Lost

[Guest_27628762]

I’m a mum of 2 school aged kids, wife of 15yrs. 
Financially dependant on husband (for last few years). 
Always had anxiety / depressive tendencies since a child. Husband very driven, not understanding /empathetic towards depression, therefore unable to talk to when down. Distances themself. 
Recently lost close friend and potentially about to lose job. Quit important role recently due to loss of friend.
Daughter different towards me and dad (nasty towards me, sweet with dad/husband). Husband doesn’t have my back. Very close with son as he has a kind heart.

I feel at a loss. Leaving this world would damage my son, so I want to stay for him. Daughter may be too young to realise the impact of her actions. I feel like a terrible mum.
I’ve given up the fight. I can’t go on. I have a plan to end it but can’t put my son through it.

If I leave the family, I have no money or no where to go. I will be homeless, still with no hope (other than my son not being hurt). 
I’m completely lost and don’t know where to turn or get myself out. 
I have lost all confidence and self respect and lack any drive.
If I stay, I’m a burden to my family so it’s only fair for them (husband & daughter) that I leave. No benefit to myself in staying alive. People always comment on me seeing the positive in every situation, which I try, however the end result proves otherwise.
I’ve explained my situation to my husband last week, things improved for couple days, now he and daughter ganging up worse than before.
I’m mid 4’s and feel completely helpless. 
Don’t know why I’m writing this or who to - just no where else to express myself confidentially. 

[Jan]

Hello Lost

ism sorry to hear the pain you are experiencing.  I can’t imagine everything you are feeling.  But I have some insight into some of things. We lost a family member to suicide she had a son and daughter and they miss her everyday and it has really impacted their lives.  My husband is also not good with depression so I found two people I can trust, a friend and a family member who support me.  But I still feel down at times, that’s why Iam reading beyond blue.  I also have a daughter and there will be times daughters will be distant and challenge you and make you sad.  Find one or two things you enjoy and the family might start to notice the changes and be more caring.  Your son sounds delightful by the way. Take care Jan 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like one of the most torturous times in your life. My heart goes out to you so much, more than you can imagine.

I can relate to certain elements that you've expressed. While my kids are a little older (22yo daughter and 19yo son) and I've been married for 22 years, some years ago I'd have classed my son as the most sensitive, my daughter challenging in a number of ways and my husband unable to feel in the ways I really needed him to at times, especially when I was depressed. My son was always my anchor person to this world. Before him, it was my nephew. So important that we have someone who keeps us here while we try so hard to work out who we really are and how we tick. It really can be hard, stressful and depressing work at times but the revelations come as our reward for all that work.

Not sure if will help to know but some of my revelations over the years have included

• I can't do life without a solid guide or guides at times. If I can't feel or see my way through certain challenges, I can feel so incredibly lost and alone in the dark. Sometimes I need people who can feel for me while also gaining a greater feel for what my challenges are about. When it comes to the way ahead, they also see the way ahead for me. They're my seers
• I figured out that my husband, while being basically supportive, is definitely not one of my guides. He's unwilling and therefor unable to feel where I'm at. He doesn't want to feel too much because it stresses or upsets him. Also, he's typically not much of a visionary when it comes to seeing the way ahead
• The most challenging child can be the one that pushes the most in the way of a parent's self development. They can be the one who challenges us the most, to change (leading us to become more open minded, more tolerant, more conscious of our emotions, a better listener etc). The gentler child is the one who offers relief from the challenges. Both children can be just as sensitive as us but their sensitivity can be expressed very differently. Btw, my daughter has turned out to be one of my greatest guides and supporters in life

Just a few of many revelations over the years. The biggest one of all, the real game changer in the way of self acceptance and self esteem is...we can be 'feelers' or 'sensitives', the kind of people who feel or sense so much. The up side or bright side is you can feel the joyful and inspiring stuff and you can feel moments of great relief. You can even feel the positive charge that comes with certain revelations. The down or dark side is you can feel a lot of the stressful and depressing stuff too. Two sides of the same deeply feeling sensitive coin. If we're stuck feeling nothing but the down or dark side, it can become incredibly depressing. If being able to feel or sense is an ability (that can feel like more of a curse at times), who shows us how to master that ability so that it doesn't get the better of us while becoming exhausting and making life feel intolerable?

If I had left this world at any stage after my kids were born, technically I would have been leaving 2 very deeply feeling sensitive kids to be raised by a man who refuses to feel or sense in ways that make a constructive difference. Myself and my kids are all brilliant guides for each other. Took me years to work that out 🙂❤️