Isolating myself

Frangipani · ‎06-06-2016

Such a struggle at the moment to talk about my feelings, it's so much easier to pretend to be ok.

I have struggled with depression/anxiety for so long now, the main reason due to not being able to have a child

I feel so angry at myself for getting so bad, watching friendships slip away, not being closer to family and not living my life to the fullest, the last few years feel like a blur 😞

It feels at the time so much easier to avoid certain situations/people but in the long run u r left even more isolated from how u feel, this whole thing has hurt me inside and out, I just wish the old me could come back 😞

Just needed to vent and someone to listen

Fairywings · ‎06-06-2016

hi sweetie and welcome. I'm glad you have reached out this is the first step to finding yourself again. We are a great bunch here and we are all her for you. Your not alone in this ordeal any more. Just like you I too have had depression / anxiety for all of my life too but I am able to manage myself better than compared to many many years ago where I didn't know myself at all. I'm so sorry you are going through this but I and many others are all here for you. I understand completely how isolated you must be feeling especially with the breakdown of friendships but I don't want you to be blaming yourself because this is you crying out for help and we are going to give it to you the best way we all can. please feel free and comfortable to open up to us and by doing this you will find a sense of relief like the weight / burden is lifting from your shoulders. For many years I thought I could get through the pain on my own but to my surprise that definitely wasn't the case. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm also a youth worker and love to help people like yourself. When you have the correct support around you self-healing becomes a lot more bearable to go through. You will find yourself again I assure you it will take some time but as long as you remain positive and believe in yourself you will get through this. I hope this has helped am always here for you to lend an ear 🙂 please keep in touch with us Venessa

Frangipani · ‎06-06-2016

Thanks Venessa, sorry to hear what you have been through. Being a youth worker must be very rewarding.

Everyday I just feel this emptiness that can never be filled 😞

I feel so much guilt over everything, even guilt over deactivating my facebook a/c because I couldn't handle seeing yet another baby picture

Fairywings · ‎07-06-2016

Oh that's ok sweety im much stronger than i was yes it is very rewarding i love my job and I love what i do. Oh hunny please don't feel guilty everything in life happens for a reason. I have lost 4 babies i call them my moon babies 😇 coz i know they r around me all the time. I have another little boy 3yrs old who has autism. During his birth i lost him also for about 6 minutes that is a long time for a baby to be without any oxygen. He came back to me in the end was the scariest day of my life. Are u able to tell me why ur not able to have children that's if u feel comfortable in doing so. I guess what i am saying please don't lose hope u r going to beat these feelings of emptiness and despair. Always here for you if u need to chat please come back to me venessa

pipsy · ‎07-06-2016

Hi Frangipani. I hear the isolation and loneliness in your voice. Knowing you can't have children and accepting it are two completely different emotions. I suspect most of your friends have children and you possibly get frustrated when you see your friends making mistakes with their kids. You said you wish the 'old' you would come back. May I ask what exactly is the 'old' you? Are you what's known as a 'social butterfly'. Perhaps you could look at joining some sort of adults club, I don't mean that in a sexual way, I mean a club strictly for adults. There are plenty around. A club where adults get together for social events, dancing, outings, general get togethers. Being with other families where mum's talk about their children's achievements would make you feel left out, so I think you'd be better suited in an environment where it's adults discussing other topics. Maybe a visit to your Dr to discuss short term AD's till you're feeling a bit better.

Lynda.

White_Rose · ‎07-06-2016

Dear Frangipani

Depression is such a horrible illness. The physical aspects are hard but all the emotional baggage we carry definitely weighs us down. I am so sorry you are not able to have a child. My daughter and SIL tried for many years with our success. They tried IVF and eventually my daughter became pregnant only to miscarry at 19 weeks. She did carry the next baby to term and now has a daughter. I walked that journey with her and grieved every time the desired outcome did not eventuate. I am not saying I know how you feel, because clearly I do not. What I know is my daughter's sorrow and mine and the rest of the family. I can only imagine yours.

I do get the anger you feel for yourself. The frustration when you see your friends happily nursing their babies. And the anger you feel at yourself for being angry. Sounds silly when you write it down, but that does not make it less real or painful. We need to grieve for our losses and learn to live without these things. A friend of mine had a son who was killed in a workplace accident. He was 23. People told her she would get over it, as if. One friend told her she would never forget, but "the intervals between remembering will get longer".

