Feeling lonely and isolated despite being surrounded by people

[brookey]

Hey everyone, 

First of all thanks for taking the time to read my post. I'm a 25 year old uni student and I am currently really struggling a lot with recurrent depression. At the moment I'm finding it very hard trying to cope with the feelings of loneliness and isolation I am experiencing. This is really frustrating as I am quite a social person who has lots of close friends, but at the moment I feel very isolated and alone. I think a large part of this stems from the fact that nearly every friend of mine is currently in a long-term relationship, and many are beginning to get engaged/married/buying a house together etc. 

I really struggle with a long-held belief that I will be alone forever, and that nobody could ever really love me for who I am. My psychologist and I agree that one way to challenge this would be to meet new people and develop experiences that are alternative to these thoughts/beliefs. However, I am struggling to think of ways to meet new people (last relationship was from online dating, but didn't work out; haven't really ever met someone through friends). Has anyone been in a similar experience? And does any one have any advice for strategies with coping with feelings of being unlovable, and also ways to meet new people to challenge these thoughts? 

 Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as this is something that I am really struggling with! 

 Cheers, 

 Brooke xx 

[Annabelle1234]

Hi Brooke,

My name is Annabella. I am 24 and I look like a very social, popular and confident girl on the outside. However this year I have had many shifts in my life and I have ended up very lonely and very depressed for what feels like forever. No one thinks of me as a depressed lonely person with no more than one or two friends to call for if I ever need some help. I have been speaking with my psychologist on how to expose myself to new cool people and what we've come up with is joining clubs, sports groups etc. but it's much easier said than done. Everyone seems to be in close friendships already and I don't see anyone wanting me to randomly join. This makes me really sad and I don't know what else to do. However I hope we get lots of suggestions on here. I'm really new to this by I hope some great suggestions can be posted. If your from Melbourne and want to join a club or sport id be happy to do it with you. 

[brookey]

Hey Annabella, 

It is relieving to hear from someone else in a very similar situation to me. I too feel like I come across as a very social, popular person to the outside world, but like you feel very lonely and hopeless on the inside. I think it can be a really tough situation to face! 

I agree that it is difficult thinking of ways to meet people. I am already quite social (play sports, hang out with other people on multiple nights of the week - even when I am feeling crappy XD haha), however, it seems as though every person I meet is already quite settled in their lives, and are not looking to widen their social group. You sound like a lovely person though, so I think there is definitely a chance that somebody would really love to hang out with you if you did go to one of these groups! 

I am hoping that we can hear back from others and get some good ideas to help us feel a little less hopeless about the situation - maybe people will think of things that we might not even have thought of yet! Unfortunately I'm not from Melbourne (Sydney kid!) but thanks for offering to join me. Maybe in this thread we can hear from other people who are also in a similar situation 🙂 

Brooke x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Brooke (and Annabelle)

Brooke, it’s great that you’ve come here and posted and welcome to Beyond Blue.

May I say that friends, people are over-rated.  Ok, I’ll remove the tongue from in my cheek – but I find that having one or two friends can be as beneficial as having a whole host of them.  Especially for me with my mental health issues – I find it hard to be in contact with others;  I prefer being on my own;   though I do have my partner and two awesome children – so I guess I’m being hypocritical now, and I’m definitely not meaning to be.

Just from reading your post it sounds like you are a very up-five and caring and happy person – but it’s the depression that has the over-riding say on our emotions.  You know what though, one thing you wrote hit the nail on the head;   where you said you feel lonely and isolated and yet you are quite social and have a lot of close friends.  I can understand that so much – where you feel the isolation, despite having the possibility of others who you could talk to – but we just don’t want to, or we simply can’t.

I’ve found over the years that being active in the community can be a big help with meeting “others”.  And you’ve mentioned it (or Annabelle did) with regard to sports organisations;  any of those kinds of clubs, gyms, cycling or swim groups, running groups – all these things where there are like-minded people doing the same activity that they enjoy.  From that, you just never know who you may meet up with;  and it could very well be just a fleeting ‘chance’ meeting – and yet, sometimes, that’s all you need as well.

I think I’m rambling a bit now, so will sign off, but would love to hear back from you – and hope I didn’t make things too confusing.

Cheers

Neil

[Stormi71]

Hi Brooke,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. 

You are still young, you have plenty of time to find a soul mate. I understand how you feel unloveable, I have just had my 24th wedding anniversary and I wonder every day how my husband still wants to be with me. But he does. It's hard work sometimes, but I think we are often too self critical. Our flaws seem to dance around in our faces, but to other people, they don't even notice them.

I think the main thing is not to look for love. Join some hobby groups etc. Don't join with the purpose of finding a boyfriend, join because it's an interest, and you want to meet likeminded people. Make a list of your interests and hobbies, and see what groups are out there. See what social groups the uni offers. Then go along with the plan to just have fun, and maybe meet some new people. Don't pressure yourself, just go along and see what happens. 

[brookey]

Hi Neil,

Thanks so much for posting in this thread. It really means a lot to be able to hear back from other people dealing with similar struggles, especially when I am struggling so much at the moment.

