It wasn't supposed to be like this

[Kassa81]

Hi,

I don't reallyknow where to begin. ....i have struggled with depression on and off for years.  At least about 15.....i have been on and off medication and am currently meant to be taking some but have to go back and get a script from my gp. 

I am usually happy to take my meds but sometimes i get sick of them. ....

For as long as i can remember i wanted to get married have children and be a stay at home mum.  After 4 years of trying we finally got pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  I finished work and have been a stay at home mum ever since.  (Just over 2 years)

 I adore my daughter and wouldn't change her for the world. 

I guess the best to describe how i feel is trapped.  I have multiple layers of guilt.  I feel guilty for not being a working mum,  i would feel guilty if i worked.  I feel bad that i don't get all the house work done and feel like i don't spend enough time with bub. 

I am exactly where i want to be but still miserable.  I feel like my husband doesn't  care or get how i feel.  Some days all i can manage is feeding my daughter and i.....

[Mangof]

Good morning Kassa81 welcome to the BB group thanks for posting it takes bravery to do so to people that don't know you I'm glad you did. Firstly congrats on becoming parents after trying for so long that's awesome! And I can tell you are a great mum, please don't feel guilty for not working I too had to give up work,because of of being diagnosed with depression and anxiety it drove me to tears to start with but my hubby was supportive in reminding me that sometimes "less means more" I now fill my days with jobs that show my family how much I love them, like a chocolate cake waiting for afternoon tea it's the small things that mean a lot,the kids love me being home when they get home from school and work something they missed earlier on growing up, if I could turn back the clock I would have spent a lot more time with them as babies. Medication, now here's where I say to you a happy wife is a happy life and if it helps you become a better mum and wife then make sure you take them we as parents have a full time job and being on top of medications just helps us cope a lot better. When I'm feeling low it's hard to do the basics like washing etc so I just choose a couple of things and that's ok! And I know how hard those two things can be to get done, don't sweat the small stuff focus on you and baby first but remember that a partnership with your husband is so important make time for just you and him, a cuddle and a cuppa when baby is asleep, play your favourite movie or music let him know how much you appreciate that he goes to work for his family. I hope this is of help. 

I'm sure there are many women who would love to be at home with the children but for reasons they can't so enjoy every moment being a at home mum watching your beautiful daughter laugh and giggle, sleep and grow treasures that just make our day wonderful.

wishing you all the best

stay happy

Mangof

[Neil_1]

Hi there Kassa

And like Mangof before me, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for providing your post.

Mangof has provided a really helpful and positive response back to you and I hope that you were able to find some good points to pluck out of that – and that’s from someone who’s been there and done that.  (Oh and the thought of coming home to chocolate cake sounds mouth-wateringly yummy).

I’d just like to chip in with a couple of things as well.

Firstly, please DO get back to your gp so you can get that script for your medication – and then begin to take them again (and just make it routine, so it becomes like brushing your teeth, or knowing how to drive) – it becomes 2nd nature.  If you go on them and then off and back on, and off again, there is no consistency with it and so the meds won’t be able to become established enough in your system to be of the benefit that they should be for you.

Also, I have no doubt that you are doing an awesome job as a Mum and that your beautiful little girl is being loved, adored, cared for and all the rest that a wonderful Mum does.

I’m also not sure what you think about this idea – but as winter IS behind us (well, almost) and spring is just around the corner, the weather is warming up a bit – how about popping your daughter in a stroller and going out for a bit of a wander along the street for a while.  Just for a short while, if you’re not used to that – and then every day or every second day, slowly build it up so you’re going a bit further each time.  Also, you never know what sights you may see so you can show your daughter along the way?   But doing this will also help build up fitness and being fit does make a big difference to how we feel each and every day.

Just a thought.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Kassa, well thank you so much for posting your comment, as it's never easy to post your first comment.

I hope that you can accept what I am about to say and not to discard them, because I feel as though you are punishing yourself and not giving yourself any leverage at all, well I don't think that you should do this to yourself.

Being a new mum has a great deal of responsibility, and actually it's a full time job, one which is not recognised, it's by no means a 9 to 5 job it's 24/7 and you will be able to continue on working and earning money when your daughter can be looked after or when she goes to kindergarden.

