lost faith, spark and enthusiasim, tired of trying things i think will help but feel I do not fit to this world!

[Spinifex]

Hello all,

First time here, 50 years old, been treated for depression for many years, medication since 1999, tried a few classes of drug treatment, . Seen many psychologists, social workers a few clinical psychiatrists and have a terrible history of not coping.I am on my third marriage and the writing is on the wall, I also can not hold jobs, too much pressure or weird anxiety due to bosses peer pressure, I self medicate with xxxx beer nightly approx. 6 only per night now. have gone off my meds due to been psychologically castrated, I tried to run my own small business but could not keep the customers even though I was good at my job, just found it all too hard and cringed when phone rang consequently now bankrupt. .Great now I am a loser too boot!

Moved closer too the ocean to allow healing I thought but feel lost in the society and life direction. I am beginning to wonder why what and what for, I know I do not fit in social circles with successful people because I have not achieved the neighbourhood status and have become meek and disillusioned. I feel no joy and sick of the usual she will be right mate attitude. I have tried cognitive therapy and mind tricks and so on and so on and so on.

My question is to those who can identify with my true  electronic open heart surgery " inspection" what can I do realistically when I not only feel like a failure I have become one with out a doubt, even when I choose to think differently those dark feelings still seem to rule and when I challenge them I find its all my fault, my perception my inadequacies and my wrong thinking. Doctors come and go like the ocean tides as their training placements has been met, pleading your case is an effort and a burden to relive. Is their help? Is the psychotropic drugs prescribed the answer, is their a real chemical imbalance or must I wear blinkers like a race horse so I can function in the system and society.

I feel Mad as a hatter with out the magic tea...that might be me problem after all.

look forward to meeting some one who I can connect with as this is really my last resort I guess! " no that's not blackmail"

Cheers, Mick

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Mick,

Thanks for reaching out to BB and welcome.

I'm sorry that you've been going through a rough time and it sounds like you've been through the ringer trying to do things and feel better.  

May I ask what happened when you tried to see the psychologists and psychiatrists?  CBT can actually be a really helpful practice if you can find the right person to connect with. I can see from your post that you are calling yourself a loser and a failure which is incredibly unhelpful and not at all true.  I don't see any evidence there to see that you are a loser or a failure.

I don't think that drugs are the only answer, but they can certainly be very helpful for some people especially temporarily.

I'm also interested to know what it is that you feel you're missing to make you try and see specialists and move to the ocean. Unfortunately you can move as far away as the North Pole but our problems and issues lie in our head so they'll follow us anywhere.  What is it that you feel you need to make you happy?

Food for thought anyways.  Take care and remember that you aren't alone here.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mick,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. Sure sounds like you are beating yourself up big time right now. I have been there and done that as well! It doesn't really get me anywhere, except further into the hole of depression and stress.

Don't give up. Where there is life there is still hope. Yer, I know you are probable sick of all those clichés, but some of them are worth listening to and trying to make them work in your life.

Am I right in believing that you are in an area where there is a high turn over of Doctors? Is it possible to find a Dr that has been in the region for a while so you will have continuity?

I do believe there are people who suffer from a real chemical imbalance. Without medication, I am a real mess and end up being hospitalised to keep myself and the community safe! Ha.Ha. Then the Dr needs to find a medication that will helpfully help me feel more balanced.

My husband also tried to make a go of a business and it didn't work. I do not regard him as a failure. He stepped out there and tried to make a go of it. He had the vision, the guts and the determination to try it. He did something. It didn't work, now he has to move on and see what else is out there for him.

We are both 50 and I know how difficult it is for people of our age to find employment!

Please don't think you need to keep up with the "Jonses" to be a worthwhile person. You are Mick, and no one else can be you. You are here for a purpose. You have meaning and a right to be here just as much as anyone else.

