Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Thank you so much Bob.

I think the anxiety medication is working ok. I do have some moments of stability which is a good sign. But I spiral down so easily and rapidly. 
 

My nurse tried to start unpacking things last week and this week and it’s causing me a lot of discomfort. I know I need to get it unpacked and sifted through or I will not heal. However it sends me into dangerous mindset. I knew it was going to be hard work but I didn’t realise where I would end up.

Im pretty low tonight and my nurse expected that so I have to send her a checkin email in the morning confirming that I am safe.

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thank you for the update. It is great to hear that the medication might look like it's starting to work. It's also amazing that you've started some sessions with the nurse from the mental health team. It sounds like they really care if they are asking you to send check in emails. Remember that these sessions are for you and you are welcome to explore as much or as little as you feel comfortable. In essence, you can dictate the speed and content if you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Please keep us updated and take care💙

Bob

[Captain T]

Hey Bob

Just an update.

From feeling so low that I wanted to end it all. I got really close. Then I had a hypo last week. Got Covid for the third time! It bought me down a little. But now I’m feeling really great. Apparently a little to great though as my nurse has organised and emergency psychiatrist appointment for tomorrow.

Hoping things are going well for you. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. Sorry that it's taken a while to get back to you. Good to hear that you're feeling good. How did the appointment go on Thursday?

Bob

[quirkywords]

Captain T 

I have been reading your posts. I am glad you are feeling better 

How did your psychiatrist appointment go?

Take care

[Captain T]

Hi Bob and quirkywords 

Nice to meet you quirkywords!

Sorry for the late update.

My psychiatrist appointment went ok. She has changed my mood stabiliser. I have to gradually increase it and gradually decrease the other one. 

I’ve been pretty up and down. I had the Work Christmas party just as my hypo finished. My social phobia kicked in. I was to scared to get out of the car until someone came and I could walk in with them. I felt socially awkward. I struggled to make conversation and just couldn’t mingle so I went home early. 

The night after I was really suicidal but I call SCBS and they talked me through some strategies. It took a couple of days to come back up. 

I then hurt my back pretty badly and spent the morning in ED. I missed a dose of my antidepressant and it put me in a slight elevation. That was fun!!! 

I’ve come back down from that and felt a little flat but today I think I’m me. It’s hard to know as I don’t really remember who I am. 

Thanks for reading. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear about your back and the work christmas party. Good to hear though that things seem to be settling down. It always takes an adjustment after a series of radical events to normalise. I hope the medication change goes well for you. I know when I was put on mood stabilisers it seemed to help a fair bit.

Please keep us updated and let us know how you're going. 💙

Bob

[Captain T]

So my stability only lasted for a week. I wish I could stay on last weeks medication. I will ask the psychiatrist when I see her in 2 weeks.

Ive gone back into a deep depression and I hate it. I hate myself. I don’t want to do this anymore. My nurse is away so my biggest support is unavailable. This roller coaster is out of control. 

I know that there is better days ahead but I’m struggling to get through the now. 

Sorry for being negative 

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

No need to be sorry at all. I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. Was there a medication change? It's good to hear though that you recognise that there are better days ahead. I hope things stabilise again when you see your psychiatrist and your nurse comes back from leave. How are you travelling otherwise?

Bob

[Captain T]

Hi Bob

Im still reducing one of the mood stabilisers. I think that may be the problem. I was in a lot of distress this afternoon so I rang the GP’s office and they checked with her and she squeezed me in. You can’t get a gp app in town for at least 3 weeks. She was going to schedule me but I promised her I would stay safe over the weekend. I have to call her on Monday.

I went to a Work function this evening. I was anxious as I didn’t think I would know anyone. The HR manager looked after me until I was comfortable to mingle. It actually went well. It was a great distraction. I don’t feel really good being home alone though. I will just go to bed to remain safe and hopefully tomorrow is a better day