Sometimes I don’t know how to talk to my parents and I’ll shut down

[Gracie_PY4]

When I talk to my parents it’s most of the time really good, especially with my mum. But I find when they mention something to try and fix me based on mental health like “why don’t you go for a walk” or, “you should do some techniques to help you’re mental health” or even “you should do some exercise”, I completely shut off and just nod or just “uh huh”. I almost feel like I’m being judged as if lazy. This morning I told my dad that I switched my job position from full time to part time (because I was really struggling there mentally and because the environment was not good), he said “why?!” And I told him about my mental health however, he asked “What’s the money going to come down to?. Sometimes you just got to push through”. 
I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know that I feel comfortable talking about the stuff I’m going through with them anymore, because at the end of the day I don’t think they understand, or I feel like they think I’m lazy and want me to get off my ass and do something with myself. They want to fix me and it isn’t working it’s making everything worse.

[just-a-Dad]

Hi Gracie. 
They are probably from the generation of keep your mind busy and bottle up your problems, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. They probably got less help from their own parents and they just don’t know how to connect properly in this situation. 
it can be hard to break through, but I think I have an idea.

depression is real, and it’s serious, even more so these days.

sometimes to reach your parents, need to do something different, have you thought about making them feel special and then leaving them with a note.

why don’t you make dinner one night, it you did it for them, make sure you have one here, family, favourite movies to watch afterwards on the couch together, have a nice bottle of wine for them to drink in Australia. $10 can get you a nice wine, maybe some cheese and crackers to go with the wine while you watch the movie together as a family; but prior to this, write them both an individual letter of what you actually going through and how difficult it can be to summon motivation when you’re going through depression, don’t forget to tell them how much you love them, don’t forget to tell him how much they love means to you, but keep the letter until the movie is finished, and when you give them bustle individual letters personalised to that particular mother or father, wouldn’t do the washing up while they sit there, reading it.

If they don’t approach you that night about it, it’s because I’ll be discussing it with themselves and wondering what they can do better to support you so hang in there.

sometimes we need to reach out to our elders in different ways, because they were never taught her to reach out to their children. 

as a father I know something like that would get my attention very fast.

Don’t give up on them, Sometimes the student has to be the teacher.

(You should probably put in the letter if they struggle to comfort you during this time of your life, It’s okay for them to be honest because everybody is human and nobody is perfect)

I hope if not this, something similar to this could help you breach that gap

kind regards

Just a DaD 

[therising]

Hi Gracie_PY4

I imagine my daughter would be able to relate to where you're coming from and she'd really feel for you too, just as I do. It was some years back, here in Victoria when we went through all those COVID lockdowns, and my daughter was in year 12. She was experiencing far from an easy time, for a whole number of reasons. I could feel the impact of the lockdowns on her. While trying to come up with a whole lot of solutions or ideas that could possibly help, I could feel her becoming angrier and angrier with me. One day she just came out with it, 'Mother, I know you're trying to help but STOP TRYING TO FIX ME!'. While we both took a little time to cool off from the confrontation, we eventually reconnected through a constructive conversation where we were able to express our feelings. Btw, she refers to me as 'Mother', as opposed to 'Mum', when she's upset with me 😁

I explained to her, based on my experience with the ins and outs of depression over the years, that I couldn't bear to see her suffering. I was trying to come up with anything and everything I couldn't think of that could make things easier. Whether it involved going for a walk, coming up with a new hobby that would bring her joy of some kind or something else, I was trying to fix things. She said something along the lines of 'I don't want to be fixed. Sometimes I just want you to listen to me vent my frustration, my upset, my stress or whatever. Sometimes I just want to sit and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I just don't want to feel broken, in need of 'fixing''. After this, our relationship changed for the better. After this, we'd more so tend to sit and wonder together.

While wonder is such a simple thing, it's also a mind altering thing. A sense of wonder opens the mind to revelations, ideas and solutions and it also holds the potential to open up the best ways forward. The conversations that followed between my daughter and I were more along the lines of (for example) 'I feel incredibly down', which would lead me to wonder and ask 'Do you know why?'. This would lead her to wonder and come up with possibilities. Then we'd wonder about those possibilities together until things started to gradually make more sense. So, the whole thing came down to not trying to fix things but helping my daughter make better sense of her feelings. It can definitely be challenging at times to get to the bottom of why we feel things, people or life in the ways we do.

