Bipolar, borderline personality and PTSD

[Billy66]

Hi all

I am new to the forums and have been reading them for a while but have been to too nervous to respond. I have 3 young adult children and a grandson who I adore. I work as a nurse in what can be a very stressfull environment. I haven't been at work for the last 2 months as I have been in hospital with a depressive phase of my bipolar. I got out of hospital yesterday and have today found out from my case manager that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality as well. 

I'm it hard to work out how I can be diagnosed with this while I am depressed. I have a great GP who is so supportive and a case manager in the community.  I have been assigned to a new psychiatrist who I'm not keen on but am willing to give him a try. 

Even with this support I feel like I am struggling all the time. I have no friends and have disowned my family. Does anyone have any suggestions

hope you all have a happy day

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy

Firstly, for where I am, it’s so cold and foggy, that I’d like to extend to you a very warm welcome to Beyond Blue and to also thank you so much on being able to come here and provide your post.  As you say, you were nervous to initially post (as so many new posters do find), but I hope that after a little while, you’ll feel far more comfortable in being able to be here and respond and post again.   This is such a supportive and caring place and everyone is shown the same level of care, respect and support.

Do you get to see your own children very often, and stemming from that, is your grandson fairly close by also?   Spending time with family can be a very positive and helpful thing, but I do wonder about your comment of “… and have disowned my family.”  Are you referring to your children here or other members of your family?

Now you say you have no friends – ok, so do you have acquaintances, like the people who you work with, like you kind of get along with at work?

Also there’s no mention of a husband – I hope I’m not being too nosey here, but just wishing to find out what other sources of support you have.

It’s also very encouraging to read that you’ve got a great GP – that is a huge bonus, and when you say case manager – are they like a counsellor for you?   Was it your GP who referred you to this psychiatrist and do you know a bit about them, hence your aversion to seeing them?

I’m hearing you loud and clear also, where you say that even with this support you feel like everything is still a struggle – and indeed it can be, so you’re not on your own with this.  That’s why this illness is so difficult to deal with – we put in so much work and effort  and yet, we can still find things so difficult.  You’ve not spoken about any down-time or ‘me-time’ – are you able to get out and do things that you like or LOVE to do?    Any physical kind of activity – anything of this variety can be a huge boost to the system as well.

Sorry, I think I’ve asked too many questions, but I do hope you can respond back;  it’d be great to hear from you again.

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil

thanks for your post. it made me happy. I've been divorced for a long time and dont have contact with my parents or siblings. they weren't supportive when i told them about things from my childhood. 

i have 2 dogs - a jack russell and a shitzu and enjoy talking them to the beach which is close by but my anxiety has stopped me doing this for about 6 months. My younger 2 kids still live at home with me although they lead busy lives and aren't home much. I am happy about this cause they are happy. my oldest daughter lives close by with her partner and my grandson. I see them regularly. I try not to tell them too much of my struggle as I dont want them to worry. I get along with my work 'mates' however dont socialise with them. Having said that some of them visited me in hospital. 

My anxiety prevents me from doing so much. I wrote a list a few days a ago of things that I want to get back to doing before I got sick this time. things like fishing and camping. 

my case manager has been trying to be my counciller. she and my phsychiatrist are through our local community health service.

anyway enough about my struggle. I will take on board your advice and look forward to hearing more from you

thsnks again

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi Billy

Great to hear back from you.

I’m sorry to hear that things have turned not so good with your parents and siblings – that’s so sad when you hear of things like this.  Internal family hassles can be very traumatic and even nasty.  I can understand you not wishing to maintain contact – as a child, that’s when you NEED to have family who are there for you and later, to be not supportive about whatever it was;  that’s not good to hear at all.    Sorry for actually talking about it, but I did at least want to acknowledge it with you.

Oh boy, you have two little dogs AND you live near a beach.   We’re about 2 hours away from the coast and my daughter always wants me to get the dogs into the car and take them to the beach, and as awesome as that would be, our Jack Russell/Kelpie cross is wonderful, but he’s way too full of beans when he gets in the car.  We can only go short distances with him, so to take him to the coast would be a journey of epic proportions. 