I find that a source of comfort. I don't want to forget anything, even those things that hurt me. They made me who I am, but I am glad I will not live constantly with the pain of loss and sadness. You will also find this acceptance and relief from pain. Not in a moment but in time. While you are traveling through this raw hurt try to lean on people who will help and comfort you. I know it can be hard to open yourself and I certainly don't mean open up to everyone. Pick a few trustworthy people and ask for their comfort and support. Include your husband because he is also hurting both for you and the babies you will not have.

Avoiding situations that make you unhappy is a good idea. Also people who make you unhappy. There is nothing that says you must have them around. Look after yourself first, second and third. Friends will not desert you and others are just passing through your life.

You have not mentioned having any counseling. Is this correct? I think it's a good to do either as a couple or on your own. No need to go to an expensive psychologist if you cannot afford it. Make an appointment with someone from Relationships Australia or Anglicare, depending on who is available. They either have no charge or a very small charge.

Take care.

Mary

Frangipani · ‎07-06-2016

Hi fairy wings, I am so sorry to hear u lost 4 babies and to hear u nearly lost another at birth.

I have 1 angel baby I lost along time ago, I was 4 months pregnant when I lost my sweet boy 😞

Hubby and I both have fertility issues, 3 rounds of ivf without any luck, age is no longer on our side at 38.

not sure I will ever not feel empty over this, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, I am not particularly career orientated. It's not like u can take a vacation to get over it, it's also not the same working, being around kids that aren't yours, it's a void that can never be filled.

Pipsey, I am far from a social butterfly but I used to look after myself better, i have put on weight, I'm grumpy, distant from everyone and prob not someone u want to be around

White Rose, it's very common, I hear about so many having to go through it, 1 other friend I know went through it, but was lucky and now has a little boy

so sorry to hear of the loss of your friends son, at such a young age, yes as if u can just get over it! Life seems very unfair at times

I have to try and move on and find peace somehow, I just wish my head would stop thinking about it for just 1 day!

I have seen a counselor a few times in the past but found it hard to really let go, will try and go back or look at seeing someone else maybe

thanks for listening

Guest_1055 · ‎08-06-2016

Hi dear frangipani

I am so sorry you are struggling. I think I can relate a little to the empty feeling. Is it like your womb feels empty, is that what you feel? I have one child, for whom I am very thankful for. But I always wanted a lot of children. Sometimes my arms even feel empty, especially if I am around babies.

Have you considered adopting or even fostering a little one.?There may be a child out there who just wants and needs desperately someone to give them love.

Anyway I am happy to listen to you, if you want to vent anymore dear frangipani. That is a real pretty scented flower, I love the scent of those.

Take care now

Shell xx

selftruth · ‎08-06-2016

Hi Frangipani. Thanks for your words of honesty. I am new to the forum but I have suffered chronic depression for many years and the feelings, emotions and the devastation of the illness is something which can be a great burden to bare. What I have learnt is that it is not our fault and that our strength as a community can help support one another through this illness to full recovery or good management. I found support groups, a psychologist and psychiatrist have all helped to some degree. Sometimes isolating has been my saviour as a coping mechanism and sometimes a bad idea. For myself I have had to accept the severity of my illness (which is the upper end), however, with supports in place I have lessened the burden and become healthier and happier, though some days I am very ill. There is hope.

pipsy · ‎08-06-2016

Hi Frangipani. What makes you think I would not accept you as a friend. You have a weight problem (don't we all). You are a bit angry at the moment, we all have days when we just want to be left alone. When girls are small, we are conditioned into believing our roles are to get married, have kids etc. When we learn that we can't have kids, it hurts like hell. The pain is not something that can be seen. It's an emotional knife that cuts deep. Then we get an insensitive remark, such as a supposed gf to us, skiting how she only has to look at her bf/hubby and she's pregnant. Makes you feel like slapping her, walking away etc. Perhaps a visit to your Dr to ask about grief counselling (you are grieving for a loss). Maybe by talking to other women who have experienced your particular loss might help you. There are women who have had to accept they will never have children, for the same reasons as you, and these women would know exactly where you are emotionally. You are feeling extremely sensitive at this stage, totally understandable. Maybe eventually, fostering might help fill that void, but I feel that at this time, taking care of a child, only to have to hand it back would be tortuous.

Lynda.