It all gets too much

[HelenM]

For a few weeks now I've been on an okay level. Once I'm out and about life's been okay. Suddenly it's changed for no good reason.

On and off I've had sleep problems with my depression and in the early days they caused me horrendous problems. If my sleep plays up I can become quite distressed.

On Thursday night I had problems getting to sleep. Then I kept waking and sleeping. So much so that on Friday I couldn't go to the charity shop where I help because I felt so rubbish. So on Friday night I took a sleeping tablet. Then last night I slept with nothing. Well I got 3and half hours. In Scotland it's midday now. I'm just crying and crying. My mind has gone crazy on me. I feel I've been shot down from the sky. Last week I had a couple of fantastic times and suddenly it's all gone. The sleep problem is all psychological but now I've got to try to get it back on track. 

Please could people answer as I don't want to ring my friends. My husband knows but is fairly dismissive and I don't want to talk to my family or anyone. I don't know why. 

The other week LING said she wanted to give up. We can't though. But I just wish it were possible because I feel so miserable.

Any support would be helpful.

Thanks, Helen

[White_Rose]

My Dear Helen

No we cannot give up even though it seems such a wonderful solution. No more pain! I know I have been tempted by this so much recently. But it's really an illusion and it's also a way to try and control our lives. In a perverse way when we have made a decision such as this, whether the intention is real or not, life becomes just that little bit easier to manage. There is this certainty and we can use it if life gets too dreadful. That's where the feeling of control comes in. And maybe it gives us a little more strength, courage, determination or whatever to carry on for a little while longer.

Helen, as you said to me, your posts are so full of hope and help for others. Why is it we find it so difficult to help ourselves? My strategy is to give myself a time limit. Wait one hour, then wait another hour, or whatever time frame you can manage. Eventually you get past the overwhelming urge and can start back on the path.

Depression is such a hard taskmaster. The rules keep changing and we keep running to catch up. I would love to be with you and to hold your hand. Please consider that metaphorically I am with you.

Crying is exhausting but sometimes it is cathartic. Trying to stop the tears is probably using more energy than crying. So cry and then sleep. I suspect that there has been a trigger for your slide but you have not been able to identify it. If it is not too painful, can you go over your actions prior to this episode? You may be able to pinpoint the trigger and work on why it was so painful.

I am sorry your husband is not able to help you at this time. I have been separated for some years now so I have to manage alone, but I am convinced that were I still with my husband he would be certain to tell me to stop being so silly and grow up. Perhaps it is easier when you have no expectations.

As you say, sleep loss is a result of depression, but it doesn't help much to know that. Are you due to see your psych soon? If not can you make an appointment? It would be good to talk about this with someone very soon. It's so hard when you are OK and suddenly crash. Are there any organisations such as BB or Lifeline in Scotland that you can phone for help and comfort? It may help.

I rarely want to talk to my family when I feel like this. My siblings are in England, which makes it expensive and my children find it difficult to understand. So write here to us or phone a helpline.

LING

[HelenM]

Hi LING

Thank you for answering. I probably slipped because of exhaustion. If I overdo things then my brain gets very tired and it affects my mood. I'd seen my daughter and 2 grandsons on the Tues and Thurs. I love them but find being with them really exhausting. Even at my best I have to be careful about how much I do. 

Here we have the Samaritans as a helpline, I've often rang them just for a chat and may do later. Normally I go to see a good friend but occasionally it doesn't feel it would help me.About 6 weeks ago I was really scared for about a week and didn't want to visit my friend then. The fear went away and I settled down. 

I really appreciate your kindness. People who have been through this really understand. My husband is normally v good but I think he's so used to my fluctuations that he doesn't take it that seriously. 

How are you keeping? Are you any better?

[AGrace]

Hi Helen, 

I can relate to how you're feeling. Usually sleep is the first thing that impacts me. Without it we tend to struggle with irritability. 

You mentioned you'd taken sleeping tablets in the past,  can you start taking these again? It's not nice to go back on tablets but sometimes we do need them. 

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Helen, we never know when these times of depression can hit us again, and I'm sorry that it has returned to you, but what I do like is what LING said 'Trying to stop the tears is probably using more energy than crying'.

It the happened to me a few weeks ago, why because I wasn't strong enough to cope with a house move, I realise that it's changing to new surroundings, new territory, new neighbours, but boy I have done that many times before, so why then, maybe because I was downsizing, but now I feel good.

