In keep trying and nothing ever seems to get better, one year to the next.

[Jaster]

As a guy in his mid 50's, I am well aware that this battle of mine has never truly gotten better. The past 2 decades I completely hit rock bottom. Every year I seem to be fighting an uphill battle that I am not winning. I am very conscious to ensure I am not self sabotaging my own life and I can honestly say that I dont beleive I am.

Last year, approximately 7-8 months ago, I started going to a Christian Church. Wonderful people who are not to full on. I got babtised and started actovely following scripture, praying and this I thought would keep me on the straight and narrow. 

My work is not happening and wthout a true fullfilling purpose, I am very fragile. My suicide thoughts sre back and know that a few bad days in a row I will be committed to try and see it through. I have tried and tried to find work, I have rareified experince and still this gets me knowhere. Anyhow, good to get this down. I hope others are well and fighting on. 

[Croix]

Dear Jaster~

I've read through your other thread "Survivor" and think your explanations and the support you have received are frank, spot-on and useful. I am a survivor too.

I think in a way you are winning. Life has given you a very hard row to hoe and you are using intelligence and tenacity to hang on and find means to make things better.  

I really have nothing to add to all the advice you have received reading of how others have dealt with this problem except to say one technique that has helped me over the  years is to reserve a time each day, mine is in the evening, and do something that you enjoy, or distracts you or satisfies you -maybe even makes you chuckle. 

I user reading a chapter in a favorite book, exercise, looking at old TV programs or comedy on YouTube, talking with friends on light amusing subjects  and more. Yours will no doubt be different.

They can be hard to remember, particularly when you  are down, and another person may remember what has amused, or you have enjoyed better than you. Perhaps your wife who has known you for so long might have some ideas.

I find having something to look forward to each day, no matter how small, is a bit of self-reward I've come to feel I deserve, as opposed to feelng I'm completely worthless. 

If you want to have a framework for the worst times as well I'd suggest giving  Lifeline's Beyond Now app a try. There is no need to fill in all the sections at once, I took 6 months to find a "reason to live" to write down. I think the most important section is "Things I can do for myself" which is where those things I've just mentioned can be listed too.

I find at times I have no concentration or ability to make decisions as my mind has no room left, being busy concentrating on all the unpleasant hopeless thoughts. So the list has to be exact, not "listen to music" but "listen to the Stone's Paint it Black -and so on. The advantage of Beyond Now is it is easy to reach for and takes no thought.

I know you have problems with you son, with employment and disappointment in other areas too, so a little regular healing time-out may make a difference for you too.

Croix