Loneliness amongst the crowd

[Cactus]

I am 50 years old, female living with so dat undiagnosed autism. I have never had any close friends and I live far from family. I suffer from bad depression because of it. It seems to get worse the older I get. When I discussed this with my doctor, he suggested I join clubs to meet more people. Lack of access to people isn’t the problem though, I have been with an animal welfare group for 5 years and didn’t make a single friend, despite going to lots of their social gatherings. I’ve been with a plant society for three and a half years, I’m on their committee and all I have is acquaintances, whom I only see at the monthly meetings. No one wants to catch up outside the meetings. I know lots of people. Problem is it always stays superficial, a deeper connection just never develops. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere, I’ve felt like that my whole life due to this lack of meaningful connection. I feel that because of my autism it’s even worse as I don’t understand the intricacies of social interaction. I can’t really read people and when I do talk to them it never comes naturally, I have to think about it all the time (how much eye contact, volume, when to speak and not interrupt), it’s exhausting. I can do it for a bit but people always seem to dislike me or simply not be interested in me. I go out by myself sometimes because I don’t even have someone to go for a coffee or a meal with. I’m always the only person who is there by themselves and it’s painful to see others talking and laughing together, sharing their thoughts and experiences.I feel like an alien visiting from another planet. I have lots of plants (hence the plant society) and a pet cat but I so desperately need deeper connection to people. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.

[Levelup]

Hi cactus, That was a hard read. 

Why we wash up where we do is a mystery. I often think 'how did I end up here? I am an older Australian male, captain of my own ship and yet that ship has ended up ...

Sorry I am being wordy when all I am trying to say is I feel for you and wish things were different, better.

I am not so sure about that GP's advice. BUT you are here, a funny sort of club/group but nonetheless, (I think I can speak for others) we hear you and feel for you.

And want to hear more from you.

Fond regards, levelup

[sbella02]

Hey Cactus, 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Have you expressed to your doctor that you believe you might be autistic? Asking to speak to a therapist, counsellor, or psychologist may give you some professional insight into how to deal with loneliness. You might also be able to seek out some support groups this way for people with similar life experiences and perspectives to yourself who have struggled similarly. This can be a good way of combatting loneliness. 

Many neurodivergent people tend to struggle similarly. It's hard to form deeper connections with people in general, but this is particularly heightened for neurodivergent people who also tend to have that extra layer of struggling to read people. It's also arguably difficult now (more than ever) to find the right setting in which you can foster deep connections. With working environments where you're in close proximity to one another all the time, it can be a lot easier to have better conversations with people than in an hour-long meeting for a club that meets monthly, for instance. That's not to say that you can't make great connections within groups/clubs, or that work is the only place to make deep connections. These are just examples of how context matters when you're forming connections with people.

I've diverged a little here, but my point is that neurodivergent individuals often struggle disproportionately with loneliness. I'm not diagnosed so I don't want to group myself in, but I've never thought that my brain truly reflects the neurotypical blueprint - I struggle a lot with social interaction and I like having a formula to enter conversations with to make it easier for myself to form connections. One of my go-to references for forming deeper connections with people in everyday conversation is always this Ted Talk called "10 ways to have a better conversation", and I do find that these tips can be really helpful in some instances.

Once again, I digress. One suggestion I have, born from this tangent specifically, is to try and find others with similar experiences and perspectives. Online media tends to be a good place to start for people who are neurodivergent, if you're comfortable using platforms like Discord and Reddit. Support groups, as I mentioned earlier, are also really good for this.

If it helps, it sounds like you've got lots of valuable insights and perspectives gathered from different places in your life, and I think that's a very meaningful thing to bring to conversations with people. Confidence in yourself and what you bring to the table can be a helpful tool to equip yourself with, although this can be a lot easier said than done. I do have a few tips for building confidence that I've found have helped me, if you'd be interested in hearing more.

I hope something within this advice resonates with you, or at the very least you feel less alone in your experience of loneliness, which I know seems like quite the paradox. Please feel free to chat some more if you need to, we're here for you.

All the best, SB

[Kalm15]

1. Hello and welcome to the forum. Reading your post was sad and relatable. You have certainly tried to change your situation . I do get what you mean though. I have struggled with making friendships in my adult life, it was OK as  a kid and even teen and early twenties but since then I have not had any close friends . If I didn't have my creative pursuits that I like to do and my job that keeps me in a routine I would be really depressed. I still get depressed though.  I'm not sure what to suggest as I think your doing what you can .  i really hope someone can see you for the person you are, I know you'd be a great friend. People say to have a honest friend is like gold, but not enough people will at least give others the chance to show it.