Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

[Beryl]

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone?  Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?    More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it?  These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

[White_Rose]

Dear Freesia

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Beryl has also welcomed you in her own wonderful fashion. Now you can feel at home and ready, I hope, to join in the conversation.

At this stage I'm not sure what to talk about as your post is very brief. Could you tell us more about what is happening with you. We all have our good and bad days, although there are times when the bad outweighs the good.  Laughing is a great pick-me-up. I have just spent a weekend away and much of the time we were laughing. When you are with friends it's easy to laugh, usually about nothing at all, just enjoying the company of others.

I think we often feel as though we are in a play, but then so do many other people. There are songs and poems on this subject and I love to find another one. It is always reassuring to know we are not alone. The Beatles wrote on the topic, remember Penny Lane? Also one of my favourite singers/songwriters, John Denver.

Learning and knowing your own lines is useful in some situations, but there are many occasions when we need to speak our own truths. Knowing the difference is, of course, the trick. Remember you can always phone BB if life is getting you down too much. The number is 1300 22 4636 and is available 24/7. Or you can Chat Online by clicking on the red box below.

I hope to see a reply from you soon.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, today was like a whirlwind, ive been preparing meals to freeze for everybody because im going interstate for a few days soon to bury my fathers ashes. I feel i want to get this over with. I dealt with both my parents deaths by myself, the grief the sorting out of everything, funerals ,the lot. Its been hard and ive felt sorry for myself at times. I feel so alone and such an orphan.im full to the brim with sadness and tears about both of them. I tried so hard to get to know them. I so wanted to feel like i lived in a family. As a child and growing up i felt like a nuisance, an inconvenience and was brushed aside, put down, insulted, belittled, controlled and made to feel ugly,dissapointing and worthless. My father didnt even use my name, i was just miss. I wanted to just dissapear. I still do. So there it is, i am going off to bury a box of confusion and sadness and all the dreams of a little girl that he took away from me. Someone nice picked up on my sadness today when i had to say where i was going, they said, remember the good stuff. How could they know there wasnt any.           I think it might be normal to hate them, but i dont. I used to but i forgave them so long ago after heaps of therapy. Now if i think of them i just look deeply into a bottomless well of melancholy. I see myself as a little girl, an innocent, harmless, kind little person being steadily emotionally torn to shreads and all my hopes taken away. That little girl wandered and wandered the meadows alone looking for love and comfort and all she could find was natures beauty to get lost in and be absorbed by. And there she went away. And i am what is left. I long to go back in time and find myself, but that can never be. Im burying what made it happen. It feels strange.      Hugs to you white rose, beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Good to hear from you. I started to reply in the early hours of this morning, went back to check something you had written on a previous page and lost what I had posted. Very clever. It made me so cranky with myself that I decided I was tired and needed to go back to bed. So here goes attempt two.

I am most impressed by your travel plan, even though it is a sad occasion. Good stuff. You say you are burying the past. I hope you mean laying it to rest. There is a difference. We often try to bury our hurts but they have a habit of popping up again. Laying them to rest means that you have reached some ease with the events. Perhaps this could be a topic with either your psychologist or new psychiatrist?

Congratulations by the way on seeing your GP and getting a new referral. Did you find the process easy, or easier, this time?

I am an orphan too, but then many people my age have parents who have passed away. I particularly miss my mother who died in 1999. I think I have similar feelings to you as I always felt my mother was more concerned with my middle sister. But then I remember that I had quite a few bouts of pneumonia as a child and my mother knitted me woollen vests to protect my chest from the cold. They were pink and had a drawstring neckline with pink pompoms. This was a loving detail I now realise even though it was the bane of my life at school. For PE in primary school we had to strip to our vests and undies, and I was revealed in all the glory of a bright pink vest with pompoms. I used to put my cardigan back on but this did not always work.

When my mom died I went back to the UK for her funeral and helped my oldest sister to clear her home. I brought many items home with me, or rather I shipped them here. It's always been good to have that link.

On Thursday I started work with another psychologist. I can't remember if I told you. My usual psych wanted me to talk to someone experienced with domestic violence. I was so nervous but I discovered that she is a gentle person and very pleasant so maybe it will be OK. I will continue to see the original psych.

I do hope you find some rest when you bury your father's ashes.

with love

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose. Sorry its been such a long time since i replied. I have been away and  attended to my fathers last wishes. I went today to a new psychiatrist and got some medication which i start tomorrow. I am also going to start attending a day clinic to do some programmes which she thinks will help. She says i need a lot of help and wants to see me again soon. I will go. I hope you are well and getting along ok, i miss your writing so much. Beryl.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beryl

Great to hear from you again. Did everything go well with the burial of your father's ashes?  I do hope this has given you some peace. How was the trip?

So pleased you went to see the psychiatrist. I imagine this will be a better option financially and hopefully better for your recovery. It's great there are local programs available to you, another link on your journey.  Have you planned regular meetings with the psychiatrist? It all sounds very promising.

I am getting along OK. Saw the new psych for the third time yesterday and it was quite a painful experience going over some aspects of my marriage. This is the first time we have actually talked about it. I was getting quite cranky with what I consider small talk and the getting to know you stuff. I much prefer jumping straight in and getting on with the job. Apparently I have a limited number of sessions with her so I am unsure what this will achieve. It's something we will discuss next meeting.

