Just to be clear here, I'm not suicidal, I may have thought about it,
but it's not something I want to do at all. I have been a bit more
emotional than usual more a few months; I used to just have times where
I would sit down, think about everything,...
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Just to be clear here, I'm not suicidal, I may have thought about it,
but it's not something I want to do at all. I have been a bit more
emotional than usual more a few months; I used to just have times where
I would sit down, think about everything, and be sad, but I never really
cried. Now I cry at least twice per week, my record was 7 days per week,
how awesome. Okay, I cry, I cried and then just told myself it'll be
okay, well, that's just really lying to myself but who knows? But
occasionally, I just immediately smile after crying, and I myself am
surprised when I feel the corners of my lips turn up and grin. When I
think back on it, I realized every one of those times I was thinking
about death. I don't want to die, I don't want to feel like my time is
ticking down and I don't have enough time to reach my goals or even make
one. But death is peace of mind, you don't have to worry about anything,
it's a fresh new start and an eternal ending, whatever I do in this
life, it doesn't matter, because I'd die eventually one way or another.
I only live once, I should enjoy everything I can. I laugh at that
thought, I'm already practically dead, inside at least, I'm a rotting
bird, I've got wings, but they're just disappearing like the rest of me.
I'm an empty shell walking around, I used to be something, winning
certificates and medals, helping others, being kind, contributing to
something I thought would be home to me and everyone I love; I can't
help but wonder to myself, if death exists, what's the point? I give and
take, but I wouldn't see the end result of what I've helped build.
People always say "Nobody ever truly dies" because apparently memories
of them still exist, but what happens after those people die? And even
if the memories still exist, the person is dead, gone, they wouldn't
care or even know what the rest of the world will look like, they have
no tomorrow, yesterday, or a present. I would prefer to be dead, I
wouldn't like to die, but I'd like to be dead, I suppose. But back to
the crying bit (I get off topic so many times, oops), so I smile when I
think about death, well isn't that just depressing? If I like the sound
of death, why aren't I dead already? ... Because I'm human, it's only
natural for me to go on hoping, hoping that everything will be okay,
hoping that I'll have a future which I can enjoy, that some miracle
magic will happen, solve my problems, and let me be happy; I hate
hoping. I want to see a tomorrow come, I want to see my new friends
laugh, I want to talk silly with my old friends, I want to see a
possible future, just a tiny opening to a wonderland. Even so, tomorrows
are scary, I have school, I have to go work, I have to wake up, I have
to suffer the nagging of everyone, I have to see this horrible society
grow bigger (horrible is an overstatement, but when you feel like a lost
cause, it's not that far off). All of those little negative things ruin
my want for a tomorrow, but I'll just keep hoping. Work my way through
this maze and then realized what I just went through could have been
solved simply by letting myself go. I think I forgot the rest of what I
was about to type but all well. Bye and thank you for reading this
paragraph of uh, sadness? I don't know. But have a nice day and take
care people! "To paradise and our dreams! Even if we don't see them come
true."-some random thought of mine
How do I talk to my doctor?