I do hope that you might be able to feel in a better place soon;   just better enough so you can get your two puppies down to the beach – to choose a lovely sunny and calm day with no wind, so it’ll be more enjoyable for you.

I’d imagine that your children would have been very concerned though for when you were in hospital – and stemming from that, they’d be hopefully a bit more worried and supportive of you around the house?

That is great though to read how your children seem to be busy and happy in their lives – as a parent, it’s something that we are very concerned about as they grow up and worry that they’ll ‘be ok’ as they enter early adult-hood, etc.  I’m only just getting to that stage;   have a 17yo son and a 14yo daughter, but at this stage, they both are very well grounded and, I have to say this, wonderful kids.

You’ve actually beaten me to the punch – by saying that you’ve already produced a list of things that you’d like to get back and do – fishing and camping to name just two, and that is absolutely awesome.  That’s a huge positive sign, that you’ve been able to do this – just to sit down and write it out.   And hope there’s even littler goals as well that you can set for yourself – whatever they might be.  Little goals are great cause they’re little so you can achieve them and then it does make you feel better;  something I’ve picked up along my journey.

I would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Scarlet72]

Hi Billy66,

you've been through a lot recently but writing on this forum is a very positive move for you. I too have a dog and on my down days I take him to the beach close by home, it lifts my spirit to see him run around , free and innocent, pets are so good for our recovery, the unconditional love, maybe your children could go to the beach with you and the dogs, just for a short time to begin with. 

Good luck Billy66

scarlet72

[Billy66]

Hi Neil and scarlett

Thanks for your posts

it would be fun to take your dog in the car to the beach- I had a good laugh when I read that - taking my 2 the 1 km to the beach is fraught with peril too with them both jumping front seat to back and hanging out the window. It probably does't help when I stir them up by telling them constantly 'going to the beach' which they understand. 

Yesterday was a good day as I did take my puppies to the beach - I was able to talk myself out of the usual panic attack and spent 30 minutes in the beautiful sun and sand. 

I've had many stays in the mental health unit at our hospital and generally they have been awful experiences but the nurses and OT's were mostly great this time. Have you been in hospital with your mental health issues and if so what we're your experiences like? I did some stupid things when on gate leave from hospital which kept me there for longer which is why I don't like the physchiatrist as he made me feel like an idiot. 

How long have you had had depression? Do either of you have other mental health issues like anxiety and how do you deal with them it.

I'm allowed to go back to work part time next week so that's good but scary too. Do you work and how do you manage when you are unwell?

Its a beautiful sunny day again here in Nth Qld so I'm going to attempt another trip to the beach

I hope you have a lovely day and thanks again for your support

Billy66

[Neil_1]

Hi there Billy

Great to hear from you and also, Scarlett, great to read your response.  The lives of loved dogs hey?   No wonder they always are looking forward to seeing us.  They do really raise the spirits;  it’s a beautiful thing.  As you can see from my pic, that’s little Tess – my Mum’s much loved dog, and the best decision I ever made, after Mum passed away – to take Tess with us and look after her.  She’s an absolute dream – she’s now 16yo, but is now so much more mobile than she was when we got her, cause Mum was so ill with the cancer, that she just wasn’t able to look after her as well as she used too.

I cuddle and pat Tess every day – it’s so hard not too.

Billy, that was awesome to read about you being able to get the dogs to the beach – 30 mins, fantastic –  set little goals, meet them and feel damn proud of yourself afterwards AND during.

I’ve just jogged past 50 and I think I’ve had depression for pretty much all of my adult life.  I also suffer anxiety and ptsd – so am on 3 different kinds of meds to help me get through each day and for the most part they all work.  I have a psychiatrist that I see, a psychologist, my gp, I exercise every day, drink loads of water each day, have my own set routines that I have in place pretty much each day, that doesn’t cause me anxiety or stress.  I guess I’ve lived with it for so long now, I know my reactors and it’s more of a matter of having routines in place where you are able to keep yourself protected.  What I mean by this, is I go to the gym 6 days a week and there I feel ‘safe’ as it’s a sanctuary there – I’m in there lifting weights and helping to ease tension at the same time.

