Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. The job hunt has gone well thanks! I finally received a letter of offer for a job at the local council. The job is casual which is great as I can do tafe at the same time. I will basically be interviewing young people in the area and researching what kinds of support they would like from the council. I also start my diploma soon which is exciting. Regarding the courses I will let you know how triggering they are but from my research I have heard that the content is delivered in a very appropriate and safe manner for those with lived experience. 

Great to hear that HR finally got back to you. Let us know how you go with your first shift on Friday. I'm sure being back at work will help with your mental health and I hope you are also able to keep up all the other great things you've been doing! Be sure to touch base with your GP though if you are feeling overwhelmed or if your mental health is going backward. Unfortunately from experience, recovery is not a linear slope and it can sometimes feel like going one step forward, two steps back. 

No worries at all. It is great speaking with you too as I don't really open up about my mental health with friends or family much. 🙂

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

Im so glad you found a job and it sounds like one you would be good at and enjoy. I’m excited for you with the job and starting your diploma. I so hope for you that all goes well. 

I did hit crisis stage last week. Then I got a call to say my nan was dying. I sat by her bed for 19 hrs until she passed. I was there when her soul left the world. It was an honour to be with her even though it was devastating. But she is in a better place as she had dementia. Her funeral is tomorrow. 
Im really struggling with it considering my MH wasn’t in the best place before. 

Monday and Tuesday were the worst. I went into a crisis. I had to reach out for help. Then it was Wednesday when I got the call. 

I did get to return to work Friday. My meeting went really well and then I was back to it on full duties. I was hesitant about going as I was grieving but I think it did me some good. I worked all weekend as well. It just meant I wasn’t able to help with the funeral arrangements. Mum just buried her head in the sand and I had to force her to face it. It all finally got organised today and it’s tomorrow! I feel so much pressure right now. I feel like I’m headed towards a breakdown. It’s just all been way to hard. I’m hoping once I get through tomorrow all will be ok. I have organised to see my nurse on Wednesday afternoon though. Just to help me recover. 

Sorry that was long winded. I just needed to get it all out. 

Thank you so much

Captain

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Please don't apologise for the longer post. It is great to hear from you.

Thank you for the well wishes. I started TAFE yesterday and am enjoying it so far. I'm looking forward to getting into a routine and hopefully staying on top of everything.

I'm so sorry to hear about your nan as well as your crisis last week. It must of been incredibly tough especially with everything else going on for you at the moment. I know what you mean though when you say she is in a better place. My mum passed away from cancer last year and it was a bit of a relief not having in her in so much pain toward the end. I hope the funeral went well on Tuesday. It must have been difficult for you and your mum. 

How did you nurse appointment go this afternoon? I'm hoping after the funeral you feel a bit less pressure. I would definitely allow some time for grieving and to let your stress levels normalise though. This can take a while and will require some support. So be sure to reach out when you need it. 

Bob

[Captain T]

Sorry it’s been a while. 

I did have a breakdown after the funeral and everyone left. My head was racing with thought I couldn’t control. I hated being a live and just want to follow nan in her journey. 

My nurse wanted to put me in hospital for safety reasons. I wouldn’t go. She described it as a severe anxiety episode. It was so hard to fight. 

The episode is still on going and I don’t know if I have the strength left in me. I’ve been given new prn to take which is helping a little but it’s all just below the surface. I shake and have numbness in my feet and hands. 

O go in holiday’s tomorrow with my parents and that’s going to trigger me even more. I have to go as it’s to see my brother and take my dog to the beach. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Im not liking my life right now

Sorry for the confusing negative post. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update and its good to hear from you. Don't ever be sorry for posting a negative post. I'm sorry again about your nan and to hear that you've been struggling with anxiety lately. I'd hope that the upcoming holiday would help but it sounds like it will be even more stressful for you which is a shame. It sounds like you're also dealing with some grief from the passing of your nan which is tough. If you're interested and need to talk to someone, I'd recommend contacting griefline which is a great grief service that provide telephone counselling and online support. https://griefline.org.au/ 

Please keep us updated on how you're going. I hope work is going okay for you at least.

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob 

So my life reached crisis’s level on Monday night. I started researching quantities and ways of ending it. I was scared at how low I was. It has been a struggle to come back from that depth of despair. I still research it some night's

I have been on holidays since Tuesday. I have been able to find myself some alone time each day which has been helpful. I’m also learning more and more how much I have outgrown my parents thoughts of me. 

Day to day life is still a struggle. But I think I will get through this as I have before. It could just be a very rocky ride. 

I hope you are well and that the course is going well. How’s the job going? Are you enjoying it? 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update, it is good to hear from you. I'm so sorry that you've been struggling. Please contact one of the bb counsellors over the phone or online chat at anytime you feel like you are struggling or having dark thoughts like that. I'm glad to hear that you've somewhat improved though since Monday. 

I'm glad that you can take away a positive from the holiday in that you are more than what your parents expect of you. So often our families' standards can impact our self esteem. I'm the exact same. My mother was the one who believed I was capable of anything and when she passed away I felt like I lost my biggest supporter. The rest of my close and extended family view me as somewhat of a failure. It is important to look inward when this happens. At times like these I think it would be important to keep a thought diary but me personally am too lazy haha. 

I am well thanks. I started my casual job at council a few weeks ago and it's been great. It's mainly research and I get to chose my hours which is nice. We are currently working on a local youth action plan. I'm also hoping to start going to an art therapy group in a few weeks time which I'm looking forward to. I feel like it's easy to get in my own head sometimes. 

Please keep me updated on how you're going. I hope the rest of the holiday goes okay. And please remember to visit https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor when you are in a crisis. 

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

Im glad you’re enjoying your job. Art therapy sounds good. 

The rest of the holiday went well. I’m home now. 

Im really not doing very well at all. I’m really depressed and want to give up. At the moment I don’t even want to keep going. I wish I wasn’t here anymore. I’m really hating life and don’t know why. 

Sorry I just needed to get it out. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update and for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing well. Don't apologise at all, that is what we're here for.

I know the holiday must have been stressful overall. How are you feeling now? How's work going?

I hope things are okay. Please remember to reach out to your supports if you need it. Or to the counsellors here as well. 

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

Hope you are well and the art classes are working out for you. How’s the study going?

My anxiety is causing concern at them moment. My anti-anxiety meds have been increased so I’m just waiting for them to kick in. 

I’ve been having trouble with motivation lately and just can’t get anything done. My house is a mess and I hate looking at it but just sit on the lounge not doing anything about it. I haven’t even showered or left the house for three days. I do have to go to work in the morning so I guess that will help sort me out. 

Im feeling really low and flat and not wanting to be here. I keep hoping with each med adjustment it will improve. Here’s hoping this one works. I’m tired and mentally exhausted from this mess that’s my life. 

Anyway sorry for another negative update. 

Captain T