Survivor...

[Jaster]

Firstly, I am not having any of these thoughts and am safe. Sat in my small office, smiling at those passing me by and deep down I feel absolutely awful. Not sure how I made it to work, I'm here and guess a small win I suppose.

I am trying to be very careful here as I know this is such a delicate topic. I will do my best.

I have titled this post 'Survivor' and have mixed feelings and a little imposter syndrome. I have written not one but two goodbye letters. If any of you reading this have been there and survived, its a place and moment in time that you cant erase.

For years now I have thought about a special group of people or a club for those who have survived. I don't know why but I just have. Unless you have been there you wouldn't understand.

Now again, I am safe and for those of you who may be struggling, hang in there. You will learn that these thoughts come and go. I might end it there. Stay safe and you will get through this.

[Jaster]

Hi Indigo,

What a beautiful story about Guinevere. She clearly found you as you said. I found it helpful to try and focus on being thankful for the time we have with all of our fur babies, however long or short it was. Easier said than done.

Our whole daily routines have been upended. Every morning one of my first actions was to open the door from our kitchen into the garage and see our beautiful cat Tiger. This morning as I was making a coffee I was thinking about her. I opened the door and looked at my car. It didn't look the same.

We used to have a blanket on my car bonnet and a comfy bed for her, together with water and a few snacks during the night. Often she would be on the car roof. She would come running and slide down the windscreen with her paws stretched out in front which always made me smile. I pictured her doing that this morning and felt a little sadness as there was no blanket to fold, no bed to place by my road bike gathering dust and no Tiger whose first action was always to 'head butt' me before leaping through to the kitchen knowing that breakfast was just moments away.

I have started listening to Bessel's book - 'The Body Keeps the Score' and straight out of the gates, recognised how powerful his insights are.

His stories brought back many memories of me as a child and also explained my often manic behaviours as an adult. Running away and being alone has been a common pattern in my life. 

I keep thinking of all the times I would run away and hide. I did this about 15 years ago. I moved on my own from one side of Australia to the other. I rented a 1 - brm unit for the purpose of trying to resurrect a career I had when times were much better. In hindsight I know it wasn't a good idea moving away from the family.

I was too busy trying to 'find myself' and now know that my biggest mistake has been not trying to face my demons and heal myself.

Its a complex subject and Bessel as you know explains the science behind peoples actions and also tells lots of stories of his own experiences with treating people. Success leaves clues and as someone who has invested copious amounts of time, energy and $ into healing, It is hard to feel optimistic when you still experience the same feelings you had as a child, as a middle aged man.

Something tells me that Bessel's work is more comprehensive than most and he is not a product of the mental health machine that is clearly not working. 

Just wanted to connect and wish you a wonderful week. I hope you do pickup where you left off with your book. For the record I wrote a thriller many years ago. Its a wonderful escape. I joined a writer association and immersed myself into the process. If I am honest, it was just another thing I was doing to escape.

Take care X

[indigo22]

Hi Jaster (👏ER),

Tiger sounds like a lovely companion, they all have their funny little quirky behaviours that we find so endearing. I sometimes catch myself visualising one of Guinevere's behaviours and can't help but smile, she could be quite the comedian at times.

I have been listening to an audiobook about the relationship between people and animals and it mentions that often the animal is a mirror for us, to help us see what we need to heal in ourselves. That often they share similar emotional wounds to us that need to be healed from their past.

I do agree with your comments on Bessel's book and will be interested in your thoughts when you are finished reading it. My psychotherapist was really pleased to hear that I was reading it at the time.

If you ever do decide to try therapy again, I would suggest looking for what is known as a "soul centered therapist" or "soul based therapist" as they bring more tools to the table aside from talk therapy and work with the whole person (mind, body and spirit). I believe we all have an innate wisdom inside of us that knows what we need to do to heal, it's a matter of being able to access that wisdom. That's where a good therapist can come in, asking the right questions at the right time.

We all have made questionable decisions when we are in the thick of it, things that we can later see may not have been in our best interest.

We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we can do better.

That to me is the meaning of wisdom and we are continually learning.

Just to clarify, the book is not a work of fiction, but of my experience, which is why sometimes I need to leave it alone for a while until I am ready to go there again. I do believe that the process itself will be healing in the long run though.

I hope you have had a good week and enjoy the weekend.

Take care of you too

indigo 💜