Grab a piece of paper and write down the positive things in your life. You may not be able to come up with many right now, but think about it over a week and see what you come up with . Even if you write down one nice thing for each day that will be a start.

Regarding your marriage, relationships are not always easy. See if there is some relationship counselling in your region. Maybe Relationships Australia. Some churches offer counselling at reduced prices or even for free and you don't need to be a Christian to attend.

Take a walk along the beach with your wife. You don't need to talk, just walk along and enjoy the moment.

Work in the garden if you have one. Try and grow something that will give you a sense of achievement.

Ask your wife to join you for a coffee and cake somewhere and talk about the weather.

Think about what you would like to do tomorrow.

Cheers form Lauren

[white knight]

Hi Mick

Two great replies there.

Re: Mrs Dools comment "Please don't think you need to keep up with the "Jonses" to be a worthwhile person." I detected some things in your post that suggest you compare yourself to other sin society. I don't think that's right. And you have an expectation to get along with others. No right either.

I too tried 3 small businesses and the stress got to me.

We cant all get along with the majority of people in society. We cant all communicate effectively or blend in. We can all be leaders or organisers. But we can be ourselves.

Prior to dating my current wife, about 5 years ago, I seriously had the strong urge to retreat from society to find a small cabin in the mountains away from the hussle and bussle. A place with few neighbours etc etc. But, I found the right compromise, half way there, a little larger than a cabin and 3 nearby neighbours. It worked. But I have also implemented boundaries for myself. I Do not involve myself with local politics, fund raisers, clubs like lions or rotary, even sausage sizzles and the like. I know my past history of these things allow too much access to other people that invariably upset me. I restrict my chatter to others I bump into long enough for them to not think I'm rude but no longer. However I have a high input here on this forum and I reach out to some victims of crime and locals that are in need like the elderly. So I do my community bit but not as a team...by myself instead.

This expression of kindness manifests itself into a feeling of doing good. That in turn helps my confidence. Locals know of my kind heart and have high regard for me, it feels good. I live in a town of only 200 people, the largest nearby town 4000 people, large enough for medical care, supermarket etc. Its ideal.

So this ambition all commenced about 25 years ago. The aim, to reduce stress, find my "home" and marry the girl of my dreams. I strived to find the life I now have. Unfortunately I see many people waste away their chances, lack confidence to make changes and feel they have no hope. But they do.

I also tried CBT and it didn't work for me. I had psychiatrists and the same answer. I am on meds but it took 12 types to find the right one. In effect I've done everything to minimise the effects from my ongoing illness.

However if we go about our lives comparing our success on "typical success" we will be disappointed. Do what you can and find contentness. Hope this helped.

Tony WK

[Juggler]

HI Spinifex

I could relate to a lot of your post sorry I do not have answers. I am just posting because I loved the replies there was just one thing people seem to think you see yourself as a  loser I really did not get that feeling from your post. What I picked up was that is how you will be labeled by others so not matter what your own beliefs are it is a label you must wear and that is something I totally can understand. People are judgmental and as hard as I try to say sod them their opinions do not matter they do get to me still. As I say that is what I took from your posts and if that is what you meant your not alone in that feeling. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Juggler,

I agree with you. Sometimes it is hard to not allow what other people say about us to hurt us and affect us.

I know I do this too often. I take things to heart all too easily and that then affects how I feel about myself. So I need to try hard to realise that other people's negative opinions of me do not mean that is how I actually am!

Self esteem and self worth are so valuable.

One good thing with this forum, is that people are generally not judgemental here!

Thanks for sharing.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Sujema]

Hi Tony WK,

I am also new to this forum, and like Mick, am weary of trying to find ways to healing. I feel I am losing hope.  

My Resistant Major Depression diagnosis is connected to an Auto immune Disease and a related Neuro illness.

I found your post inspiring, particularly about the emotional rewards of service to others. I am struggling with profound fatigue and migraines, and I look forward to feeling well enough to help others.    

