Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand?

Beryl · ‎02-06-2015

Its a good day today, so im saying hello to everyone out there for the first time ever.

i am beryl, i have deep depression, anxiety, ptsd and an eating disorder. I have lots of other physical things wrong too. Ive been depressed for many years and i think it is my normal. Over the years it deepens and recedes in slow cycles. I just cant sort it out. Sometimes i think my life is not so bad, then other times it seems unbearable. My head is a big bowl of water and i balance it so well people dont see the tears as i never spill them with other people. There are no other people, there never has been. But now, after all this time there is all of you out there. Yes, im smiling at you. Maybe, just a tiny maybe, im not completely alone? Its sad to think there is someone else in this half life. Could we help each other? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? More importantly i dont think my tunnel has an end. Im so tired of plodding down it. So tired and for what? More of the same. Most of the time im numb, there is no enjoyment at all. I wonder if that realy exists. How does happy feel? What is it? These days i hardly leave the house. I dont actually want to do anything- thats anything. My mind is so fuzzy i havnt been able to read a book for so many years now. Im like an actor playing the part of my own life. Does anyone realy understand? Or am i in this foggy bubble alone, so alone, for ever? Is there anyone out there?

Beryl · ‎02-09-2015

Hi white rose, sorry ive not been around for a while. Ive been so busy having zillions of medical appointments its left me too drained to chat. To cut a long ghastly story short the medical people thought my breast cancer had come back, tests, more tests, then they worked out that the wierd symptoms were caused by the thyroid gland. More tests. Now im off to hospital soon to have it removed. Apparently its sqashing the artery to my brain and also the one to my heart and its pressing my windpipe half shut. Still getting over burying dad and all this piled on top and of course at the same time im trying to adjust to new meds new psych and lots of extra appointments to get me into some therapy groups and also ive got my name down to go for some kind of magnetic brain stimulation. So as you can guess im treading water and trying to stay afloat in a sea of stress. Also ive had a sinus infection to deal with. I think im chugging through it all ok. The new meds give me that familiar dumbed down effect that i hate. Its early days, perhaps that will change, i hope. Its good to hear about your scrapbooking and sewing keep telling me about it. Big well done for losing weight, its my biggest bugbear i just cant focus and as i eat for all the wrong reasons its pretty hopeless at the moment. Right now im taking one day at a time and trying toget to the end of each day in one piece. Sorry to hear the lady at church passed away. She must have had an amazing life when you look back on all the changes that have happened in the world since she was a young girl. We can be happy in knowing that where she is now there is boundless joy. I went to melbourne paperific the other day. Big day out, i got the train and the tram and off i went out into the world! I got lots of lovely stuff to do cards, 3d tole, quilling, stamping, embossing,all kinds of inks and nice things to play with! Now i just need some time! Hacked back some bushes in the front yard today, cant believe its done at last. I hope your well white rose and finding beams of happiness coming through the clouds, lots of love from beryl .

White_Rose · ‎03-09-2015

Hello Beryl

Great to hear from you. I did not know you had breast cancer in the past. So pleased it has not returned. It sounds as though some of your problems may vanish when you have your thyroid gland removed. It can't be good squashing the artery to your brain, one to your heart and half shutting your windpipe. Do you feel a little better knowing at least some of the causes?

If the new ADs continue to make you feel woozy you may need to ask the doctor for a different AD. There are many out there and surely one will suit you.

Losing weight has been my bugbear for many years. I start off well and then lose motivation. This time I have made a good diet plan which I am able to stick to without feeling deprived. I think a lot of it is because I have the resentment I had previously about being limited in what I can eat. I do not want all the 'evil' food I used to eat and I find I am happy eating smaller portions. It's only taken me about 20 years to get here.

How is the new psych? It sounds as though you are finding her quite helpful. What sort of therapy groups are you getting into. I am not good in groups of this nature. Just had a quick look at TMS. It sounds a bit like ECT but not as severe. No anesthesia I note. I would love to hear how it goes if that's OK with you.

Sinus infections are most uncomfortable. It took me weeks to get rid of blocked sinuses above my eyes, resulting in appalling headaches.

I am impressed with your purchases. I did paper tole for a while and quite enjoyed it. Not sure I can remember how to do it. Scrapbooking going well. I am starting new pages regularly. I know there are all sorts of inks but I have no idea what to do with them. There used to be lots of scrapbooking supplies shops and courses but all the shops are closing down. So technology has moved on during the time I was doing other things.

Sewing still has not got off the ground. My home group is also going well. we have almost finished our current book and will be choosing the next shortly.

So pleased you have felt up to posting again.

