Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

[Beryl]

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone?  Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?    More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it?  These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Yes there are people out there. We are all here ready to chat with you and offer our experiences of depression etc. I hope you will find some useful information here.

You make no mention of any professional mental health. Do you receive any help? If not then I suggest you start by having a chat with your GP. I see you have a some physical difficulties also, and I presume you have help from your GP for these. Have you ever discussed your depression?

Yes I understand how it feels to be alone and feeling there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. There can be light I do assure you. I will not write a much at the moment as I am unsure where you are with having professional help.

Please reply and tell us more about yourself.

Mary

[renmon]

Hi Beryl,

You're not alone! I have felt everything you have described. And so have the others I know who also have mental health issues. It can seem like you're going about the world and everyone else seems okay, and it's easy to judge yourself or feel like you're not part of the world everyone else is in.  When life is getting really tough and dark for you it's time to reach out to a medical professional and let them help you.  The symptoms you experience won't stay all the time or maybe not at all once you have appropriate help and support in place. There can be many good days where you really feel the smile on your face and the joy from it inside of you. On those days it will seem remarkable that you weren't able to feel that before. 

Thank you for having courage to talk about how you're really feeling. I know from experience how hard that can be. Remember how you feel is never permanent even though it may feel like it. Keep in touch. Hugs to you.

[Beryl]

Hello White Rose.thankyou for writing back to me. Over the years i have seen several psychiatrists and psycologists. The latest one for multiple years. In comparison i think this one is good but just it just doesnt help, we go over points ad nauseum but afterwards i still feel the same about everything so i never progress. Im beginning to think there has to be another way, as if there is some reason im like this thats been overlooked and some fundamental point has been overlooked.

over the years i have taken many different medications for varying lengths of time and they just have not helped. The last ones i took the highest dose of for a long time and all i got was side effects and  the slightest dulling down feeling leaving me unable to deal with any thing. Sort of "im in a bad place but too apathetic to do anything about it"  in the end i didnt remember who "me" was. I had to stop taking them to get myself back and start afresh. It was hell for about three months, but i did it. But it hasnt helped much i cant seem to get a grip on myself and life is flowing through my fingers like sand, there will be nothing left, all gobbled up by depression. Its been over a year now and my psycologist says take your tablets and i think he doesn't know how useless they've been. Ther is a thick ball of cotton wool inside my head and i have to think through it permenently and it is sooooo tiring and getting harder and harder to get through.

i see gp's for my physical ailments when i absolutely have to as i find it a difficult, humiliating mountain to climb. I cant find a doctor that im comfortable with. The last one said about depression in an offhand side comment ' just keep yourself busy and buck up". HA DE HA HA! Ive lived in this quicksand for decades fighting hard for my life, they didnt even look up from the page when they said it.

i dont have a car and my arthritis makes it hard to get around. I get very confused on public transport but i still try to use it on good days.

i wonder, if all my troubles stem from the fact that i loathe myself to the point of i dont realy figure in my own world. Im existing in a kind of shell that encloses the space where a person should be.

[Beryl]

Hi renmon thankyou for answering my message.i do get proffessional help, the darkness doesnt lift. I have no joy with the sun on my face. I have no joy. I wish i could feel joy once again even for just one whole minute. Its a very old dim memory. Its a page of colour in an old picture book, gone with the multiple decades.

[renmon]

Hi Beryl,

It sounds like you've had a long hard road managing your illness.  I can only speak from my experience when I say you can find help that works for you and you can feel the joy from a smile but it might take a while to get there. I have treatment resistant depression and anxiety so I really understand the struggle of having to live with this illness and how it can erode your sense of self and belonging in the world.  I am a bit of a relentless individual though so even on my darkest days I have fought against my illness 'taking over'.  I really empathise with your situation and understand your desperation to get better.  I can't fix any of this for you but I can say please hang in there and keep asking for help, tell anyone you can in your life that you need help and don't stop until you're sitting with someone or talking to someone who you feel you might trust to support you.  It can be hard to get the support you need but you are worth it. There is something in you that thinks that because you have reached out to the members on here to connect to someone.  Just grab on to that nugget of hope that led you to posting a message and nurture it like it's the most precious thing in the world.  Hugs to you.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

It is hard when you feel you are worthless. I know because I have spent many years telling myself how useless I am. I am now finding that it's just not true. I have a great GP and psychologist who are doing huge amounts for and with me. So you can get to the light.

If you are unhappy with your GP have you thought about going elsewhere? If you look under Get Support at the top of the page, then click on Find A Professional you will find a list of GPs with experience in managing mental health issues.This list is searchable by postcode. You may find a GP that you are more comfortable with.

Has your psych tried any therapy programs with you? Things like CBT, ACT or any others? I went to a psychiatrist who used CBT but he made it so complicated I had no idea what I was doing. However, my current psych simplified the program so that I understood it and suddenly it all made sense. And more to the point, once I knew what to do it started to work.

Try looking up neuroplasticity on the web. This relatively new science is all about how we can change and train our brains. Instead of the belief that our think and capacity to change is set from about the age of 20, it is now recognised that we are constantly changing and we can set our own course. Ask your psych about this.