 I think I often feel quite embarrassed that the depression has come back again, and it has made it harder to talk about than when I first experienced it. I know it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I think some of the reactions from my family have made me feel really shit for having problems still. My personal favourite is "think positive" and "you could be happy if you really wanted it". XD ......  

I think I might try and take up your suggestion of joining some kind of community organisation. Hopefully doing that will help me feel like I'm a little less stuck in a rut.... I'm finding it really hard right now to feel hopeful about ever finding someone like all my friends have 😞 And it feels so embarrassing that I am now 25, and I've never had a long-term boyfriend. My first time was unfortunately not consensual and since then I have found it extremely difficult to start a physical relationship with somebody. I guess it is just difficult to see how somebody could ever like me and be okay with the fact that I want to take things slowly. Sorry for the rant by the way - just feeling so incredibly bleugh tonight 😛 

Thanks again for posting on the thread Neil, I really appreciate it and it is good to get some feedback from people who have also experienced depression! 

[brookey]

Hi Stormi71,

Thanks for replying to the thread - I really appreciate it. 

I know I'm still young, but I guess it's just hard for me to find hope when I have zero experience of even being in a relationship. I am going to try and be less self-critical though, as I know I can be harsh on myself sometimes.

 I also think that I will try and join a group maybe on meet up or something like that. I'm sure that things will be okay with meeting people because I am quite sociable and I seem to make friends very easily - so I'm not too worried about that aspect of things. I guess it's more just a worry about what the future might hold for me 😞 

[Setsail001]

Hey Brooke

Im sorry to hear you're struggling:( I'm also 24 and cope with recurrent depression.. It's such a pain!

I think, especially at this age, there's a shift. Friends are settling down, getting married, having kids, starting careers and this change is pretty big and a lot to take in. A lot of my friends are doing one or the other and I'm just kinda stuck in limbo! Being in a new relationship but also working on my career but also it all just makes me want to take a nap haha. I saw you mentioned meet up - it really worked for me! Mentioned this on another thread but there are so many groups and people attend to meet new people so a lot of them are very friendly and everyone is in the same boat! It's scary the first time but after that, gets so much easier 🙂 

[Neil_1]

Hi Brooke

That’s awesome to hear back from you and that you’ve received some other great posts as well.

Oh boy, those old comments from well meaning folk (and family);  “think positive”, “you could be happy if you really wanted it”;  “what have you got to be depressed about”;   or  “there’s a hell of a lot more people worse off than you”.    If they’re well meaning folk then we can try and distance ourselves from them;  if they’re family, that’s perhaps not so easy;   but just try and tell them how it is and that you do suffer and there are millions of people out there who suffer from this awful illness as well.

Hey and no need to ever apologise on here – if you wish to rant and unload then that is awesome – that’s a large part about what this site is all about;  where you feel free and fine to rant, unload and share whatever it is that is causing struggles, stress and tension;  grief, anxiety, depression, etc.

What I find interesting is hearing about others around your age who are linking up, marrying, settling down, etc etc;  as I’m double your age, I find it amazing that this is happening, at what I would call, still a young age.  Though being 50, I still feel I can relate to the mid 20yo’s, cause that’s pretty much how old I feel in my mind and even sometimes, in my body.  🙂   So mid 20’s, is still being out there and enjoying things;  there’s heaps of time to find a partner and settle down as the years go by;  heaps of time.

But I really do like your attitude and outlook – you’ve got a lot of positivity shining through, so the key is to try and not worry too much about how things are right now.  I have strong confidence in you and your outlook.

Would love to hear back from you again as well.

Neil

[brookey]

Thanks so much Neil and Setsail for replying to me. I really appreciate it - reading your posts today have done me a world of good, and have made me feel a little more hopeful about the future! Today has been crazy as just moving to a new apartment - I think that little extra stress of moving just tipped me over the edge a little bit XD 

Based on your feedback I am starting to think that maybe my group of friends is a little unusual given how many people are settling down and that I'm the only one still unattached XD..... So maybe I shouldn't worry too much about what my friends are doing, and remember that things happen at different speeds for everybody. I am really lucky that I have gotten the time in my twenties to live overseas and study something I love, so when I really think about it I'm glad that I've gotten that life experience, even if it does mean that I will settle down a little later than others. 

And also, I just wanted to say thanks to all you guys for being so understanding. It is really nice to have a place where we can talk openly about the experiences and difficulties with mental health. I think it really helps making the world a little less overwhelming knowing that I can always come on here and have a bit of a rant! XD .....  

What were some of the things that you have found helpful in recovering from depression and maintaining periods of being "well"? I think my biggest challenge now is trying to manage recurrences of depression as when I was younger I had really clear, severe periods of depression, but longer periods of being well. Now, unfortunately, I'm just not really seeming to bounce back to my normal self like I used to be able to 😛 I'm hoping that with going back to the psychologist and possibly trying medication again things might pick up a little bit for me! 

Thanks again, 

Brooke