Completely done

[Guest_07631912]

I’m just so completely defeated by life. I don’t feel I have any strength or drive left. I have been fighting my mental health for so long and have done nearly everything do improve it. I worked so hard to build a life and career. But when life keeps giving you numerous traumatic experiences, you never have a chance to recover from any of it. Now it’s made me so alone and unlovable. No one wants to be around me despite giving everyone my complete loyalty and love and anything I can give I do, I sacrifice my own health and happiness for others and it’s still never enough because “I have a negative outlook on the world” like 27 years of trauma won’t do that? And it’s my fault? But it doesn’t matter how much you recover people still view you as damaged goods and the only people that stick around are the people that know they can keep draining me of my resources because I would do anything to be a good person and do the right thing by others. Genuine human connection is what I need so badly but it’s the one thing I can never get. The only person in my entire life that I thought was seeing me as my whole self, and accepted me for who I am turned out to be just like everyone else and discarded me without a second thought. I am so insignificant to everyone. If I died tomorrow, only my dad would care. So I don’t see how I am meant to keep going everyday, feeling like I’m suffocating under the weight of complete rejection from the whole world. Nothing makes me happy anymore and my job and hobbies all seem pointless. Whats the point in anything when you have no friends, only people that use you and the guy you thought was your soulmate was nothing more than the wishful thinking that someone would be empathetic enough to hold the space for me to learn to trust people again. I can’t keep hoping things will change when every year something worse happens and I’m even more alone and broken than before. You can only pick yourself up so many times. I don’t know how people can just go on. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

[Kenapela]

I'm sorry your going going through this torment. It's hard to look beyond when you keep getting knocked down. I'm feeling pretty much the same at the moment, and I use the words 'at the moment' because I'm positive nothing is permanent. I have to hang on and have hope that I have a future.

I'm 63yrs old. I thought by now life would be fairer for me but I'm one of those people that cop alot of crap. Like you it keeps getting worse. I too have had the shock of being discarded and misunderstood. It's an incredibly lonely place to be in.

There so much more I could tell you but our holes are deep enough.I asked myself the question and I do want to live. I decided I do want that. I don't hate myself. I hate what keeps happening to me. I do deserve to have joy in my life even though I'm struggling most of it. I agree it's hard to keep picking yourself up but it's essential to keep striving. There are good moments be it few in between. I've little choice but to keep going, keep trying. Not for anybody else. For me. Its all for me now. It's important that I improve for myself. I started exercising and eating better. Just small things. Just for me. I'm now looking for the things I like. I know I sound selfish but it's really about saving me. I suggest you just try looking inside. Looking for ways and things that would make your brain light up. Just keep trying. Sending you strength. Jen