My other sanctuary is home.

I do work and this is another good distraction – I’m part-time, still 30 hours per week, and this I can manage.

It’s good to hear that you’re able to get back to some part time work soon – as I said, it can be a good distraction, as long as it’s a good environment for you – good people, ok work, etc.  As it can occupy the mind for a number of hours.

Try and do other searches, perhaps under my name, back a couple of years, and you might find more about my story, if you were bored and needed some thing to help you get off to sleep at night.  🙂

Sounds a lovely spot of Australia where you live.   Hope you have a really super weekend.

Neil

[Billy66]

Hi Neil

thanks for your reply. Your dog looks very cute and is the same colour as our Shitzu 'Kujo'. Do you have to clip yor dog or is she short haired? We have to get ours clipped at the vets as she has to be sedated as she turns nasty and for a little dog her teeth do a lot of damage. 

I'm sorry about your mum. As a nurse I look after a lot of people with cancer and their families. It is such a terrible thing. I work in the community with older people which can be very rewarding and sometimes quite sad. It's great that you can work part time. I to use my job as a distraction but fall into the trap of over working and burning out regularly. I have a good boss who picks up on my mood and gives me a kick up the bum and tells to slow down. Work should be OK to go back to now as the girl who was bullying me has resigned while I was sick. So it should be OK.

Fitting in gym 6 days a week and working must make you feel good. I was going to the gym most nights with my daughter who was helping me with my anxiety even though she didn't know it until it became too much. It also became to expensive as I was paying for my daughter too. She is now doing body building and will be in her first competition soon. It makes her happy which is good as she has had depression in the past as well. 

Hope you are having a great day. I am going to attempt to go to the beach now. It's a beautiful sunny day but windy and about 22 degrees which is cold for us.

take care

Billy66

[Scarlet72]

Hi Neil and Billy,

thank you both for your very helpful advise and support. It's good to hear how our beloved pooches are getting us out and about. My dog also hangs out of the window and howls as we approach the beach, he too understands 'the beach' took my small terrier to the beach this afternoon, it was cold and windy but refreshing to be out. I decided to be brave and take my dog with me into the pet store and he tried to attack a bunny rabbit in a cage on the floor, I guess that's the terrier 'hunter' instinct!! People moved out of my way to the cash till! 

I haven't had any admissions to hospital, feel I am in the early stages of my diagnosis and treatment, low dose medication and seeing a psychologist. I work full time and this is my greatest struggle as my employer does not know about my depression, I have had 5 different managers in the past 12 months so this has made it difficult to discuss in confidence and feel supported. I know I need to discuss my situation with work soon as understanding and support can be vital to recovery. 

I feel reassured and comforted by these forums, what a great source of support for us all.

thanks again

scarlet 

[Billy66]

Hi Scarlett and Neil

hope you are both having a good day. Scarlet, like you I found it hard to talk to my team leader as they kept resigning all the time. I am lucky to have a good support from our manager who I was able to be honest with and it has made it better at work. It is very hard to know who you can trust but as I found particularly as a health professional I needed to be honest otherwise I was making the stigma around mental illness worse. I am in no way saying this is possible for everybody. When I go back to work this week I am going to tell my team where I have been for 2 months and why. I don't know what the reaction will be but I'm hoping it will be OK. I'm doing this to make people aware of the illness and that people who have any mental illness can lead normal lives.

Have you shared your feelings with your family? They can be supportive as well. I have shared some of my struggles with my kids but don't like to tell them too much about my demons as they worry. All my kids have had depression at some point so I keep a close eye on them to make sure that they don't keep things bottled up. I think it has brought my little family closer.

do you both get along with your psycologist? I had one that was good a couple of years ago but she left town so now I don't have one. I think it must be expensive as we'll. Medication is expensive as well but I guess it's important.

The footy has just started. Do either of you enjoy the footy. It's one of the few things I love no matter what my mood is usually.

enjoy what's left of the weekend and have a good monday!

Billy66