Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Sophie_M]

Hi Captain T
 
We are sorry it’s been a struggle for you today Captain T but we wanted to say thank you for posting and letting us know that you are working hard to keep yourself safe this evening. 
 
We reached out to you privately to check in with you and see if we can offer any additional support and encourage you to reach out if you need to either via phone 1300 22 4636 or WebChat , If you are in need of immediate support, please click here; you may also wish to contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
 
As our lovely community members, including therising, Bob 22 and Petall22 noted, please know that you are not alone in this community and we are always here for you.  Please be kind to yourself.


Warm Regards,
 
Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi Captain T,

I hope you're having a better day today. I know what you mean when you refer to that numb feeling. It's very distressing not being able to feel your emotions or feel excited about anything. I was at a wedding yesterday and it was disappointing watching everyone else have a good time while I was mostly sad or anxious throughout. 

I'm sure with the team here, along with your psychiatrist we can find a way through this. Please keep to your safety plan as well. I'm sure you have already seen it, but just in case Beyond Now is a good resource for creating a safety plan if you don't already have one. 🙂💙

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Bob

[Captain T]

Today I just wish I wasn’t here. 

I have the beyond now app and have a safety plan Bob. I can’t talk to anyone as I can’t even describe how I feel or why I feel this way. 
Ive tried breathing Petall. Nothing seems to work. I just have nothing left and at this stage want nothing 

Sorry about your weight gain JusTam. It’s really not helpful to ad more issues to what is already going in 

[therising]

Hi Captain T

It's horrible, absolutely horrible, what you're going through. Depression can be so incredibly brutal, so cruel.

Not sure if this will make sense or be of some help but...It's strange to think that inner dialogue for most of us does not come in the form of a voice but in the form of words. The tone is added based on our frame of mind at the time. Take the inner dialogue that can sound like 'What is the point in living?'. It's possible to hear it in 2 very different ways, based on 2 very different tones. You can have 1) 'What is the point in living!', stated or declared in a depressing tone, based on our mindset. Exactly the same words can come to mind when we're in a soulful philosophical mood. 'What is the point in living?', asked in a lighthearted tone, becomes a genuine question that becomes of interest. It's a question that asks a person to begin looking for the meaning.

I've found tone plays a major part in internal dialogue.

In defeat, we can sadly hear in our mind 'People can be so cruel'. In recognition or acknowledgement of some truth, 'People can be so cruel' becomes revealing. Managing cruelty first requires awareness. In defeat, we can sadly hear in our mind, with a depressing tone, 'I have no purpose'. In regard to feeling somewhat empty, we can suddenly wake up to 'I have no purpose' as a revelation, prompting us to begin looking for purpose. We first have to know it's not being recognised before we can go on to find it.

When people speak of higher consciousness, they kind of make it all sound glittery and pretty but, in truth, I've found it to be horrible and brutal at times. The 'wake up' calls can be depressing at first, waking up to what you weren't conscious of before. I had heard the words in my mind, quite often, 'No one loves me'. While I found it depressing whenever they would come to mind, with such word came the eventual realisation - 'No one loves me in the ways I need them to at times and that is not my fault'. I've found, I know when someone's loving me in the right ways, I feel it, no matter how depressed I am. There are times where, with the right people around, we can be loved back to life.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

I understand it’s hard.

When I was in the grips of my condition I’d say to myself Fall Down 7

GET UP 8…….

“Keep getting up” no matter how many times you are knocked down. 💪

Thats how winning is done .

If things are feeling really low at the moment Captain T maybe you could get in touch with your mental health team and organise an earlier appointment with your psychiatrist? If you want to.

Your not alone, we are here with you.

Keep up the fight

[JustTam84]

Hi Captain T

not sure if it’s on any comfort, but I’m not out the woods yet either. Just when I think I can handle feeling nothing, the darkness starts to overpower. I’m really sick of it. But I’m counting on feeling better again some day. I have to. And you’re right, it’s really hard to talk to other people when you don’t know how to explain it. 
but we have all seen how strong you are. I mean depression is ugly and horrible and debilitating and look at you fighting. You are stronger than you think you are. Easily said, I know. But I’m here putting up the fight with you all the way hun x

keep fighting until you get that right medication, hope things hurry along for you xx

[Captain T]

so sorry that you are feeling this way JustTam. 

I went to the psychiatrist and have had a medication change. I’m feeling really dark still and very alone. I’m hoping in a month when everything kicks in that I will feel better. However a month is a long time to wait. Hopefully I start to see improvement before than. I can’t keep being in the dark. I thought the dark periods would get shorter but I’m still in it. 

Being alone is not helping nor is being off work. I can’t go back to work until I’m starting to feel better but without going to work how do I feel better? 

Sorry for the ramble but I just need to get it out in the hope that I may improve 

[ecomama]

Dear Captain T & JustTams,  

I've read posts & see a pattern... of "something missing". 

Disclaimer - I'm not a therapist. 
Credibility perhaps? I'm doing well having survived many years of clinical depression, diagnosed decades ago, "well" for around 8y. 

I understand the grip you perceive depression has over you. 

Imagine me giving you a HUGE hug, then straight talking, because you're WORTH IT. 

This >>> "but without going to work how do I feel better?"  sparked me to write the following. 

You're getting there with some realisations CT. 

I truly believe we cannot rely on meds alone. 

We need to control our thought patterns. 
We need to put activities and behaviours in place as a replacements. 

We need to WANT better Mental HEALTH. 
But wanting & meds alone will not improve our lives. 

"Safety plans" are needed at times. 
Look well above that and aim for a wonderful life. 

It IS within your power. 
Depression does not own you as you may perceive. 
You OWN your own mind. 

I was prescribed meds at different times. None "worked". I dropped them completely & worked on this alone. 

It's hard work! But it's possible & attainable. 

We can't blame bosses for not having you back at work. Their views are to NOT make your MH worse, I applaud them realising this. 
You feel the need for daily time being "industrious". I agree 100%!
It's our anthropological need. 
I have personal "longitudinal" observations on this. 

Love EM

[Captain T]

I appreciate straight talk EM.. 

I am so low that I just want to give up. I know I have to fight and the only person that can do that is me. But at the moment I don’t have any fight left. I can only hope that I wake up with some fight. I’m going to push myself to at least go for a short walk in the morning. I also need to do housework, if my house is clean it helps too. 

I do feel like I’m relying on the meds to help. So I need to change that mindset. 

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Your not alone Captain T we are here with you please remember that.

Captain T I understand that when we don’t have physical face to face contact with people we can feel isolated I remember feeling this way.

Something I would do regularly was make myself go out every day to the shops and cafes….. I’d make a point to have conversations with the staff that worked at the shops.

Id say hello to other customers and I’d sit down at a cafe and drink a cup of coffee. I’d make sure I sat in the cafe with other people because this made me feel less alone and more connected to other people.

Even now the staff at the shops that I befriended are still my friends and they have no idea that just by them being kind to me and having a conversation really helped me when I was feeling so anxious in those times.

Maybe you could try this.

But you need to make yourself do this…. A depressed mind won’t want to do anything you have to drive it and make it do things.

Im glad to hear you saw your psychiatrist and your medication was adjusted…… this is helping you ….. our journeys are a marathon but it’s a marathon you are winning.

Keep persevering……………. “ your a persevera” 

Keep up the fight 💪