Goodness me time passes so quickly and please don't feel guilty, because your position/job is a very important one, to raise your daughter especially after waiting 4 years of bad luck, and now she's 2, so it won't be long before she can go to school/kindergarden.

Be proud of achieving what you and your husband were always planning, and lets face it 'how can anyone keep a house tidy with a youngster', you clean up and then it's a mess again, it's impossible and you should not punish yourself if the house is not up to standard. L Geoff. x

[Flora]

Hi Kassa81,

Guilt is a horrible thing and can definitely make you feel trapped. I think you should try to ease up on yourself (I know it's easier said than done) and instead of focussing on what you haven't done or what you feel you should have done, focus on what you have achieved (which, being a mother, is no doubt a lot every day). Remember your main job as a mum is to keep your children alive and love them, which it sounds like you're doing.

When I think about my mum, I realise that the reason I love her and appreciate her so much is because she's always loved me, deeply and unconditionally, not because she ironed or did the dishes. 

Also, being a stay at home mum doesn't mean it's your job to do all the housework on your own. Maybe you need to ask your partner for some help around the house? 

Having an understanding and supportive partner has been extremely important for my depression and anxiety, and I think this might be something worth focussing on for you.

Do you see a psychologist? If not, it might be worth getting your GP to refer you to one. And perhaps your husband could attend a session with you so someone with the right knowledge and words can explain to him what you're going through and how he can help. When you're depressed it's not always easy to know how you're feeling, let alone articulate it to someone else. 

Really hope you find some peace and remember: Guilt is for people who are doing bad things, not for mothers who are trying to raise a family, run a house and manage depression! 🙂

[Kassa81]

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your reply 🙂

I have started walking to get better and today i made an appointment with a new dietician. I do try to stay on my meds but sometimes i just start thinking maybe i can handle it on my own as i would prefer not to be on medication for the rest of my life.

My daughter had a bit of a rough start as far as eating and throwing up were concerned. I try to put her in the pram but she ends up just screaming the whole way and to be honest most days i can't handle it.

 I have a treadmill and am trying to get  back into that which will be easier now as bubs has finally starting sleeping 2 hours during the day.

I have started to do more activities with her on a daily basis which is also helping. I am so glad I finally joined a forum as I really find very few people who understand me and find myself screaming like a banchie some days.

Karen

[Kassa81]

Hi Mangof,

Thank you for your reply so much.

I do question a lot if i am doing the right thing for my daughter and so have started to do more activities for her and getting some art things sorted for her.

I definitely find house work overwhelming some days and try to explain it to my husband but he doesn't get it. I do try to organise date nights but hubby is so stressed most of the time that he won't talk to me or he just doesn't enjoy himself.

I tell him all the time that i appreciate him going out to work but i just want him to talk to me when he gets home. I know he is tired but so am i and honestly it would be nice to have some adult company occassionaly without having to go see a girlfriend.

I like the idea of baking....:)

Kas

[Kassa81]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your reply!!! It has definitely made me smile 🙂

Kas

[Kassa81]

Hi Flora,

Thank you so much!! I am actually going to talk to my gp about a psychologist when i see her.

I have tried to talk to my husband but he doesn't seem to get it and really thinks that i am blaming him. You are right it is really hard to articulate how i feel sometimes.

 Thank you so much for the lovely things you said 🙂 It's nice to know that love is the best thing as I can definitely do that for my daughter.

Kas

[Neil_1]

Hi there Karen

Hey, great to hear back from you and also, ‘thank you’ for providing a lovely reply to everyone who posted to you.  That was really lovely of you.

I’m pleased to hear that you are conscious of the fitness aspect and that you have a treadie as well – I do too and it’s just been so very convenient when the weather has been crap.  But even more so for you, due to having your little one close by.

It’s always a tough thing to discuss with the partner – about how difficult things are and to get them to (a) understand and (b) accept.  If it continues along that way, I’d be suggesting that if he doesn’t understand and makes you feel bad about it, then pose him the question of “taking up my role for a day” and see how you like it?   Karen, I’m not meaning to sound harsh there at all towards hubby – it’s just that this seems to be an issue for you, as I’ve read it in a couple of your responses back.

I do like the suggestion you made about trying to organise even a date night – or perhaps even trying to get a movie, that you both might enjoy and to put that on after the little one goes down for the evening?

Again, great to hear back from you.

Neil