Mary

Beryl · ‎26-09-2015

Hi white rose, sorry i havnt posted for ages, i havnt been up to it, but i want you to know i value your friendship and support very much. I often think about you as i churn my way through the chaos and confusion. Always know that your very special and that if you havnt heard from me for a bit it just means im bogged in the mud. So much has happened. I went to hospital a week and a half ago and had a throat operation, it went amazingly well. I am now recovering speedily. Ive joined a group for trauma survivors and each week i babble on about all sorts of stuff. I think talking about the backlog of horrors in the bag on my back is believed to be cathartic so im trying to work my way through as many items as i can stand while im there. Im still coming to terms with the fact that its a safe place to talk about it all without being judged. So far so good. Im going into another kind of hospital soon to have the magnetic therapy i mentioned before, and yes rose i will tell you about it as it unfolds. My dear son is giving a presentation at the uni shortly about obscure inscrutible maths stuff! I dont move in those realms but i am so proud of him, again i say he puts the sun in the sky for me every day. He is my Mr. Happy!

I am being encouraged to do art therapy at the same hospital as the other things. I would very much like to try if i can get there on the days. We will see.

i do hope you are going along ok white rose, and that the angel i asked to watch over you is still there, and making sure your safe and loved. As this new spring opens its petals into the warming sun i hope beams of happiness come down into your life and fill your heart.

big hugs, chat again soon, beryl xxxxx

White_Rose · ‎30-09-2015

Hello Beryl

Just a quick reply. Life has been very difficult for the past 5-6 weeks. I have been down in the pits so have not written much here at all. Relying on the other champs to keep up the good work.

You sound happy and getting on with life which is great. Glad you are recovering well from your surgery. I am very interested in your magnetic therapy and look forward to hearing about it.

I have planted lots of seedlings and now watching them start to bloom. Not up to writing much.

Mary

Beryl · ‎02-10-2015

Hi white rose, so sorry to hear that the roller coaster of life that depression keeps us riding has taken you to plummeting the depths. I know where your at right now, ive spent so much time there myself. Just remember im thinking of you and holding your hand in my mind to share the darkness and sadness, and help to find a way back up to light and laughter together. That much greater force than us is there to lean on and give us strength, so draw on it every day. Im glad your little plants are coming into flower, their pretty little faces may help to put a smile in your heart as they open one by one. I want to paint you a picture with words to share something beautiful that touched my heart a long time ago... It was the very threshold of daybreak on a frosted early spring morning. The newborn day was gently becoming light in its soft silence and breathtaking coolness. I unbolted the two little back doors and swung them open at arms length. I climbed two of the five steps and leant out on my elbows into the unfolding of this special day. I felt like i was the first person awake in the world. Listening in the grey stillness i could her the lovely plip, ploop of water moving trapped between the boat and the bank. Beyond the stern i could look out over the expanse of the canal, its flat water shining silver and gold as the first sun broke the chilly horizon. A water vole on its dawn rounds swam alongside and away making a perfect V shaped wash in the liquid silver. There was a rustling in the frosty reeds up the bank. I stood still and watched as an elegant heron balanced on its stilts formed in the weak light. Looking to the other bank i could see a winter wood. Black trunks, black branches and crowns of black twigs spangled with frost glittering with the gathering golden beams. Then suddenly the intense orb of the sun burst over the brim of the low hill flooding the dark woodland trunks with gold. As the light filled the wood and the day set in isaw that the whole forest floor stretching out as far as i could see in all directions was one vast, endless ocean of purest sapphire bluebells. The contrast of the gorgeous rich flawless blue against the burnt umber trees was nothing short of heavenly. I stayed watching the beauty all around me for a long timeless while, just taking it all in. Then feeling the cold i went back inside the boat to a glowing range and buttered toast. I hope this touches you too white rose, love from beryl xxx

Beryl · ‎03-10-2015

Hi white rose, its me again. How are you today? I understand what its like to be going through a tough time with depression. Depression is not enough of a word to describe it. I think people that have not experienced it can have absolutely no concept of what its like. The sheer depth to which it takes your very soul, the wallowing melancholy, the isolation, due to withdrawing from society, the apathy and exterminated motivation to do even the things you know you do love when your topside. For me the cruelest side of depression has been that it has gobbled up most of my 54 years. To have lived a grey flatline at best for all those years is an unfair hand to have been dealt so early in life. As i said before, im like an actor playing the part of my own life, its like im living it but not experiencing it. I dont feel it. The happy moments are empty and flat, everything else is all down hill from there. When im syphoning the deep sea floor, i tell myself that this feeling will pass and to just allow it to flow over me without beating myself on the back with a stick. Eventually i can look back and see how dark it was knowing i am then in a lighter place, even if by degrees. Like the moon, depression waxes and wanes, we wait it out till the phase is a more favourable one. All the while, on the outside we try to function convincingly, because we know that all those people out there have no true understanding of our pain. Inside i know that most people still hold a stigma about depression. Its sad to say but there are still old fashioned ways of thinking out there that say depression is something to just snap out of and other similar idiotic ideas. If only those people knew, if they got to experience our darkest lows even for a day thier hearts would burst with sympathy and disbelief. To truly know what we put up with, and how hard we work to stay afloat would open their eyes wide. I hope your holding your own white rose. Know that i think you are a strong wonderful person who writes here with your whole heart. The sky will lift, the sun will come out again and you will feel better. Hang in there, this time will pass, Love from beryl xxx

White_Rose · ‎04-10-2015

Dear Beryl

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. I am touched that you care and it makes me feel so much better.

