Internal barrier

[Jay---]

Hello everyone,

I'm interested in some discussion and feedback concerning a mental health situation. I suffer from what can be best described as an internal mental barrier: I shut down and withdraw from communication. This mostly affects me trying to discuss or act on things that I want in my life. I tend to think through things a lot but when it comes to saying or doing something I shut off. This can be anything from engaging with marketing or potential customers for my business, through to talking with my wife about the state of our marriage. Whenever I try to say something about what I feel or want I come up against an internal barrier that stops me. End result of course is a lot of dissatisfaction, not much happening for my benefit, and festering anger and resentment.

A bit of back ground (cliff notes)

-Currently 50-something.

-Youngest child of three in my family.

-Mother was likely covert narcissist. 

-Middle brother is serious narcissist (checks all 9 diagnostic criteria).

-Oldest brother went off trying to be overachiever, father was largely disinterested.

-I have a more quiet and thoughtful personality, so I was pegged by my mother to be the narcissistic supply for her and my brother.

-Result was unhappy childhood full of manipulation, neglect for my needs, and invalidation.

-I married in my early 20s thinking it would get me away from the old life, but due to my mother's conditioning I simply attached myself to another narcissist. She spent another 10 years invalidating and traumatising me before I became almost non-functional and divorced.

-Diagnosed with serious depression in my mid 30s and have been in and out of treatment/therapy since. Most of the realisations above have come out of that therapy.

Aside from the myriad of issues the above has left me with one major stumbling block is the aforementioned mental barrier. As I understand it I learned young to shut down and internalise anything to do with my core self as a protection mechanism. However, as the situation that gave rise to it lasted from the day of my birth until my mid-thirties, I am now finding it almost impossible to get past. It is now a serious problem and is preventing me from moving forward.

Does anyone out there have any thoughts on/experiences with this sort of thing and how to break it down/move on?

Thanks in advance.

[white knight]

Hi Jay, welcome

It could be your lucky day. I'm 70yo and tolerated my mothers narcissistic personality until 2010. I also tolerated my sisters inherited narcissism until 2022. Both women I felt forced to cut out of my life. Prior to those action I spent a life off and on from both of them and in most cases lost family members due to them weaponising family fragility.  So I wont go into boring details but let me say that my mother ruined my first wedding in 1985 and threatened to ruin my second wedding in 2011. Hence the action.

Among the symptoms were - manipulation, triangulation, emotional blackmail. I'd lose my beautiful father every time I fell out with mother. So basically being an empath I waited until the very end of my love for these people before I fully gave up. With my sister When that fell apart I of course lost my adult nieces as she triangulated them. 

Relief finally came one day for me when I read extracts of a book called "Walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson. If you google - Witch Queen Hermit Waif BPD family. You might get an understanding of the 4 personality traits that cover the disorder. This was my light bulb moment as I found that my mother fitted all 4 categories. My sister the witch and the waif only but would include the queen in the eyes of her children if they ever questioned her behaviour.  

Following me cutting off my mother (BTW I was an excellent son to her but never good enough) I got closer to an elderly woman I'd known since I was 15yo. She became my "mother". She passed in January this year aged 82yo and she cherished me as a son.

I do have another illness called "dysthymia" which is a low, constant mood. It was caused by my mothers behaviour throughout my childhood but also a near tragedy in the back yard pool as a 12yo where my brother nearly drowned. That caused 3 months of silence- I didnt say a word. So for decades since I'd go into my shell. 

I hope that helps, I can only recommend further psychiatric examination to seek out if you have other illnesses. Then you can address them with the appropriate medications and live a better life. Reply anytime, its an interesting subject for me.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi Jay

You are obviously in the process of developing such a great sense of self understanding. With you mentioning your core sense of self, this reminds me of something I like to consider when it comes to human nature. I like to imagine we're a bit like one of those old style wagon wheels. At the core of the wheel (with the wheel representing the whole of who we are) is the hub and then there are all the spokes that stem from that. Each spoke represents a part of our nature. From our core sense of self stems the adventurer in us, the analyst, the romantic, the pessimist, the optimist, the visionary, the financial manager, the people pleaser, some intolerant facet etc etc. All facets are accessible under different circumstances yet some facets can be far stronger than others, based on regular access or how often we give them a workout.

While there are plenty of facets or spokes, there will be some that come to life over time and some that never come to be expressed. I've found there can be some that come alive only after years of torment or a torturous sense of tolerance. It's like one day something in us suddenly wakes up and drives us to announce to a regular abuser 'I'm done. I'm over it. I've had enough of your behaviour and I'm no longer going to tolerate it'. When we finally meet with the intolerant part of us, it can liberate us. It can become our driving force for positive change. 

The reason I like to imagine that we're a bit like that wagon wheel is because it means all the spokes are there, with each one ready to be tapped into, ready to come to life when we want to develop it or need to. Imagining such a concept also means we can imagine that the parts of ourself that we may have lost over time are still also there, waiting to be re-developed. As a 56yo gal, there are parts of me I'm so desperate to bring back to life again, which I intend to. Whether we want to bring parts of us to life or there are parts of us we want to bring back to life, the question remains 'How do I do it?'. With there being a sage in every one of us, I find sometimes it helps to develop that part above all spokes. It often brings the most reliable and wisest of advice and guidance. It can also lead us to ask the right kinds of questions, on our quest for ongoing self understanding and self development. Imagining this part of us exists is a start.