You can't blame yourself for feeling this way, because once we have had depression we always become susceptible, because any little trigger can through us off the path to recovery.

When you can't sleep it's so easy to start your thinking of being negative, it just comes, but try and remember those good days you had, and if your mind starts to wonder again then try and realise that nothing can be done at this hour so you will cope with it tomorrow. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Hi A Grace,

Thanks for answering, knowing people are caring is in itself a help.

The doctor allows me sleeping tablets in a very restricted supply.Our health board is very strict re. these and tranquillisers. A lot of it is psychological re my sleep ie the only reason I can't sleep is because I'm frightened I won't. After posting on here though I noticed that LING mentioned on a thread that she took anti histamines to help her sleep so I think I'll look into that. 

Hi Geoff,

Thanks so much for answering. It really helps. I'm glad you're feeling better. Well I have cried quite a lot today and I think it's helped a little.

As you say we're all susceptible once we've been depressed. Years ago I used to believe that one day I'd be better for good. However in recent years I've realised that it's part of who I am.

Thanks, Helen

[White_Rose]

Dear Helen

Apologies for not getting back to you. I hope you are feeling better and stronger. Life can really dish out the dirt at times.

I used to cry heaps and my neighbour knew this. One day I was told by my doctor that I had dry eyes which meant I needed to put drops in my eyes quite frequently. My neighbour asked me if this was because I cried too much. Still not sure if she was joking.

How is the sleep going? Have you tried anti-histamines yet? I found it a much better alternative than sleeping pills, particularly as I used to go sleep walking due to the sleeping tablets. The worst part of this was that I never knew what I said or did during these episodes so you can imagine how scary it was.

The biggest problem with not sleeping is that I get so tired during the day and end up having a 'nanna nap' which just compounded the problem at night. Can't take a trick!

I certainly relate to being exhausted by grandchildren. I often wonder if I had as much energy as they have when I was young. Probably did but it's so long ago. I have eight grandchildren, three of whom are teenagers. In many ways they are more exhausting than the young ones. I love dearly but a little goes a long way. Ah the joys of aging!.

I hope all is well with you. I'm having a mini (I hope) relapse, but I am getting back on my feet.

Regards

LING

[AGrace]

Hi LING,

I was just reading the part in your post about sleepwalking from sleeping tablets. I get that it's a very serious issue, but it brought back some rather funny memories of my most recent hospital stay. Thought you might have a giggle at this too.

My psych decided to double the dose of my sleepers because I hadn't slept at all for a couple of weeks. This increased dose lead to sleepwalking and talking in my sleep. I'm also a bit of a chocolate junky so my partner kept me well stocked up on family size cadbury blocks. I'd keep them in the wardrobe to help keep them out of sight. Sadly when I was sleepwalking I'd head straight to the wardrobe and grab a block of chocolate and head back to bed. 3 times I woke up in the morning covered in melted chocolate. It was on my face, in my hair, stuck to my pyjamas, it covered my sheets pillow case and blankets. I had absolutely no idea that I'd been sleepwalking but all the evidence was laid out before me. I did so much washing that admission!!

...So there are some serious consequences to sleeping tablets:)

AG

[HelenM]

Hi Ling, thanks for you post.

My sleep is my main cause of low mood just now. My psychological attitude to sleep is crazy and may not make sense - so sorry.

Normally my sleep is fine. Because of my almost phobia to sleep at the beginning I become very scared that I won't sleep. Also I become really scared of relying on tablets. So when this problem arises I take a prescribed tablet one night (the doctor will only prescribe minimally) an over the counter sleeping tab the next night (which turns out to be an anti histamine) and the 3rd night I don't take anything. Until my natural sleep settles I'm really worried even though my sleep is fine the other 2 night. It's really crazy I  know! At the moment my night without tablets hasn't settled down. I feel embarrassed with this problem because you and lots of people are happy to take tablets and I don't know why I'm not. I take ADs, a mood stabiliser and beta blockers quite happily.

I love my grandchildren but as you say find they are exhausting and this probably lowered my mood enough to make me vulnerable to this problem.

This morning me and my husband had a row about money. We sorted it out but that got me really upset. 

I really, really appreciate you posting and will just plod on.

And thanks A Grace for your funny story.

Helen x 

[White_Rose]

Dear AG

Loved the story. Serious consequences indeed.

Unfortunately my most serious consequence was being placed in hospital. So humiliating and the psychiatrist did not seem to understand why I had no memory of what had happened. I did stop taking the pills.

LING