The weather has grown cold again here and I find myself putting the heater on more often. I moved the furniture round the house to make a space for my craft work so I could leave projects out instead of clearing them off the dining table. I was looking to buy a new table until I remembered I had a small dining table in the garage that would do. So I put the car in the drive and had a huge clear out. Threw away a large number of items. No idea why I had kept them but no doubt the reason was valid once. So now I can find the various bits and pieces I need without a major upheaval every time.

The table fits nicely and there is room for a small chest of drawers which contain various craft items. Everything in one place. I feel really good about it.

One the garage finds was a bag of various bulbs. All in neat bags with descriptions as they came from the nurseries. I cannot believe I forgot about them. I have now planted them but I do not know if they are viable. Neither do I know if they will flower as it is a bit late in the year for planting. I can but try.

My daughter had a suspect lump cut out from her cheek a couple of days ago. She will get the pathology results tomorrow when she sees the GP. Not many GPs work on Saturday so I am surprised.

It is really lovely to have you back. Now you can concentrate on getting well again.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hi Beryl

How are you going? I am wondering what you are up to.  When do you start at the day clinic? Looking forward to hearing all about it.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, i hope your happy and well. I wrote a big reply last night but it didnt get through, so here we go again!  Two days into new medication and nothing to tell, just nausia, dry mouth and apathy. I know it will take a few weeks to kick in. Your garage blitz was inspiring, it made me move some furniture ive been meaning to do for eons and start reorganising little areas around the house. I concreted the broken bit in the footpath out front and made a proper crushed rock path in the back yard.  Since i got back from doing my last daughterly duty for dad ive been thinking what a big thing it is that i have done by myself. I am almost proud of myself for doing this meaningfull thing. It was a time of exhausting subconcious emotion and pools of tears enough to fill a well. Im relieved its over, although i feel strongly that they have both deserted me.                                                     Its good to hear you have some space to do your crafts, what are you making at the moment? I would love to hear all about it.  I am very lucky to have a studio here to do my work.  I do lots of papercrafts, medeval calligraphy, handmade gemstone jewellery, illuminated letters, a bit of painting and all sorts of one offs. People come to me for things they cant get anywhere else. Years ago in england i was a dock painter on the canals. I lived on a narrow boat and travelled all over the canal network, painting as i went. In the winter i painted fleets of hire boats at the boat yards. I would do the sign writing, pin striping, harlequin patterens, twisted tillers and roses and castles. There was a lot more to it but i would have to tell you bit by bit. It was another lifetime ago before i got sick. I miss me.  Once i got to paint two giant cheshire cats from alice in wonderland on each side of a boat for some one.   I used to barter my painting with the lock keeper for buckets of coal and eggs and fish. After i left the boats i did more sign writing, shops, car fleets, plant, lots of signs and one offs.it was cold in the winter on the boat. Snow would pile up on the roof like a sugar loaf with the two shiney black chimney stacks with polished brass bands around them poking out into the day. When the ice froze to 1 foot thick we would smash a hole in it with a pick axe so that the swans could get to the water. I remember one time the teapot froze and when the ice expanded inside it overnight the teapot broke. Lucky it was on a tray!  Time to go, love beryl

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

What a lovely post and what a fascinating life you have led. I know about the narrow boats. My daughter went to the UK many years ago and worked on the boats all one summer. She had a ball and I think would like to do it again. Minor details like husband and children are a drawback.

I have watched many TV programs about narrow boats and canals and also about painting. The experts make it look easy but I'm certain it's not.

Great that you have started your ADs. Side effects can be a nuisance but hopefully they will wear off and you will start benefiting soon. I am so please you have decided to try and wish you well on this venture.

You should be proud of yourself for carrying out your father's wishes. It's no light thing to do. The tears were painful I'm sure but we do need to grieve. I can relate to the feeling of being abandoned. I felt like this when my mom died and there are times when I still feel this way, even though she died 15 years ago.

At the moment I returned to scrapbooking. I have almost finished a double page of my parent's wedding. I'm really happy with the picture of the bridal pair but I feel the facing page with the pictures of the wedding party and one of all the guests is a bit bland. Trying to decide the best option for adding a bit of life without making it look glitzy or overdone. Concentrating on the fine detailed work is really good for me. No time to brood on other matters.

I am want to sew some dresses for my 5 yo granddaughter for the summer and complete a X stitch sampler for the youngest granddaughter.

Whoops! A visitor has arrived. Talk later.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Beryl

How are you going? How is the medication? I hope the side effects are subsiding.

I will shortly be going to a funeral and this always makes me feel sad. The woman who died was one of our church organists. I suppose her death was not entirely unexpected as she was about 85. I did not know her well but she gave the church a huge service and I am going out of respect for that.

Finally finished the scrapbook pages and I am very pleased with the outcome. Now it's time to start scrapbooking other photos. I have started to lose weight and I am very pleased. Also have a more challenging routine at the gym, which is good form.

I discovered a week or so ago that the blood pressure medication I have been taking causes me to feel very tired. This happened with another blood pressure medication so I should not have been surprised.  Now I have stopped taking it I feel so energised and so much more motivated to do things.

Look forward to hearing about your activities.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Haven't heard from you for a while. I hope all is well. You sounded very positive in your last post which is great.

You commented that you "miss me". How is the search to find yourself going? It is important to feel connected to yourself in all your incarnations, so to speak. After, that's how you came to be where you are now.

I hope you can find time to write in again. Looking forward to your post.

Mary