update part 2 ish! Just some of my thoughts :)

[phightingphan]

Hello everybuggy! 🐛 First off, thanks for being invested (if that's a way to put it) in my journey. I actually never thought people would care to check in on me again; thanks for that. 🙂 

I've been meaning to give an update on the state of my life and seek advice, but I'm pretty prone to forgetfulness lol. 

Anyway, I've been going to therapy for a while now, and it's nice having a professional to talk to, but um. Nothing has really changed in my life at all, and everything is the same as it was before I even talked to my mother about it. I don't even know what I expected- an answer? No..? Maybe a resolution to these thoughts. Maybe for something to actually click, you know? One of you guys mentioned that one day it'll all click, but God help me if that day doesn't come quickly. Really, I have no idea how I'm supposed to live like this; I feel like I'm lugging a corpse around.

My therapist has given me some good advice in the week I have had her (I got a new therapist), which is to eat more, sleep more, and have my vitamin D and iron supplements in the mornings. I feel the same despite trying to sleep earlier and whatever else she told me (early is 12 am for me; I am trying my best, I swear :'D) and oh goodness, my preliminary exams are in 2 weeks, and I can't find it in myself to study. Not only do I not want to study, but I just cannot wrap my head around the content! It is almost impossible to focus in class when I am either ruminating or thinking about my interests (emphasis on my interests. I think I care about them more than a lot of things in my life; I can lose track of time playing/watching them for HOURS.) I have no idea how people do it. I feel stupid, lazy and incompetent (which I know isn't true; it's probably the depression talking, but it still hurts), and I feel like I've stagnated. No matter what I do, no matter how many sessions I have or how many people I talk to about my feelings, I feel the exact fucking same I feel TERRIBLE. I feel so upset and sad and empty; it's so frustrating. I really want time to stop for a second. I wish the same day repeated over and over so I wouldn't have to worry about tomorrow and suffer the most terrible fate of all as my life goes on: living. Living is terrifying; it scares me to think that I cannot keep hiding in this depressive shell my whole life. I need to go out and live and become an adult (I'm 17 this year!!!!!), and that is the single scariest thing I have ever experienced. I do not want to live; I do not want to grow, and yet I hate staying miserable as I am now.

I am the worst, aren't I? I am a hypocrite, and all I do is contradict myself. I don't think I feel like existing anymore. Can someone dig me into a hole and bury me? I want to disappear for just a month, maybe; give me some time. Being a human sucks, and we are all insignificant bugs, and all of my (very limited) efforts will amount to nothing. 

I really do hate myself. 

[LotusAfterRain]

Hello phightingphan,🐛

Nice to hear from you again. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been going to therapy and have a professional to talk to.

I’m curious about your life. Who is the character in your profile picture? Is it from a Japanese anime?

You mentioned that you can’t stop thinking about the things that interest you. Would you like to share what they are? I’d really like to know...

And are there any specific situations or people that you find stressful or triggering, or that contribute to your suicidal thoughts? You don’t have to share them here. You can always bring them up with your therapist.

By the way, I really like the bug picture that you posted. It’s so cute! 🙂

Keep updating your life story here!

Warm regards🐛

ViolettaZ

[therising]

Hi phightingphan

When it comes to what you expect to get out of therapy and openly discussing things, I imagine what you want are mind altering and life changing revelations. From my own experience, these can be what make all the difference in life at times. Personally, I rely on such revelations to 1)lead me to understand myself better, 2)help facilitate my personal development and sense of progress and 3)take me out of feeling the emotions I'm sensing (based on a significant change in perception). If we're natural born feelers, we'll be able to feel our perception or the impact of it, just as we'll be able to feel a change in our perception.

A revelation that's come to serve me well over time involves 'feeling better'. While people may say 'I just want to feel better', they're typically referring to not wanting to feel challenging emotions. A different way of looking at 'feeling better' can relate to getting a better feel for certain emotions and what they're about. A few examples the come to mind involve 

• Feeling disappointment when it comes to a lack of focus. What's that about?🤔 I can relate to being someone who appoints myself as 'A serious daydreamer'. My 21yo son's the same. Even before we go into what we know is going to be a thoroughly boring situation, we've already semi dis-appointed ourself from 'focusing on what's boring' which can definitely pose problems and be frustrating in a lot of ways. If daydreaming/imagining/seeing through the mind's eye is managed in highly effective ways, under certain circumstances it's not just regarded a natural ability, you could call it a super natural ability (the kind of ability someone like Nikola Tesla had). Problem is if it's not managed carefully, it can get in the way of focusing on what we really need to focus on at times. Could you say 'What I'm feeling is the frustration relating to my ability getting in the way of me learning'? I could be wrong but I imagine you learn more easily from teachers who teach through the imagination
• Feeling a lack of great inspiration. What's that about?🤔 I've found that feeling a tiny bit of inspiration can make a tiny bit of a difference, an average amount can make an average kind of difference (nothing special), a mind blowing amount of inspiration just blows my mind and energetically fuels me. I can feel it intensely. I'm wondering whether you could say 'I am able to feel high levels of inspiration just as easily as I can feel a depressing lack of inspiration or no inspiration at all'. There are times in life where we have to go looking for it. Whether we find it in a book, on YouTube, in a therapist's office, in general conversation or somewhere else, it can be well worth the search. A sense of wonder can lead us to where inspiration can be found
• Feeling a positive sense of wonder. What's that about, I wonder🤔😁? 'I wonder how my brain works' vs 'My brain's messed up or broken in some way'. 'I wonder how my imagination works' vs 'I need to stop imagining'. 'I wonder how the superpowers of sensitive people work' vs 'I need to stop being so sensitive'. Sometimes it pays to develop our sense of wonder, for it's then that we can be led by our sense of wonder toward figuring out who we naturally are and how we naturally tick. Btw, if not managed carefully, a sense of wonder (just like daydreaming) can become time consuming and distracting. All abilities require mastering, so that they don't create disorder. Is it possible that what you're feeling is 'Not being led to wonder in constructive ways'?