Looking for hope

[EmiJ]

I guess as my title suggest I am just looking for some hope if there is someone out there who has been through or is like me and it has turned out better for them.
I am a walking embarrassment who absolutely hates and disgusted by myself.

I did age care work for over a year then I left the company because I felt I had humiliated myself and was completely inferior.

I tried a couple of other companies but it was very short-lived because I think I was too comfortable with the first company.

I applied again for the first company and got rejected unfortunately due to health reasons I was unreliable when I worked for and no I don’t think I was the quickest worker and maybe my personality does leave something to be desired.

I have multiple other issues but at the moment I need to be able to hold down a job and unfortunately any other job I get it’s not what I want. I want to go back to that job but now I never can.

it’s not just a job thing. It’s everything I’m getting older fatter and I have no self esteem left .

everything outside of my bedroom in the house I share scares me and sometimes I’m even scared in there. I’m just so mad at myself and I just feel like I don’t even know what I feel like just like everyone’s laughing and judging me

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Very sad post so I hope I can produce a spark you need.

Up till 26yo I was negative as were my family members. So I had low self esteem and felt similar to you. I was awarded a gift from my workplace to attend a motivational speech. I didnt think I'd benefit- it changed my life. The details of that encounter is in this link. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

(you only need to read the first post.)

So, in 30 minutes my life changed. I would from then on see a positive in everything in life. The only drawback is mental or physical illnesses- those issues you have to be patient with and introduce positivity when you are recovering. Trying to motivate yourself when one is entering a bipolar mood doesnt help at all.

So what were the changes? Well-

• If I lost my job I'd take a few days to reassess/recover then boom, onto the job searches.
• I'd be consistent daily, rest yes but for only short periods then reboot my mind
• Daily stare into the mirror and say out loud "I am a good person, I will succeed, I wont allow others to stop my future and progress" 
• Stop worrying - https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808
• Attend your GP to inform them of your state of mind you might have social anxiety
• Buy a new outfit even if its an OP shop one
• Assess your abilities, you are good at something a hobby, sport etc. 
• Move away from negative people that dump onto you their problems (you have enough of yours)
• Google - Prem Rawat Maharaji and watch his youtube videos. I especially like sunset and All is Well

This is a start. You can reply anytime and I'm here daily when I log on I'll see your post and reply. Feel at ease here, you've done really well for a first post.

TonyWK

[sbella02]

EmiJ,

Thank you very much for sharing your story here, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way about yourself. I've struggled with my self-esteem since I was a teen, so your words are ringing very true for me. 

When we have quite low self-esteem, we tend to have thoughts that can sound something like "I am a failure" or "I don't deserve XYZ" or "everyone is laughing at me, they're all judging me". And even though they're just thoughts, they can be really, REALLY powerful in tearing down our self-esteem further. Then, when something bad happens to us, it confirms that view of ourselves (e.g. "I got rejected from this job, therefore I am a failure"). 

It sounds like this may be what's going on for you. I agree with what TonyWK has said, and I'm here to offer my own suggestions from my own life experiences with low self-esteem.

Have you had a chat with a GP, therapist, or psychologist about how you're feeling? It sounds like you could benefit from having some professional insight and support. They may also be able to help you deal with some of those thoughts.

In the meantime, in the next few days, pick an event that happens or a situation that you find yourself in, where one of those self-doubting thoughts comes up. You may start thinking something like "they're all laughing at me", for example. What you can do to help reduce the power that this thought holds over you is to ask yourself what the evidence is that this thought is true, then what the evidence is for this thought being untrue. You may surprise yourself. 

I hope this helps, my other suggestion that I find really helpful when I'm feeling anxious or thinking a lot is journaling - writing it all out can be therapeutic. On that subject, if you have more to say to us here, feel free to write it all out, we're here to listen and support you.

All the best, SB