no direction, no joy.

[C_L25]

Hi there, I am seriously struggling. From an early age I was subjected to sexual abuse and through fear and threats I was forced to remain quiet about it for many years. Almost 10 years later, through a member of family whom was also affected by this our story came out, we went to the police and the courts process began and the perpetrator was sentenced to 13 years in prison. This time was emotional for all our family and accordingly we were referred to a counselor in this area of expertise  who I saw on a weekly basis. Counselling seemed to assist over the 2 year period I attended and I found myself needing to go there less, and my willingness to go out and socialize with people and achieve day to day activities gradually started to increase. For the next few years I seemed to be fine, I lost a heap of weight, actually managed to complete my degree and work two cafe jobs and maintain a reasonably stable work/life balance.About mid-way last year I decided to properly pursue my career using the degree I had achieved and in doing so resigned from my cafe job at the time, giving a full months notice and thoroughly explaining that I was doing this for me, to start pursuing the job I had worked so hard for. I had began applying for jobs since I completed my degree in 2013, and throughout 2014. By July I had still heard either nothing or "no" from dozens of applied jobs so as a last resort to not do nothing and earn some cash over summer I applied for a job at Aldi. Shocked I received a reply in minutes and was successful in my application.After being accepted though I felt this overwhelming guilt that all who had received my 'searching for my career' info had been deceived and I became embarrassed and withdrawn.This feeling continually ate at me which I ignored as I kept thinking to myself "a job is a job', but that feeling of worthlessness & not being able to achieve anything higher than a supermarket job caused me to shy away from not only my old work colleagues but friends and family as well.I cry so much and feel constantly down and dissatisfied. Motivation to do daily things that I enjoy such as walking or going out have gone over the past year and now I can not even go out in public without my chest tightening and feeling anxious at how much people will judge me for my past choices and how little I have achieved.I also feel everyone hates me.I actually have no idea how to get back on track as my past habits and current feelings have severely intertwined

[Girlbond_007]

Hi, please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know what it feels like to think people are judging you. I think this comes down to our self esteem levels and rejection. I personally think that there are many degree qualified people out there but not enough jobs for them. If you enjoy your job it shouldn't matter what it is doing even if it's cleaning. You can only do what you can at the time. 

perhaps seek some professional counselling and talk to your GP. 

Take and day at a time. Best wishes

[Guest_1055]

Hello C.L25,

After reading your first couple of sentences, I felt sad, I hate the thought of a little one being abused in this way. And you were one of these precious little ones, and you still are precious by the way. I am sorry precious one.

 And do you know what? I think I have come to the conclusion so far  that our worth is never based on the following:

- What we physically look like

- How someone fails to love us

- What work we do

 - The words some people say to us that bring us pain

- The amount of material possessions we have, or do not have

- Our education

But what I think is true is that our worth comes from the fact we are all precious. Every single one of us. I am still learning this myself. I hope you read this reply precious one.

With much love xxx

[Turtle_eyes]

I think you have done amazing things considering the terrible abuse that you suffered for so many years. To work in an open environment like a Cafe, and study and achieve a degree is extremely brave of you.....I dip my hat in respect.

I have trained as a Chef and also in Fine Woodworking, but I do neither now. I find that what you train to do and what you end up doing can be quite different things.....but funnily enough the skills you earn from them help you greatly in the position you end up in. You will find that comes true in your position at Aldi.

Remember that it does not matter what you do, but how you do it. The world needs people like you who have the strength and courage to soldier on in the face of great obstacles, and to share their stories of successes and failures. 

Sometimes I feel like a King, and totally sorted, at others I am like Mercury running all over the place achieving little, with my cap down over my eyes, afraid and anxious, but in the end I remember that we are human beings not human doings.

Hope this helps.