – for I think it’s just your own process of living and going about how you get through your day;  your life.  We make choices, decisions – but for the most part, we make those based on how our brain or mind is reacting to certain situations. 

This is where I don’t believe your situations you’ve got into are stupid – because it is your mind over-ruling you and making those decisions – and your mind is troubled with depression;   so it is the illness that is causing the irritants in your life. 

I know this sounds like a cop-out;  but think about it;  it really isn’t.   If you were honestly thinking straight and positively and had a different view on things, I bet you wouldn’t be in the addictive situation that you’re currently in.   But hey, that’s just my thoughts on all this – but please read through it and see what you think.

I also understand your thoughts on medical professionals;  bad experiences can really leave bad memories and make it difficult to try and try again.  But DO think on this – because I think everyone on here who suffers is of the belief that to get through these awful periods, we simply cannot work through it alone.  No need to get onto it now – but perhaps in the New Year, something to think about?

The crucial thing for me to say to you is:  KEEP fighting.  It isn’t always as bad as it currently is – the fight is hard and difficult, but believe me when I say it is worth it.

Oh and Shelby;  there’s no thin air here – so as long as you’re ok to do so, I would love to keep this going;  for you to keep on posting back.  We’ll be here and only too happy to respond with advice and support.

Kind regards

Neil

[ShelbyC]

So the holidays are now over with, my wife and kids have been and gone, my wife was here for 3 days and the kids for a week before they flew home again too.

It didn't help seeing them for those short days. If anything it made it all worse. They have now gone home and i am left here with the eldest stepson again, which is probably a good thing, i'm less inclined to do anything while he is around. Having kids around has always been the saving grace. 

The drug use is back .... and worse. I spend more of my day "numbing" the pain away and just "not caring". 

I don't know what to do from here. There are rehab clinics up here that help people with mental issues and addiction, but they are catered from people who probably don't have a "regular" life to live still .... like full-time jobs. I don't have any support up here to help me get through the addiction and i dont have the free time to sit in a rehab facility for 6 weeks. I'm lost. 

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[JessF]

Hello Shelby I'm sure you know this already, but if you don't get on top of your addiction then you may start finding it difficult to keep up with your job. Only you will know how bad your addiction is, but a good friend of mine who is an alcoholic did get to a point where he needed to go into a rehab facility - he had already quit his job by that stage.

How much leave do you have available at work? I imagine it isn't 6 weeks, but it may be worth looking into taking the time out so you can get yourself clean. It sounds like it's in your best interests. What do you think?