It is hard to start with but once you get the idea it really is a life saver. I am realizing I do not have to accept that the way I used to do anything was the only way. I can alter my thoughts and walk down a different path.

Imagine your front garden is covered with weeds and grass which have grown very tall. You have walked to the road from the front door in the same line that you have worn a pathway to the road. But this road has grown boggy and slippery and you keep falling over. So now is the time to tread down a new pathway that is fresh, pleasant to walk along and where you do not fall over.

This is what you need to do with your mind. Think about it and chat with your psych. I hope it gives you a fresh perspective to consider.

Mary

[Beryl]

Hi white rose, thankyou for replying to my message. You have given me heaps of stuff to follow up, tthankyou so much. I have never been aware of doing any programmes with any of the psychs ive seen. I hate the way they sit and look sage and expect you to answer your own questions. If i knew what was going on and why i could fix it myself without going to see them. Nothing is ever explained to me. Its always been like that what am i doing wrong?    Its like unravelling a basket of knotted knitting its all dead ends and not knowing where to start.

thankyou for your clear and direct suggestions, i hope i can get the courage to do something about it.

i went to the city today mingling with all the people. It was so odd. I didnt feel part of it at all. I was an invisible observer in slow motion while the world flowed around me like i wasnt there. The city was noisy but it was quiet inside my bubble. I wandered around with no destination because i hardly know where anything is in town,i dont know it very well as i have a rotten sense of direction and i forget where ive been anyway. The pavement floats up and down under my feet and i constantly have to gauge the distance to the ground and walls and doorways. Steps,people and everything to remain upright and moving along without crashing into things and losing my balance. Everything looks more than real, years ago i used to get whopping anxiety attacks over all this but now i just know im feeling wierd and it will get better once im at home.    Do any of you lovely people (and i mean that. You are fast becoming my new family) ever feel this stuff? Then theres supermarkets! Those places make me feel so seasick.  I just hate going in them i feel like my heads lifting off and my balance goes squiffy. Maybe i still have the anxiety, but it just doesnt bother me, im so used to it, but dont you hate that gripping in the back of your neck like its in a vice?

anyway thats how its been for decades and i plod along in my half life. Im so used to it , it is now my normal but when i notice it i feel SO RIPPED OFF. life? I want another go.

mostly its the depression that eats away any quality of life i can scratch out. That exhausted. Walking underwater feeling, sometimes its so oppressive i can hardly move. I toddle round the house like a ninety year old, spilling a few tears every 40 minutes or so for whatever reason. The days and years burn off the calendar and nothing changes. Love to you all, my family. Beryl.

[White_Rose]

Dear Beryl

I realised that not all psychiatrists and psychologists are equal. I once went to a psychiatrist for a number of years and all he did was try to get me to talk. He did try the CBT stuff as I described above. My GP was scathing about this. She said it was a good income for psychiatrists who expected clients to somehow find their own solutions to their problems. Instead the psychiatrist or psychologist should be actively helping their clients to heal.

The psychs should work out what is troubling their clients and how to help them. The programs I mentioned are just a few available. But the psych does not need to use a formal program to help someone, just work out how to clarify the difficulty and help the client to recover. I have progressed so much with the psychologist in just 18 months than I ever did in the years with the psychiatrist.

Try a new GP who may be able to provide all the help you need. My GP is certainly an amazing woman with so much expertise. I am lucky to have her as my GP.

You were talking about the floating feeling and the unevenness of the ground. While I appreciate this may be due to panic attacks, do you think you need to wear spectacles? I was once told I need spectacles and when I wore them the ground undulated in front of me. So I stopped wearing them. But this may be the reverse for you. Perhaps a referral to an eye specialist, not an optometrist.  They make spectacles but I believe they are not as skilled as specialists in diagnosis.

I am proud of you getting yourself to the city. Being in crowded public places can be so difficult when you are anxious. Can I suggest you read the literature available on BB. Click on the The Facts and Resources at the top of the page and browse through the options there. The information may help you to understand your illness. I believe in being as informed as possible. BB will send you any info you want.

Living in the dark may seem unfair but what I believe is the most unfair part is not getting the help you need. Yes, you need to engage in your own recovery as much as possible, but you also need and deserve help from those whose job it is. I would feel ripped off also.

I went through this a little when I first became depressed as I thought there was a magic pill which would cure me. When I found out I was wrong I was devastated, but then I learned I had to work and realised it was a two-way process and started on my journey to recovery.

So please do not be afraid to ask and keep asking.

Mary

[Beryl]

Thankyou again white rose for reading my ramblings and replying. I will try to follow your suggestions. I did go to an eye specialist recently' they checked me and they checked my glasses. One of my pupils doesnt work properly so then i was sent for an mri  scan which  i dont know the results of because its all done between computors these days. I was told whatevers wrong was someone elses specialty and that i should go to a neurologist. I never did, i'd had enough by then. Hundreds of dollars, no answers. Just another dead end. I cant afford the luxury of visiting these people. Hugs.  Beryl.