If emotion can be defined as 'energy in motion' or 'e-motion' the question can be 'What the heck is this energy in motion (within me) and why the heck am I feeling it?'. While feeling or sensing is an incredibly natural or super natural ability, some people are more super natural than others and can struggle with that at times. To be able to feel just about everything definitely poses challenges 😊

[just-a-Dad]

Wow

I enjoyed reading that

[therising]

Hi just-a-Dad

I've learned a heck of a lot from my kids over the years. They've led me to become more conscious of a number of things in life. With my 22yo daughter being diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago and my 19yo son being diagnosed with level 1 autism a few years back, I've learned how uniquely we all tend to tick, whether that relates to our brain or our nature. Developing a sense of wonder has made an enormous difference to me. Before this, I had a tendency to jump to conclusions (some right and, of course, some wrong)😁.

I like your approach, by the way. Introducing parents to a serious discussion by presenting them with a dinner etc, is a great idea. We parents a funny people, hey. Sometimes you have to lead us to relate to things or lead us to open our minds in special kinds of ways. Ahh, we can be manipulated (strategically guided) toward a more open mind. Strategically guided sounds so much better 😊

[Gracie_PY4]

Thank you so much for your words of the wise, listening to that has made me feel much better. Although I do love my parents a lot, I feel at this struggling point in my life, it’s hard to express to them how I’m feeling and I can’t really rely on them as much as I would have. My mum being the person I tell everything to, I’ve now pulled back and kept my issues to myself because of “I don’t want to be fixed” and I don’t need the commentary that comes from love and support. It just sends me into a spiral of worry. I think at this time I’m trying to navigate what’s best to say and what’s best kept to myself, and like you mentioned with your daughter I’m struggling with that feeling of getting irritated with my parents as well.

but I do so much appreciate your advice, listening to what other people have to say makes me feel much calmer and a bit more normal.

[Gracie_PY4]

Thank you so much just-a-Dad for your advice, I think I’ll definitely use that for next time. I did bring it up with them though. I let them know that I would like to have a conversation after work about something important and it felt good. It felt a little bit of pushback but it was good, I mentioned to them that I don’t want to be fixed and that things like “why don’t you go for a walk” or “go do some exercise” makes me feel worse and makes me feel like they’re judging me and trying to push me. I still feel that judgment, however they said they have none, but that is something I’ve felt for years as a thought, but it was good progress. Thank you for your help. 

sorry if that was to much information

[therising]

Hi Gracie_PY4

The relationship between kids and their parents can be such a tough one at times, that's for sure. When it comes to emotions, nature, ways of thinking, physical chemistry, belief systems and more, it can be a pretty complex relationship. To tell you the truth, some parents are still trying to figure out how they work as a person, let alone trying to figure out how they're meant to function as a parent or a guide to their child. In some ways, I believe it's about waking each other up to certain things, leading each other to become more conscious or aware.

If you were to ask me where true love is found, from my experience as a mum I would say it is found in evolution. A loving person will evolve their ways of thinking, becoming more conscious in their service to others and self. They'll push and explore beyond limited ways when true love forces them to. In a loving parent/child relationship, they take each other's hand, take a leap of faith together and explore things outside the square. Sometimes, it's outside the square where the greatest things are found, brilliant revelations and possibilities included. With some parents being set in their ways they can be inclined to go out kicking and screaming, when their child insists 'This is where we need to head' 😅. Some would rather fight with their child rather than enter into unexplored territory.

With this 'raising' business, it's not just kids that are being raised by their parents. Sometimes parents need to be raised too, into the habit of being more open minded, more conscious and more fearless when it comes to leaving that square (aka 'Their comfort zone'). Give yourself credit; you may be doing a better job that what you imagine when it comes to raising your parents. Time and persistence can pay off.

[Gracie_PY4]

Hey therising thank you so much, I guess it is like that, I am teaching my parents as well as they’re teaching me 😄. And I definitely forget to give myself credit, especially now. Again thank you so much for listening and your advice.