Hi

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

Am slowly getting better & have slowly realized to give up on ideas happening at work...for the simple reason that my colleagues are not proactive. Took me 15 years to figure it out.

I've been listening to podcasts & Jay Shetty & mindful ones at work which has helped.

What my sin is, is that some of my colleagues I think have big egos & when they're being egotiscal they're abit awful & feel guilty that I've given up on them on doing anything & my sin is that I think they're useless. That's bad isn't it, to think your bosses are useless & to even hope they get taken away.  Not sure if this is worth it to put up. 

I do feel stupid for ever having hope & I want my hope to go, with them of course, as its totally useless. I know it won't happen, its in the bottom of my soul. Maybe it might happen with other bosses, but new bosses won't be for long time. Reactive people in government don't get removed - oh, not fair - it makes me loose faith in government. Hope that's okay to say. The main thing is I want to give up hope in them - mainly for my mental health

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

Welcome back.

Sure it's ok to say that about government, probably not the many people would argue anyway.

I'm not sure it is so much about giving up hope, wiht governments or you work, as having personal high standards and a common sense that sees potential for improvements.

There is hope as there are a lot of people like you , it's just that in your particular organisation there do not appear to be many of them.

Perhaps looking at work as something you endure so that you then have the resources to do enjoyable or satisfying activities after the end of the working day. It is important for oyur self esteem and being more comfortable in you life to put all work matters ot one side.

I would suggest you allot a specific time each day for such activities, maybe in the evening - I don't know what you would like but I'm sure you can thing of several things - and this regular self-reward gives something to look forward to each day.

Croix

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Croix

Thanks for that, I thought that was too controversial for here.

I'll give it a try, have annoyed my mother & also two people with texts - with my obession. 

On Sunday, had angry outberk at home, when thought it was out of me.

I wrote in journal & did self talk of telling myself to just give up.

I'm trying to find another job. I do have purpose in going to work - but it doesn't feel like a purpose, just money for jam. Very little work. 

I do feel bad a little in wanting the higher ups to be taken away & "better" people in. 

Am writing story & doing a jigsaw puzzle & gardening & housework & just trying to give up on certain people. 

Also, am glad am single, I deserve it. With my shit.

I have an colleague who is always happy with manager & I wish I could be like that too but I can't as I'm dissappointed in her, though she's only doing what she's capable off.  & there's someone else there who gave up their librarian job as they didn't want to sit next to 2 librarians on the ref desk. 

I've wasted my life with the anxiety/anger & I need to learn before I am able to get another job.

Everytime I think I think I'm better - than it comes out again & I can't really blame my hormones, not fair

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

I think you may be right, and that just getting a new job may not be enough.

I remember in one of your previos posts you were starting on medication for anxiety, and previous to that you did not have a psychiatrist.

You have concentrated for many years about the faults of management, even though they talk well and now that work is 'money for jam' as it is not taxing but simply earns money

I was in just one job and I found that there were many things in it that I was unhappy with, it was not a good job as management  would use people till they could do no more then get someone fresh.

This made me very unhappy, stressed and depressed over a long period, and eventually I sought medical help, and a couple of things made me change, yes that is a change in me.

I guess first was hte therapy with my psychiatrist and meds. Then I was lucky to have an understanding and supportive partner.

The third thing was I started to work at the original job part time and had two more. This had a great deal going for it, I was not locked in to just the one work environment  and whenever I left one job and went to the next the attention that took helped me to leave the anger and worries about the first job behind, see them more in proportion. 

While I am suggesting, unless you have already done so, to try to get some treatment for intrusive thoughts and anxiety from a psychiatrist, or failing that a psychologist I am not suggesting you leave your job and get another.

What I am suggesting is to do much as I have done, though as I expect you work full time the alternatives may not be other jobs but volunteering, an area where there a huge variety of activities from Rural Fires Authority office work to leading people round a museum explaining art works.

Work can be an all inclusive environment and take over your life, so by having a 'reset' each time you go to the other activity(s) this helps reduce the thinking about your bosses at the original.

BTW would you like to say what the story is about?

Croix