 I have fallen into the trap of self loathing, shame and interpreting a family member's lack of support and indifference as a sign of my unworthiness or  'less than', which I know in my heart is unhelpful for my healing.

As an artist I long to feel creative impulse and energy again, to feel joy.  More frequently I am finding it hard to find a reason to keep going in a state of permanent grief.

Sorry WK, really struggling at the moment.  But I really thank you for your inspirational post.

[Spinifex]

Thank you Lauren,

Very kind thoughtful and inspiring reply, thanks for your support here.

I actually do the walk on the beach and try to clear my mind and hone in to my true spirit as much as possible. I still find my self in a bubble so to speak and watch with great interest at the crowds of people as they flock to the family areas and prepare for lunch in amazement at their seemingly apparent happiness. It is then I also reflect on what it is, that truly makes me happy "Mick"  that is, and what I resonate with and who I resonate with as I walk past the many people along the beach walk. 

The Journey regarding my current marriage and its future depends on a mutual understanding and respect for each other, again on reflection on this matter, it is the terrible feeling that if something is wrong as in "mentally depressed", I sometimes want to pull the pin on my marriage because I do not want two people " my wife and I" to be immersed and drown with despair and hope that my wife can live a happy life. We are still working on this and there is hope but we can do our best and see how it pans out. We have coffee and sit together and chat around the beach café when we can.

In my case I am still off the medications due to unwanted side effects which is also not helpful when in a relationship. I am kind of proud that I am off them but can not help myself thinking do I need to put the blinkers back on so I can just get on with life!

Upon reading your response and others, thankyou all!! the greatest thing is its good to come to a forum of like minded people such as your selves to voice our concerns.

With my past experiences with councillor's and therapists I found sometimes I could put them in the chair instead. lol. "its so clinical", so to speak, that I get more help from self help books, when I can actually muster the energy to read more than a paragraph or two!

 I will take each day as it comes and will respond to all posts and my gratitude is immense for your listening and responsive posts.

Have a great day!

Mick  

[Spinifex]

Hi Tony WK,

Thankyou for your reply I too share a lot of your thoughts and feelings.

I find because when you get to being 50 years age you have a lot of life experience but the negative side is that negative prompter self sabotage thought process, that thrives in the dark swamp of confusion and anxiety." even after CBT sessions" I finally realised that when one is actually depressed you can not see the forest from the trees " so to speak"   and the ability to break that pattern, to me means that you have to be a master guru and retreat to a cave in Tibet or something! It is then sometimes the reality of how deep and troubled you are that you have reached a milestone in ones age and than despair and anxiety increases and again harder to pull your self up.

I am feeling great that I can reach out here and I resonate with people who have difficulty like in my case, mixing comfortably in social gatherings and events, due to that underlying feeling that I do not just fit in. " that feeling to hide and be a loner". Also the fact I have to work on that failure with the joneses thing!

Its great to hear that other people are inspired to your reply and helps me to soldier on also!

Look forward to talking with you guys soon!

Cheers Mick

[Spinifex]

Hi Juggler,

Thanks for your reply, yes you are spot on and identify indeed that I have great difficulty in social circles that I am not accepted or approved and looked upon due to my position in life and obvious failures as such. It does want to make me run away to some real quiet lonely place but alas how much loneliness can I take before going mad.

Living with a partner and having to socialise at family functions, while they are all talking about their assets or material gains innocently mind you!  I some times find all their family pets hang around me like long lost friends and feel that the animals have it figured out and what it really means to be happy indeed. The world is designed to have that car to get that job and to pay for the fuel and pay the bills and get into debt to be part of the system. But even the rich have their issues and finally realise that their material status is an illusion and some of their so called friends are just associates living and preying on their existence.

I know I think too much, but thankyou for reaching out buddy!!

I hope you can get a positive vibe knowing that I feel better from reading your reply  you gave me.

Have a great day!

Cheers, Mick