I am gradually rising to the top, so to speak. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and there is lovely music on the radio. I am going to a new church today which is both sad and good. Yesterday I finished a scrapbook page of my eldest son playing guitar with a group in a Ballarat pub. I am pleased with the result. When I return I intend to start sewing a couple of dresses for my granddaughter. Small steps but that's all the energy I have at the moment.

Bless you.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎16-10-2015

Hello Beryl

It's been a while since we corresponded. How are you going? I do hope all the plans you were working on are taking hold and you are finding more joy in your life. How are you managing in the trauma survivors group? I'm trying to imagine how it would be but I have no idea. Have you joined the art therapy group? Does this mean you paint about what pleases you or are you supposed to paint about a subject that has been difficult or harmful in the past? I am very curious.

I'm getting on my feet again, or so I believe. I have needed to consult three different specialist recently and a fourth lined up for next week. Worst case scenario is four different lots of surgery. However I don't think this will happen and one will be a fairly minor surgery. Still hitting the hip pocket though. So more tests and decisions before anything happens.

I have continued working on my scrapbooking and also started making a dress for my granddaughter. I went to the cathedral last week to a service for Mental Health Week. The highlight of the service was a personal story. Totally eclipsed the main speaker. It's so good that these sorts of things are happening these days.

I attended a workshop for a group of people who are writing their experiences of being in a public mental health hospital. The workshop was about how to present the story. I had no idea this group existed and I was impressed with the people there. I have been invited to join them so I hope I have something to add. Certainly a new kind of occupation for me.

Look after yourself.

Mary

Beryl · ‎08-11-2015

Hi white rose, im back! Sorry its been ages since ive posted but ive been in the psych hospital for nearly a month and i didnt have mi ipad there. I did the full course of tms which is the magnetic therapy done on your brain. You stay in hospital for the whole thing. You sit in like a dentists chair and they put a special magnet on your head on a little arm attatched to a machine. You just sit there and watch tv while the magnet clicks on and off for about 40 minutes. It sounds a bit like a woodpecker and doesnt hurt. After that off you go till the next day and they do it again. They do 5 days then on day 6 they give your brain a day off. Once youve done 20 treatments you can go home. After number15 things slowly started to change and by number 20 i felt heaps better. This was my experience and apparently some people dont feel any improvement so it doesnt work for everybody, but for me its fffaaannntttaaassstttiiiccc!!!!!! Give it a try! Love you white rose and love to hear all the stuff your doing, ive got to go now but i promise to write soon, ask me any questions you like, keep soldiering on and know your guardian angel i sent is still watching over you and sending healing and protecting energy to keep you safe xxx beryl ( smiling again! )

eDE · ‎08-11-2015

Hi Beryl. Maybe posted a while ago, but I just signed up myself because I can find people like me to relate to doing so. Lonely and quiet is good to allow time to be silent and 'hear' our environment, an environment of self reflection, which tells us who we are. It is literally the playground of self-identity, and if you look deeper, it is you... in most ways I have come to understand so far.

I know what it's like to have depression slowly become your normal state of existence, it's a gradual acceptance of change that is less noticeable amongst all the other moments in life. Yet it's always the way, never more than you can handle... you notice that. There's a reason why, but that's another thing.

It's ok to cry in your own way. I've had years wanting to cry, yet unable to. And now It's the opposite. Crying is emotional connection, and recognition of the emotional disconnection still present. It's a part of a process of realization, becoming aware of more of who and what we are.

The perception of others is one that is yours alone to decide. It's possibly the most perfect part of reality I have seen yet myself.

And no, there is no end unless you see it, it's your tunnel, we all have our own. It's for you to create, no other has that right. 🙂

I understand being tired and thinking of happiness as a comparison to my perception of others. I was wrong.And I too have little interest in many things I perceive others to, and extreme interest in things that become interesting to others... it's because you're right! 😉 I agree, a lot of it is uninteresting to me aswell, yet if I change my mind, which I do A LOT, those possibilities are there for me to experience 🙂 get it? 😉

You are in GOOD companionship, never alone. That's my job 😉 Growing is easier with others to guide 😉